Radio Silence....

I'm sorry I have sort of been out of the loop. I have wanted to post a million times, and it wasn't me being "busy" or not have enough time that has prevented me...I just don't have much to say I guess. I still miss my son everyday, but everyday the pain is a little more bearable....although I still cry. I'll cry at random things. I'll cry at commercials, at other baby loss stories and sometimes I'll just look at Aidan's scrapbook and cry. Time is just flying by and soon it will be a year since he was born. To date it has been almost 8 months...I can't believe that I should have an 8 month old at home....although to look at my body, you would believe it. But, all the stretch marks and extra weight are just battle scars...my Aidan scars that I wouldn't give up for anything.

This weekend I am giving a Bridal Shower at my house for one of my surrogate brother's fiancée. My brother has two best friends, Gabe and Billy. They have been best friends since they were little and have always been apart of our family going on family vacations, Thanksgivings, Christmases you name it our door was always open. This is the first non-family event I've had at my house and it's sort of forcing me to actually DO things to my house to make it look lived in. I bought new chairs for our kitchen and drapes for the living room. I've hired a maid to come in and start cleaning once a month (which I really needed especially for the bathroom...I really hate cleaning the bathroom). So I'm hoping that this will start a trend and I'll really get my house "lived in". Ideally I would like to paint...but that is so darn messy, plus I know me...I would get sick of it eventually and want to change it...I'll do it eventually...all the walls are just so beige now. Hmmm.

In other news I went to a baby shower the end of February. I was actually really proud of myself for going. It was for a friend of mine who is having a girl due 3/29. If it was for a boy I might not have gone in all honesty. For some reason I can handle baby girl stuff better than boy stuff. The shower was very cute and the gals who threw it really put a lot of planning into it because it was beautiful. She got a bunch of cute stuff and it was generally enjoyable, but it put me in an awkward place....When you go to a baby shower there are women who have children and women who don't....I didn't really fit in to either of these groups. The non-mothers would talk about where they went out drinking the night before or dinner or the new bag they bought....I live in the burbs instead of the heart of Dallas like I did pre-pregnancy and we don't go out anymore so I didn't have much to say to them. The mothers would talk about their kiddos, how old they are, funny things they did about their birth etc.......my baby is gone, I don't have any cute stories to tell about Aidan, about what he did or said and if I started to talk about the birth I would have to go into the details of his death and since most of the women there were complete strangers I wasn't going to make them feel uncomfortable.

I guess I'll always be in a very small little group...the group of loss mothers. We have to deal with the ramifications of our child's death far beyond their burial and far beyond the birth of subsequent children. We have to deal with questions like "Do you have any children?" ---- Do I say Yes or No? Yes I have a child but died during birth?. Or "Is this your first?" ---- No actually my first baby died. Or, "How many children do you have?"----Do I answer 2 or include my angel and say 3?  Or, if you have all boys..."All boys huh, are you still going to try for that girl?" ------- Actually I had a girl, but she passed away. Loss moms constantly dread these types of questions, which seem to other people to be simple but to us seem complicated. You find yourself at a loss because you want to acknowledge the life of your child, but you don't want to freak people out or make them feel uncomfortable. I find myself avoiding social situations where I'll be introduced to new people because of questions like this.

I have started decorating Aidan's grave for various holidays. My parents started doing it with Valentines day they put out the cutest display and so I have taken that and now have his St. Patrick's display out and have a bunch of things ready to go for his Easter display. It's not much, but I'm going to do things for him, he is still my son and I love him. Here are some pictures of his St. Patrick's display...

I can't figure out how to un-rotate this one, but you get the idea. The sign says "I'm a Wee Bit Irish" :-)

Well, I have to get back to work and I'll try to post more often. I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend!!



Love, Me.