Hello,
I can't believe it is April already and Easter is this weekend...and my baby girl...my rainbow is 7 MONTHS OLD TODAY!!!
It seems like yesterday when the Dr's put that sweet girl in my arms. She is such a joy to Andrew and I and I am so thankful for every day that we are together.
We went to the Dr the other day for one of our millionth trips to diagnose yet another ear infection and found out she weighs 18lbs 3 oz! Which seems huge to me, but she really is just a healthy little chunky baby. I love her rolls and I weep for the day that she is long and lean and no longer my baby but a little girl. The past few days I have been putting away her baby clothes (0-6mos) and it makes me sad to see her grow so fast. It's good of course to see her growing and thriving...but I wish she could stay my baby forever...I've already decided I'm moving in with her when she goes to college so I hope she picks a school in a fun city. :-)
This weekend I made a bow holder for her. Another one actually, because her current one just can't take another bow! I think I did a pretty good job!
It's amazing that I actually had time to do this since I work full time and take care of my baby too. I'm just glad miss Abbey goes to bed by 7:30 otherwise I would never be able to make fun stuff like this!
Sorry to cut this short, but I have to go home and pack for our trip to St. Louis. We are visiting Andrew's family and are going on a plane...Abbey's first plane trip! I know she is so excited ;-).
Happy Easter Everyone!! He is RISEN!!
Love, ME.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
It was a busy day at the cemetery...Hello 2012.
Since this is the first weekend after the "holidays" (meaning Christmas and New Years) we went out to visit Aidan to retrieve all of his Christmas decor from his grave, and of course to visit. There were at least 4 cars lined up in front of Lullaby Land where Aidan is buried. It's the baby/child section. All these families were doing the same thing we were; taking the "Merry Christmas" signs or little Christmas trees out from their baby's graves and replacing it with silk flowers or other decor. To see all these families there is both sad and great. It's sad because I hate knowing that all these other people are suffering and hurting because of the death of their children, but its also great because it means that these people are keeping the memory of their kids alive...and I love seeing that.
When we pulled up we had Abbey with us. We take her out to visit her brother every weekend and read to him and visit. When I saw all the other parents there; some whose child died a year or more ago, some whose child had died in the last couple of months, I wasn't sure whether bringing Abbey out there would be a good thing, or a bad thing for them to see. On one hand I know how much it hurts to see a living baby when you've buried yours; especially those first few months. But on the other hand I remember hearing or knowing about someone having a rainbow baby and I would be so happy for those women. When I saw what I knew was a rainbow baby, as a mom who had lost her baby, I loved it; because it gave me hope that one day I could bring home a living baby too.
We waited until most of the families were done and were wrapping up and heading toward their cars before heading to Aidan's spot. We past the families and gave a little smile and a nod. I've seen families out there before, but we never speak to anyone. Mostly because I don't know what to say, but also because nothing needs to be said. We all "know" what the other is going through because one of us has been where the other is; or we will be.
I really hate that Aidan died. Yes, that is kind of a "Duh!" statement, but I really really hate it. I hate that my family will never feel complete. I hate that Abbey will never know her brother. I hate that I am missing seeing him grow up. I hate seeing other people who have a boy and a girl who are close together in age. It stings. I think to myself, "Why do those parents get to see their kids grow up together and I don't?" I am jealous.
I find myself looking up what Aidan would be doing now. "Your 17 month old is asserting himself in numerous ways: He may be able to take off his own socks or diaper (undressing fully will come later, and putting clothes on a bit after that) and brush his own teeth (though "brushing" at this age means sticking the toothbrush in his mouth and chewing on it, so he continues to need your help). Could toilet training be on the horizon?" Or I'll find myself looking at pictures of some of my friends' kids on facebook and looking for pictures of their kids at the age Aidan would be now. Aidan should be 18 months old the end of this month. He should be 2 years old in July. I can't believe all that I am missing and the more time passes, the more I realize I am missing out on...and I hate it.
