It's beginning to look a lot like....BAA HUMBUG!!!

Hello All,

Thanksgiving this year was the worst of my life. It should have been happy, I should have had Aidan with me, but instead Andrew and I spent it apart. Him in St. Louis and I in Oklahoma. Both my and Andrew's Thanksgivings were equally horrible. I got to listen to my family talk about my cousin's kids and all that they have been up to, including stories about her baby boy who was born a month after I had Aidan (like I really needed those anecdotes) and Andrew got to listen to all kinds of baby talk because his sister is pregnant and is due in January. I think that Andrew and I would both agree that we would have rather been in our own house maintaining a solid and sustainable drunk for all of the Thanksgiving weekend. I'm just glad that neither of us actually acted on our inner thoughts and no one got Bitch Slapped or severely tongue lashed.

I'm not saying that those stories and that happiness that our families felt the need to expose us to can't happen. I'm all for people talking about baby stuff and being happy....just not around me. When I'm not around please by all means talk about showers or cute things they did or said or boppys, but when I'm there, please talk about something else. Anything...the death penalty...your recent cake ball recipe...how Night at the Museum 2 was just not as good as the original...ANYTHING ELSE!! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a time warp, or the twilight zone when people talk about baby stuff around me, I just want to say SERIOUSLY!?!? or like that SNL skit "REALLY?!!? REALLY?!!". I digress...

Now were are on to Christmas. I have to friggin force myself to be in the Christmas spirit which really sucks. I usually love Christmas, I love baking and going to parties and sweaters and all of that. Now I have to force myself to at least pretend to be joyful. Forcing myself to do things has been a theme in my life these days. Forcing myself to smile. Forcing myself to be happy for other people. Forcing myself to take care of my house and myself. My hope is that one day I won't have to force myself to do any of these things, that after a while I will want to do those things and it will happen naturally. Although, I don't really know when that is going to happen...I don't think any time soon.

We went out and visited Aidan this past Sunday. I can't remember whether I have mentioned it before, but Aidan is buried in "Lullaby Land" which is a section only for children who die younger than 2 years old. Now that it is the holiday season parents are starting to decorate their children's graves with poinsettias and red green and white flowers and other holiday things. My mother had a grave blanket made for him (see picture below). It is just beautiful. I laughed to my mom when I told her how beautiful it was on the phone and how he had the biggest and most extravagant grave decoration out there. It reminded me of when I was little. My mother never under does anything, she has always been an over doer, and to her credit I believe that she has rubbed off on me a little in that department.

I always had the best birthday parties, the most presents, the nicest clothes, in my mother's eyes nothing was too good for me. I remember for my 11th birthday my mom took 10 girls to Six Flags and she had matching shirts and sun visors made for everyone to wear. I was in pageants when I was little and always had custom dresses made so no one else had anything like my dress. When I was in 5th grade most of my clothes came from a store called Animal Crackers where the average cost of an outfit was around $300 (and yes that was back in the late 80's early 90's) and I had an outfit that even had a name "Star Wars". I always had private lessons in cheerleading or gymnastics. I had a brand new Chevy Camero when I turned 16 and my homecoming dress my senior year in high school was a Bob Mackie original. I have to say that when I was little I did not truly appreciate all that she did for me, in fact I was almost embarrassed due to the fact that several kids were mean to me because of jealousy, but now that I'm older the extravagant things that she did for me and the sacrifices that she made for me are what I remember most. The fact that she went without new clothes so that I could have ones named "Star Wars", that she would take me to have my nails and hair professionally done at 12 and she would color her hair in the sink at home; that she would use grocery money she had saved or money from her rental property on my private gymnastics lessons rather than on herself. I love you mom.

I really have the best mom in the world and I know that if Aidan had lived, he would have been the most spoiled child ever because not only would he have been spoiled by Andrew and me, but by my mother as well...and even though that chance may have been taken away, we are still taking every opportunity to spoil him....he is the only child out there with a huge arrangement and a granite lined bronze vase (not in the picture under the grave blanket).

**I know the pictures aren't very clear. His marker says "Aidan Jackson McCaffrey July 27, 2010 "For this child I prayed" 1 Sam. 1:27" His neighbors are Sebastian to his left and Olivia to his right. They both passed away in June.**



In other news, my grandma is almost done with her Chemo and the last blood test showed that she is 1 point from remission. We are all so thrilled and thankful that she will have more time with us. My aunt is progressing in her treatment and has had a double mastectomy and is just starting her Chemo, so please keep her in your prayers.

So, I guess this brings me to the end of yet another random post. Forgive me if it is disjointed, I started and had to come back to it several times. :-) I really hope that your holiday season is better than mine...looking forward to a better 2011.

Love, Me.