So it's a new year. As each new year arrives we are supposed to look to the future. To new hope, to new beginnings. But as I approached this new year all I could think about was what the previous year meant. All my family had been through, all that we had gained and all we had lost.
Last year was the year of Aidan. In January of last year we found out we were pregnant. We were so excited. Not more than a few weeks later we saw his little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. For those of you who have children you know what I mean when I say, it was the most amazing and wondrous thing I had ever seen. At only 6 weeks you could see his little heart flicker with life and you could hear it beat...so fast like a little bird. I remember grabbing Andrew's hand as we sat in that dark ultrasound room staring up at the screen; we were so amazed and we both started to cry....life really is a miracle. As the weeks went on we were so unbelievably happy at the thought of this little life joining our family...a little human that was being created inside me...half me and half Andrew. Then of course things changed and turned in a different direction. After Aidan's diagnosis day, June 4th, or D day as it is more commonly known in the baby loss realm, my life changed forever. However in those days that followed, I have never been closer to God. It's always in times of struggle or pain that you cling on to the basics, to the values of your core...your family...your spouse...your God. Everything else just seems insignificant. The weeks and months that followed were the hardest but some the most beautiful days of my life. When you know time is running out you try to pack a lifetime in those few days or hours that you are given....and that is what Andrew and I tried to do with Aidan....I just wish we had more time...I wish I was given a lifetime.
2010 was bitter sweet. I became a Mother for the first time, and Andrew a Father. I got to know what it was like to have life growing and wiggling and kicking in side me. I got to give birth naturally and I got to hold my child and ohhh and ahhh over his perfect little features. But unfortunately time just wasn't enough.
Now as I am starting a new chapter in 2011 I am looking to the future, but also remembering all that I have journeyed through to get here. I am trying to be hopeful. I am trying to trust in God that He will stick by me; that He will heal my still painful open wounds, that life will get easier and that I will know what it's like to be happy again.
So, in the spirit of new chapters I wanted to post the below. It is something that I am sure many have seen in chain emails (which I absolutely despise) but I just loved what this said that I wanted to post it here....(there is no obligation to forward to anyone. :-)
Allegedly written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.
"45 lessons life taught me.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31 However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. (Amen!)
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Love, Me.