Okay, sorry for being so blah! I don't mean to be such a downer...I've just been having some sad days...and the holidays were bitter sweet.
Abbey is doing so well. We just had our 4 month Dr. appointment on Friday. I can't believe she is already 4 months old. She is 14lbs 5oz and is measuring 25 inches long. 52 percentile for weight. 72 percentile for height and 84 percentile for head circumference. I really thought that she would be in a higher percentile for weight because to me she looks chunkier, but I guess she is right in the middle which is ideal. She eats a ton (4-5oz every 2.5-3hrs) and has started to (mostly) sleep through the night. She is a smiley happy baby and is growing and developing more and more everyday. She can roll over and has started to love her feet. And everything is new and exciting....and apparently needs to go in her mouth. She laughs occasionally, which I love. And she goos and gahhs and gurgles and laas and coos. I feel like she is going to just look at me one day and say "Momma, um ba ba". Ba ba is probably her favorite thing (bottle) so I have no doubt that "Ba" will probably be her first word.
This past week was our dog Willie's 5th Birthday. Actually Abbey (aka "Toots") and Willie shared their 4 month and 5 year Birthdays on Thursday. We got some great pictures of them together while Willie was eating his birthday burger (which we get him every year).
This past week was also the first 1st week in January in 2 years where I didn't find out I was pregnant. Which is both great and a little sad. I don't exactly know why it's a little sad. I mean geez I've been pregnant for 2 years in a row, my body needs a rest. I think it has something to do with Aidan.
Speaking of 2 babies in 2 years, I TOTALLY need to lose weight...again. This time though since I am breastfeeding I can't do anything crazy and have to do it the old fashioned way...by eating right and working out. Yeah, yuck is what I think too! I would much rather starve myself and get quick results...but you can't do that and breastfeed. So, I'm just going to do my best and hope for some kind of horrible stomach bug so I can jump start my diet with some quick weight loss. LOL.
2011 was so great and healing for us. Abbey has brought so much joy to our lives and allowed us to grow in our faith; in God and each other. I truly feel blessed for all that 2011 has brought. I hope that 2012 is good to us....but no matter what I know it will be an adventure.
Love, Me.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Busy Dizzy Days!
It is official, our sweet Abigail Lyn McCaffrey is here! She was born almost 3 months ago on Labor Day September 5th and has had us running around ever since!
We had an induction scheduled for September 8th, but I started having contractions at around 8:30 a.m. on Labor Day. I kept thinking and hoping actually that it was false labor as I had planned on taking a few days off before the induction to relax...but miss Abbey had other plans. After laboring for several hours her big ole head just was not going to be able come come out the old fashioned way and her heartbeat started to drop. Finally we rushed in for an emergency C-section and out she came screaming at the top of her lungs and beautifully pink and chubby. She was born at 4:15pm, 8lbs 5oz and 18.5 inches long....and she was perfect!
Since then we have been struggling with breastfeeding (now I pump exclusively), learning to lift our head up, starting to coo, smile, grab at things, loves looking in the mirror and is the biggest flirt....especially when it comes to Daddy.
I am so in love with this little girl I can't tell you. She makes getting up in the morning easier, her cries don't bother me, who cares about dirty diapers or thousands of bottles to clean...I love everything about her and am so blessed to have her in my life.
I'm starting back to work on Monday (December 5th)...and I am dreading it. Mostly because she will start daycare and a complete stranger will be taking my place. Someone else will be getting those smiles, those coos. Someone else will be holding her when she cries. Someone else will get the first steps, the first words...and I hate that. I love my job, I do, but I love her more. I wish there was a way to do both, but there isn't. I know this is the plight of every working mother, and I'm certainly not the first to have these feelings, but none the less. It hurts.
The lady who will be watching her is very capable and I know will take good care of her...it just stinks that it won't be me.
We just got back from visiting Andrew's parents/family up in St. Louis for Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful time and was so glad that Abbey got to meet everyone....but even in the midst of all the happiness over Abbey...in the pit of my stomach was the gnawing that something wasn't right...something was missing....and it was Aidan. I guess that will never go away...especially around the holidays. I kept thinking that she and her brother should be playing together, that Aidan should be playing with his cousin Shields as they would have been only 3 months apart. I hate that he is gone.
