Since this is the first weekend after the "holidays" (meaning Christmas and New Years) we went out to visit Aidan to retrieve all of his Christmas decor from his grave, and of course to visit. There were at least 4 cars lined up in front of Lullaby Land where Aidan is buried. It's the baby/child section. All these families were doing the same thing we were; taking the "Merry Christmas" signs or little Christmas trees out from their baby's graves and replacing it with silk flowers or other decor. To see all these families there is both sad and great. It's sad because I hate knowing that all these other people are suffering and hurting because of the death of their children, but its also great because it means that these people are keeping the memory of their kids alive...and I love seeing that.
When we pulled up we had Abbey with us. We take her out to visit her brother every weekend and read to him and visit. When I saw all the other parents there; some whose child died a year or more ago, some whose child had died in the last couple of months, I wasn't sure whether bringing Abbey out there would be a good thing, or a bad thing for them to see. On one hand I know how much it hurts to see a living baby when you've buried yours; especially those first few months. But on the other hand I remember hearing or knowing about someone having a rainbow baby and I would be so happy for those women. When I saw what I knew was a rainbow baby, as a mom who had lost her baby, I loved it; because it gave me hope that one day I could bring home a living baby too.
We waited until most of the families were done and were wrapping up and heading toward their cars before heading to Aidan's spot. We past the families and gave a little smile and a nod. I've seen families out there before, but we never speak to anyone. Mostly because I don't know what to say, but also because nothing needs to be said. We all "know" what the other is going through because one of us has been where the other is; or we will be.
I really hate that Aidan died. Yes, that is kind of a "Duh!" statement, but I really really hate it. I hate that my family will never feel complete. I hate that Abbey will never know her brother. I hate that I am missing seeing him grow up. I hate seeing other people who have a boy and a girl who are close together in age. It stings. I think to myself, "Why do those parents get to see their kids grow up together and I don't?" I am jealous.
I find myself looking up what Aidan would be doing now. "Your 17 month old is asserting himself in numerous ways: He may be able to take off his own socks or diaper (undressing fully will come later, and putting clothes on a bit after that) and brush his own teeth (though "brushing" at this age means sticking the toothbrush in his mouth and chewing on it, so he continues to need your help). Could toilet training be on the horizon?" Or I'll find myself looking at pictures of some of my friends' kids on facebook and looking for pictures of their kids at the age Aidan would be now. Aidan should be 18 months old the end of this month. He should be 2 years old in July. I can't believe all that I am missing and the more time passes, the more I realize I am missing out on...and I hate it.
Okay, sorry for being so blah! I don't mean to be such a downer...I've just been having some sad days...and the holidays were bitter sweet.
Abbey is doing so well. We just had our 4 month Dr. appointment on Friday. I can't believe she is already 4 months old. She is 14lbs 5oz and is measuring 25 inches long. 52 percentile for weight. 72 percentile for height and 84 percentile for head circumference. I really thought that she would be in a higher percentile for weight because to me she looks chunkier, but I guess she is right in the middle which is ideal. She eats a ton (4-5oz every 2.5-3hrs) and has started to (mostly) sleep through the night. She is a smiley happy baby and is growing and developing more and more everyday. She can roll over and has started to love her feet. And everything is new and exciting....and apparently needs to go in her mouth. She laughs occasionally, which I love. And she goos and gahhs and gurgles and laas and coos. I feel like she is going to just look at me one day and say "Momma, um ba ba". Ba ba is probably her favorite thing (bottle) so I have no doubt that "Ba" will probably be her first word.
This past week was our dog Willie's 5th Birthday. Actually Abbey (aka "Toots") and Willie shared their 4 month and 5 year Birthdays on Thursday. We got some great pictures of them together while Willie was eating his birthday burger (which we get him every year).
This past week was also the first 1st week in January in 2 years where I didn't find out I was pregnant. Which is both great and a little sad. I don't exactly know why it's a little sad. I mean geez I've been pregnant for 2 years in a row, my body needs a rest. I think it has something to do with Aidan.
Speaking of 2 babies in 2 years, I TOTALLY need to lose weight...again. This time though since I am breastfeeding I can't do anything crazy and have to do it the old fashioned way...by eating right and working out. Yeah, yuck is what I think too! I would much rather starve myself and get quick results...but you can't do that and breastfeed. So, I'm just going to do my best and hope for some kind of horrible stomach bug so I can jump start my diet with some quick weight loss. LOL.
2011 was so great and healing for us. Abbey has brought so much joy to our lives and allowed us to grow in our faith; in God and each other. I truly feel blessed for all that 2011 has brought. I hope that 2012 is good to us....but no matter what I know it will be an adventure.
Love, Me.
