A Loss is a Loss

Andrew and I unexpectedly became pregnant in December of 2014. We were NOT planning and in fact both of us were incredibly surprised and shocked. With two little girls, working full time and a schedule that would rival a touring rock band needless to say time for sex is non-existent. We were shocked but elated. We completely felt God's hand it in and knew this was a baby was a gift.

But I knew something wasn't right. I wasn't getting sick. My breasts weren't tender. I just didn't feel "pregnant". Nonetheless, I trusted God....and the pregnancy tests I would take on almost a daily basis. I kept repeating, "Today I am pregnant, and for that I am thankful."

Then at our 8 week ultrasound my fears were confirmed. Our baby had no heartbeat. The ultrasound technician and even my OB kept saying maybe we had the conception date wrong, not to give up hope. But I knew in my heart our baby was gone. Two days later I started to bleed. Two weeks later I had a follow up ultrasound and most of the baby was gone, but not all. I was given pills to try and "encourage" the expulsion of my child from my uterus. The pills gave me nothing but horrible cramps. I had to have a D&C.

I had no idea what to expect. All I know is I am glad that I was completely knocked out for that procedure. After my doctor explained exactly what they do, all I kept thinking was "abortion, abortion, abortion". And really that is what it is. Except my baby was already gone.

I have to say, this really took be back in my grief. I cried. A lot. At times I felt silly. How can I mourn a baby I never held, didn't name, didn't even know the gender of? But you know what? You can. And I also felt guilt. Guilt because I wasn't 100% excited when we first found out. I wasn't sure how we would handle two so close in age. I was nervous and afraid. I didn't immediately trust God like I know I should have. A part of me felt like not trusting God was what took my baby from me. It's hard not to turn it inward. It's hard to accept loss no matter when it happens and this was no different.

One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. 25%. For me it has been two out of four. And let me be honest and say it SUCKS! It makes me angry and heartbroken. Especially knowing there isn't a way for me to fix it or make it right.

I think that's why I work each year to raise money for children's charities. Why I registered Team Running for Aidan as a Texas non-profit and 501(c)3. I am fighting the helplessness. The out of control. Instead I'm taking control. I'm doing whatever I can so that other parents don't have to say goodbye to their children. I know I'm just one person. But one voice can reach two ears. And those two ears can enact another voice and the message will have reached four ears. And so on creating a chain reaction. Aidan was the first voice and it is my mission to make his message reach the hearts of the world, because we can make a difference. Even if we save just one child, that one child's survival will prevent many hearts from being broken. And that is worth it.

Love, Me.