We have adopted a little boy from the Salvation Army Angel Tree. His name is David. He is 1 year old. We adopted this boy in honor of Aidan, as Aidan would have been 1 year this Christmas and we are planning to adopt a child the age Aidan would have been in the Christmases to come. I want this little boy to get the Christmas that he deserves...a Christmas as good as I would have made for Aidan.
I can't believe that it will be December in a few days. Time certainly moves quickly. We have planned Abbey's baptism for this Sunday and the whole family (including several members from my husband's family in St. Louis) will be there to celebrate. Abbey will be wearing the McCaffrey family christening gown which dates back to the Civil War. She will wear this to the baptism and immediately after at the reception at my parents house Abbey will be wearing a christening gown identical to the one Aidan was buried in. My mom had a beautiful christening gown made for Aidan in Ireland, ivory silk trimmed in blue. When she found out we were having Abbey she contacted the company from which she had ordered Aidan's gown in order to request one for Abbey, but the company had gone out of business. Well, she contacted the dress maker directly and spoke to her, telling her about Aidan, all we had been through and about Abbey. She agreed to make one more gown....one for Abbey. It looks just like her brothers, but instead of being trimmed in blue, it is trimmed in pink. I am so excited for my sweet girl and her big day.
I can't believe that I have been home for 3 months, that my baby girl is already (or will be in less than a week) 3 months old. I don't want her to get big. I want her to stay a baby forever. :-(
Well Ms Abbey has decided to get up from her nap and is requesting a ba ba (bottle)...Oh how I love this girl!
We had an induction scheduled for September 8th, but I started having contractions at around 8:30 a.m. on Labor Day. I kept thinking and hoping actually that it was false labor as I had planned on taking a few days off before the induction to relax...but miss Abbey had other plans. After laboring for several hours her big ole head just was not going to be able come come out the old fashioned way and her heartbeat started to drop. Finally we rushed in for an emergency C-section and out she came screaming at the top of her lungs and beautifully pink and chubby. She was born at 4:15pm, 8lbs 5oz and 18.5 inches long....and she was perfect!
Since then we have been struggling with breastfeeding (now I pump exclusively), learning to lift our head up, starting to coo, smile, grab at things, loves looking in the mirror and is the biggest flirt....especially when it comes to Daddy.
I am so in love with this little girl I can't tell you. She makes getting up in the morning easier, her cries don't bother me, who cares about dirty diapers or thousands of bottles to clean...I love everything about her and am so blessed to have her in my life.
I'm starting back to work on Monday (December 5th)...and I am dreading it. Mostly because she will start daycare and a complete stranger will be taking my place. Someone else will be getting those smiles, those coos. Someone else will be holding her when she cries. Someone else will get the first steps, the first words...and I hate that. I love my job, I do, but I love her more. I wish there was a way to do both, but there isn't. I know this is the plight of every working mother, and I'm certainly not the first to have these feelings, but none the less. It hurts.
The lady who will be watching her is very capable and I know will take good care of her...it just stinks that it won't be me.
We just got back from visiting Andrew's parents/family up in St. Louis for Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful time and was so glad that Abbey got to meet everyone....but even in the midst of all the happiness over Abbey...in the pit of my stomach was the gnawing that something wasn't right...something was missing....and it was Aidan. I guess that will never go away...especially around the holidays. I kept thinking that she and her brother should be playing together, that Aidan should be playing with his cousin Shields as they would have been only 3 months apart. I hate that he is gone.
We have adopted a little boy from the Salvation Army Angel Tree. His name is David. He is 1 year old. We adopted this boy in honor of Aidan, as Aidan would have been 1 year this Christmas and we are planning to adopt a child the age Aidan would have been in the Christmases to come. I want this little boy to get the Christmas that he deserves...a Christmas as good as I would have made for Aidan.
