July 27th, 2011 - One Year

On July 27th 2010 my sweet angel Aidan came into this world. He was perfect and beautiful and was immediately born into the arms of Jesus. I have never loved anything as much as I love him.

I held him for 7 wonderful hours and studied his every feature. I can still remember how his skin smelled his weight in my arms, the softness of his skin and hair and his little chubby cheeks and appendages. He looked so much like his daddy with a little of me and my family sprinkled in.

I can't believe that it has been now over 1 year since he was born. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and others it seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it is almost unreal all that Andrew and I have been through; sometimes I wake up in the morning and still can't believe I buried my son. And still, over a year later, I still cry everyday for him. I still miss him so much it physically hurts. I still would give my life for his if given the choice. I still have a chunk of my heart missing.

This year I took the day off of work. I had fully intended on writing in Aidan's journal, looking at pictures and ultrasound video and crying and laying in bed all day....but I didn't. My family and I started "Kindness Day in Memory of Aidan Jackson McCaffrey - July 27, 2010". We asked all of our friends and family to do one kind thing in memory of Aidan. It didn't have to be huge, or cost a dime, all we asked is that people do one nice thing to honor my son. I was so touched by how many people participated. People gave blood, donated money to charitable organizations, bought co-worker's lunch, donated canned goods to local shelters, picked up trash, helped another with their luggage at the airport, paid someone elses toll and countless other things. It was so wonderful.

I myself took 6 dozen cookies up to the Labor and Delivery Floor of the hospital where Aidan was born. My mother and I dropped off the cookies at the nurses station and explained to them all about Aidan, about how he was born here last year, about how he went to be with Jesus and about how wonderful all the nurses were to us. We wanted them to know that although they might not get the thank you they deserve everyday, they are valued and can touch people's lives and hearts, even when they don't know it. When we started to talk about Aidan I couldn't help but start to cry. I could see the room where he was delivered out of the corner of my eye, and so many memories came flooding back. I remember being wheeled in while having contractions. I remember seeing a flower on the back of a neighboring door knowing that soon I would have a flower on my door too. (flowers on a hospital door in the L&D ward mean there has been a death). I remember how cold that room was, about how quiet and peaceful it was when Aidan was born. I remembered how reverent everyone was in that room, how precious and sacred it was. How even though Andrew and I had tears streaming down our face we were smiling while holding our son. We were so happy to meet him and couldn't believe we had created something so beautiful and amazing.

I was so glad that I went to thank the nurses. I have thought about them often, especially Jodie who was my day nurse and was there when Aidan was born. She was an angel and I truly believe that God chose her to be with me on that day; I couldn't have asked for a better or kinder nurse.

So even now, 1 year later I miss my son terribly. But even now, 1 year later, Aidan is still changing the world, touching the hearts and minds to be better, to be kinder. The light of his life has yet to be extinguished, because it lives on through the goodness and actions of others done in Aidan's name.

One of the themes of Kindess Day was "Be the Change you Want to See in the World!!" Aidan made me a better person, a better wife, a better daughter, and better mother and I'm not going to let him down. I promised him that I would make him proud to be mine, that I wouldn't fail him... and I'm going to keep my promise.

Love, Me.