I can't believe that it will be December in a few days. Time certainly moves quickly. We have planned Abbey's baptism for this Sunday and the whole family (including several members from my husband's family in St. Louis) will be there to celebrate. Abbey will be wearing the McCaffrey family christening gown which dates back to the Civil War. She will wear this to the baptism and immediately after at the reception at my parents house Abbey will be wearing a christening gown identical to the one Aidan was buried in. My mom had a beautiful christening gown made for Aidan in Ireland, ivory silk trimmed in blue. When she found out we were having Abbey she contacted the company from which she had ordered Aidan's gown in order to request one for Abbey, but the company had gone out of business. Well, she contacted the dress maker directly and spoke to her, telling her about Aidan, all we had been through and about Abbey. She agreed to make one more gown....one for Abbey. It looks just like her brothers, but instead of being trimmed in blue, it is trimmed in pink. I am so excited for my sweet girl and her big day.
I can't believe that I have been home for 3 months, that my baby girl is already (or will be in less than a week) 3 months old. I don't want her to get big. I want her to stay a baby forever. :-(
Well Ms Abbey has decided to get up from her nap and is requesting a ba ba (bottle)...Oh how I love this girl!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
What is a Rainbow?
And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.” Genesis 12-15.
If you have lost a child, you already know what a "Rainbow" is.... it is the name for the child that is born after the child you lost. Your "Rainbow Baby" is a symbol that God has healed your heart enough to open it up to love again, that God has been true to the covenant... that He has not let 'the flood' destroy you.
Many of my family and friends have known for a while now...but for some reason I just haven't posted it here yet.... but here is my Rainbow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSbRQFO7SIw&feature=player_embedded
This is our Rainbow... Abigail Lyn McCaffrey!! She is due September 10th, 2011... 9/10/11!!
We have been through every test and ultrasound imaginable and she so far is perfect!! We are so incredibly blessed to have her join our family, and know that her big brother Aidan is looking over her everyday.
God is good.
Love,
Me.
If you have lost a child, you already know what a "Rainbow" is.... it is the name for the child that is born after the child you lost. Your "Rainbow Baby" is a symbol that God has healed your heart enough to open it up to love again, that God has been true to the covenant... that He has not let 'the flood' destroy you.
Many of my family and friends have known for a while now...but for some reason I just haven't posted it here yet.... but here is my Rainbow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSbRQFO7SIw&feature=player_embedded
This is our Rainbow... Abigail Lyn McCaffrey!! She is due September 10th, 2011... 9/10/11!!
We have been through every test and ultrasound imaginable and she so far is perfect!! We are so incredibly blessed to have her join our family, and know that her big brother Aidan is looking over her everyday.
God is good.
Love,
Me.
July 27th, 2011 - One Year
On July 27th 2010 my sweet angel Aidan came into this world. He was perfect and beautiful and was immediately born into the arms of Jesus. I have never loved anything as much as I love him.
I held him for 7 wonderful hours and studied his every feature. I can still remember how his skin smelled his weight in my arms, the softness of his skin and hair and his little chubby cheeks and appendages. He looked so much like his daddy with a little of me and my family sprinkled in.
I can't believe that it has been now over 1 year since he was born. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and others it seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it is almost unreal all that Andrew and I have been through; sometimes I wake up in the morning and still can't believe I buried my son. And still, over a year later, I still cry everyday for him. I still miss him so much it physically hurts. I still would give my life for his if given the choice. I still have a chunk of my heart missing.
This year I took the day off of work. I had fully intended on writing in Aidan's journal, looking at pictures and ultrasound video and crying and laying in bed all day....but I didn't. My family and I started "Kindness Day in Memory of Aidan Jackson McCaffrey - July 27, 2010". We asked all of our friends and family to do one kind thing in memory of Aidan. It didn't have to be huge, or cost a dime, all we asked is that people do one nice thing to honor my son. I was so touched by how many people participated. People gave blood, donated money to charitable organizations, bought co-worker's lunch, donated canned goods to local shelters, picked up trash, helped another with their luggage at the airport, paid someone elses toll and countless other things. It was so wonderful.
I myself took 6 dozen cookies up to the Labor and Delivery Floor of the hospital where Aidan was born. My mother and I dropped off the cookies at the nurses station and explained to them all about Aidan, about how he was born here last year, about how he went to be with Jesus and about how wonderful all the nurses were to us. We wanted them to know that although they might not get the thank you they deserve everyday, they are valued and can touch people's lives and hearts, even when they don't know it. When we started to talk about Aidan I couldn't help but start to cry. I could see the room where he was delivered out of the corner of my eye, and so many memories came flooding back. I remember being wheeled in while having contractions. I remember seeing a flower on the back of a neighboring door knowing that soon I would have a flower on my door too. (flowers on a hospital door in the L&D ward mean there has been a death). I remember how cold that room was, about how quiet and peaceful it was when Aidan was born. I remembered how reverent everyone was in that room, how precious and sacred it was. How even though Andrew and I had tears streaming down our face we were smiling while holding our son. We were so happy to meet him and couldn't believe we had created something so beautiful and amazing.
I was so glad that I went to thank the nurses. I have thought about them often, especially Jodie who was my day nurse and was there when Aidan was born. She was an angel and I truly believe that God chose her to be with me on that day; I couldn't have asked for a better or kinder nurse.
So even now, 1 year later I miss my son terribly. But even now, 1 year later, Aidan is still changing the world, touching the hearts and minds to be better, to be kinder. The light of his life has yet to be extinguished, because it lives on through the goodness and actions of others done in Aidan's name.
One of the themes of Kindess Day was "Be the Change you Want to See in the World!!" Aidan made me a better person, a better wife, a better daughter, and better mother and I'm not going to let him down. I promised him that I would make him proud to be mine, that I wouldn't fail him... and I'm going to keep my promise.
Love, Me.
I held him for 7 wonderful hours and studied his every feature. I can still remember how his skin smelled his weight in my arms, the softness of his skin and hair and his little chubby cheeks and appendages. He looked so much like his daddy with a little of me and my family sprinkled in.
I can't believe that it has been now over 1 year since he was born. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and others it seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it is almost unreal all that Andrew and I have been through; sometimes I wake up in the morning and still can't believe I buried my son. And still, over a year later, I still cry everyday for him. I still miss him so much it physically hurts. I still would give my life for his if given the choice. I still have a chunk of my heart missing.
This year I took the day off of work. I had fully intended on writing in Aidan's journal, looking at pictures and ultrasound video and crying and laying in bed all day....but I didn't. My family and I started "Kindness Day in Memory of Aidan Jackson McCaffrey - July 27, 2010". We asked all of our friends and family to do one kind thing in memory of Aidan. It didn't have to be huge, or cost a dime, all we asked is that people do one nice thing to honor my son. I was so touched by how many people participated. People gave blood, donated money to charitable organizations, bought co-worker's lunch, donated canned goods to local shelters, picked up trash, helped another with their luggage at the airport, paid someone elses toll and countless other things. It was so wonderful.
I myself took 6 dozen cookies up to the Labor and Delivery Floor of the hospital where Aidan was born. My mother and I dropped off the cookies at the nurses station and explained to them all about Aidan, about how he was born here last year, about how he went to be with Jesus and about how wonderful all the nurses were to us. We wanted them to know that although they might not get the thank you they deserve everyday, they are valued and can touch people's lives and hearts, even when they don't know it. When we started to talk about Aidan I couldn't help but start to cry. I could see the room where he was delivered out of the corner of my eye, and so many memories came flooding back. I remember being wheeled in while having contractions. I remember seeing a flower on the back of a neighboring door knowing that soon I would have a flower on my door too. (flowers on a hospital door in the L&D ward mean there has been a death). I remember how cold that room was, about how quiet and peaceful it was when Aidan was born. I remembered how reverent everyone was in that room, how precious and sacred it was. How even though Andrew and I had tears streaming down our face we were smiling while holding our son. We were so happy to meet him and couldn't believe we had created something so beautiful and amazing.
I was so glad that I went to thank the nurses. I have thought about them often, especially Jodie who was my day nurse and was there when Aidan was born. She was an angel and I truly believe that God chose her to be with me on that day; I couldn't have asked for a better or kinder nurse.
So even now, 1 year later I miss my son terribly. But even now, 1 year later, Aidan is still changing the world, touching the hearts and minds to be better, to be kinder. The light of his life has yet to be extinguished, because it lives on through the goodness and actions of others done in Aidan's name.
One of the themes of Kindess Day was "Be the Change you Want to See in the World!!" Aidan made me a better person, a better wife, a better daughter, and better mother and I'm not going to let him down. I promised him that I would make him proud to be mine, that I wouldn't fail him... and I'm going to keep my promise.
Love, Me.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Hope
Once upon a time there was a little woman who walked along the dusty field path. She was quite old yet her steps were light and springy and her smile had the fresh glow of a carefree girl. She stopped at a cowered figure and looked down. She couldn't recognize much. The being that sat in the dirt on the path seemed to be almost bodiless. The woman reminded her of a grey flannel blanket with human shape.
The little woman bent a little forward and asked: "Who are you?" Two almost lifeless tired eyes looked up towards her. "Me? I am the Sadness." whispered the voice haltingly and softly, almost too soft to hear.
"Oh, the Sadness!" said the woman, as pleased as if she had seen an old friend.
"You know me?" asked the Sadness mistrusting.
"Of course I know you! You accompanied me every once in a while over and over again on parts of my path."
"Yes, but..." said the Sadness suspiciously, "why don't you run away from me? Aren't you afraid?"
"Why should I run from you, my dear? You know very well yourself that you attach yourself to everybody who tries to get away from you. But, what I wanted to ask you: 'Why do you look so discouraged?'"
"I am...sad," replied the grey figure with a broken voice.
The little woman sat down at her side. "So, you are sad," she said and nodded with understanding. "Tell me what bothers you."
The Sadness sighed deeply. Was there really someone who would listen to her this time? How often did she wish for that to happen.
"You know," she started hesitantly and very astonished, "it's just that nobody actually likes me. It is my destiny to visit humans for a while but when I show up they are scared of me. They are afraid of me and try to avoid me like the plague." The Sadness swallowed some tears. "They invented phrases that they try to ban me with. They say things like: 'Nonsense, I can't be sad. Life is always bright and fun.' And their fake smiles give them stomach cramps and they have a hard time breathing. They say: 'I just need to get over it,' and then they end up with heartache. They say, 'One just has to put it all together and suck it up!' and then they feel all kinds of aches and pains in their shoulders and backs. They say: 'Only weak people cry!' and the banked up tears almost make their heads burst. Or they try to numb themselves with alcohol or drugs so that they don't have to feel me."
"Oh yes," confirmed the old woman, "I've met people like that before."
The Sadness turned even sadder..."But all I want is to help humans. When I am very close to them they can face themselves. I help them build a nest to cuddle up in to take care of their wounds. Somebody who is sad has very thin skin. Old sorrows surface again like a bad healed wound and that can hurt a lot. But who is able to face their grief and sorrow and cries? All the uncried tears can truly make their wounds heal. People don't want me to help them though. Instead they put on a flashy smile on top of their scars. Or they put on a heavy shield of bitterness."
The Sadness was silent now. Her crying at first was weak, then it became stronger and finally it was very desperate.
The little old woman hugged her, caressed the shaky bundle and thought to herself how soft and gentle Sadness felt. "Cry, Sadness, let your tears flow," she whispered full of love, "Rest so that you can gather your strength back. From now on you shall not wander all by yourself. I will join you so that discouragement and despair can't take over anymore."
The Sadness quit crying. She looked her new companion straight in the eyes. "But...but who are you?"
"Me?" said the old lady with a smile on her face. And then she laughed again like a carefree young girl, "I am HOPE."
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
April Showers...and Weddings and Easter and Birthdays!!
Our April is jam packed with stuff to do. The first and last weekend we have weddings. The second (this past weekend) was my Dad's birthday. This weekend is the March for Babies for the March of Dimes and next weekend is Easter. It's nice to be busy, but sometimes I just want to lay around and do nothing, you know!?
A couple of weeks ago be bought a new car.... for me!! It's a 2011 Infiniti Q56, black with black interior and its freaking huge!! It seats 7 comfortably. I used to drive a small car and this is sooo different for me. I can drive it, but I have to admit that I have popped a few curbs. :-) I love it though and we are going to keep it forever... and hopefully fill it with kids. :-)
This weekend is the March for Babies. Andrew and I are very excited. My parents and brother and sister in law are walking with us. I bought T-shirts for all of us for "TEAM AIDAN" and so I hope to post pictures after the event. To date we have raised over $2,000 for our team!! I am so amazed and excited. Next year my goal will be $5,000 and I'm going to start fundraising much sooner. I am just so happy that we could do something wonderful like this in Aidan's memory because he has given Andrew and I so much.
I've been thinking a lot about Aidan lately...of course I always think about him, but recently it has been more and more not about his death but about his life and what he would be doing now. I wonder to myself how big he would be. Would he we walking? What would have been his first word? How many teeth would he have? When I see a baby boy now that would be his age I can't help but stare. I'm sure that the moms probably think I some crazy lady or something. I just can't help it. I can't help but think how different my life would be if he had lived. And I still cry for him daily. If God would come down now and say I can bring him back but you'll have to go with me, I would do it in a heart beat. If God said I can bring him back but you have to cut your own arm off, I would... without question. When your child is gone you never lose that love for them.... never.
I'm looking forward to this weekend but I know it will be a very emotional day. I just have to prepare myself mentally and I'll be fine.
We have decorated Aidan's grave for Easter. It looks great. When we are out there this weekend I need to take pictures and post them here. There are eggs, spring flowers, a bunny that says "Easter" and another bunny head that is stuck in the ground. We still go visit him every weekend and read him and all the other babies out near him a story. Sometimes I just want to lay there next to him for hours. I wish I could do that without looking like a complete lunatic. Honestly, I just like being there with him. I know that he isn't there, but it's sort of like my touchstone for him. Like church is your touchstone for God. God isn't only in church, He is everywhere but for whatever reason you feel closer to Him when you are there. That is how it is for me and Aidan. I can feel Aidan everywhere because I still carry him in my heart, but I feel closer to him when I am at his grave.
I need to make it a point to keep up with my blog more. OK, now I'm talking to myself.
I'm going to close with a very cute little story. I hope you enjoy...
So a couple of weeks ago I threw a bridal shower at my house and my Mom and best friend Bobbi came to help decorate etc. Bobbi brought her 3 year old daughter with her, Emme. Emme is adorable and very sweet. She went upstairs in my house to play while the women were down stairs with their drinks etc. We set up a movie for her and she bounced around on my yoga ball and was getting into everything. We hardly have anything up there so when she would ask me if she could touch things I just told her that there was nothing up there that she could hurt and she could play with whatever she wanted. She really liked that answer. Emme loves books and so I took her over to pick out a book to read from Aidan's library. We read a book and then I went down stairs to entertain the guests. Emme I guess decided she needed more playmates and grabbed my Mom and dragged her upstairs to read another book. My Mom loves kids so she went over and asked which book she wanted to read. This is what I overheard...
Emme says "Whose books are these?"
My Mom - "They are Aidan's books."
Emme - "Who is Aidan?"
My Mom - "He's an angel."
Emme - "Does he look like an angel?"
My Mom - "Yes"
Emme - "Does he wear Angel clothes?"
My Mom - "Yes"
Emme - "Do you think he is okay with me reading his books?"
My Mom - "Yes, Aidan loves books and he wants to share them with you. He loves it when you read his books."
Emme - "Oh, good. I love Aidan".
Love, Me.
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