So it's a new year. As each new year arrives we are supposed to look to the future. To new hope, to new beginnings. But as I approached this new year all I could think about was what the previous year meant. All my family had been through, all that we had gained and all we had lost.
Last year was the year of Aidan. In January of last year we found out we were pregnant. We were so excited. Not more than a few weeks later we saw his little heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. For those of you who have children you know what I mean when I say, it was the most amazing and wondrous thing I had ever seen. At only 6 weeks you could see his little heart flicker with life and you could hear it beat...so fast like a little bird. I remember grabbing Andrew's hand as we sat in that dark ultrasound room staring up at the screen; we were so amazed and we both started to cry....life really is a miracle. As the weeks went on we were so unbelievably happy at the thought of this little life joining our family...a little human that was being created inside me...half me and half Andrew. Then of course things changed and turned in a different direction. After Aidan's diagnosis day, June 4th, or D day as it is more commonly known in the baby loss realm, my life changed forever. However in those days that followed, I have never been closer to God. It's always in times of struggle or pain that you cling on to the basics, to the values of your core...your family...your spouse...your God. Everything else just seems insignificant. The weeks and months that followed were the hardest but some the most beautiful days of my life. When you know time is running out you try to pack a lifetime in those few days or hours that you are given....and that is what Andrew and I tried to do with Aidan....I just wish we had more time...I wish I was given a lifetime.
2010 was bitter sweet. I became a Mother for the first time, and Andrew a Father. I got to know what it was like to have life growing and wiggling and kicking in side me. I got to give birth naturally and I got to hold my child and ohhh and ahhh over his perfect little features. But unfortunately time just wasn't enough.
Now as I am starting a new chapter in 2011 I am looking to the future, but also remembering all that I have journeyed through to get here. I am trying to be hopeful. I am trying to trust in God that He will stick by me; that He will heal my still painful open wounds, that life will get easier and that I will know what it's like to be happy again.
So, in the spirit of new chapters I wanted to post the below. It is something that I am sure many have seen in chain emails (which I absolutely despise) but I just loved what this said that I wanted to post it here....(there is no obligation to forward to anyone. :-)
Allegedly written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.
"45 lessons life taught me.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31 However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. (Amen!)
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Love, Me.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
And that Concludes Christmas 2010
Yesterday was Christmas. It was a about as good as it could have been. I woke up early around 7:30 (I just can't sleep anymore and always wake up early even when I don't have to) got cleaned up and went and visited Aidan. We took Willie with us and dressed him in his Christmas sweater (yes, I am one of those people who puts clothes on their dogs; Willie is my only living child so whatever). He looked so cute. We brought a book with us called "You are my miracle" and read it to Aidan. It was very very cold yesterday and the wind was blowing fairly hard. The oak tree above Aidan's grave was practically bald from losing all of its leaves; leaves which no one cleans up, so I was constantly brushing off and pulling out leaves from Aidan's Christmas Arrangement. I also try and clean up the other kids' graves that are around him, I know they would do the same for Aidan. It seemed so strange to be at a cemetery on Christmas, but that is my life now. Other people on Christmas get up early make coffee and watch their children open up their gifts...I go to the cemetery and visit my son.
This was the first time that Andrew and I have brought Willie to visit Aidan and if other people had been there we wouldn't have actually taken Willie out of the car, but since no one was there and it was Christmas my sweet Willie joined us at Aidan's grave. This was the first time my entire family was together since July when Aidan was in my belly. I know Willie would have loved Aidan. He is such a gentle dog and doesn't mind it when the neighbor kids pull his ears; he just licks their faces and hands and will let them rub and love on him as much as they want. I know that Willie would have been the same with Aidan and once he would start to eat solid food, he would have been Aidan's best friend! :-) Willie is such a mooch and loves all people food (except for Asparagus and Spinach) so I know he would have been stationed under his highchair eating all the cheerios or other foods falling to the floor and would be jumping (literally) at the chance to lick Aidan's food filled face before I could wipe it. Not only did Andrew and I lose out on memories....but Willie did too.
We walked Willie to the back of Lullaby Land where Aidan is and as soon as we got there Willie went straight to Aidan's headstone and started licking and sniffing it. He passed by all the other head stones and went straight to Aidan's. It was as if he knew that his brother was there. I immediately started bawling and so did Andrew. We held Willie and talked to Aidan and read him his story. We told him how much we missed him and how this Christmas was supposed to be different. We told him how much we loved him and how we wished we could be together. How much his Mimi and Poppy miss him and love him and that we hope his Christmas in heaven is wonderful.....It was heartbreaking to be there, but it was wonderful because my whole family was there....together on Christmas.
We then piled back in the car and went home to open gifts. Santa Paws came for Willie (that's the Santa for dogs) and he brought him some bones shaped like candy canes, a new Christmas sweater, 2 new babies (stuffed reindeer that squeak) and some doggie cookies. He was very excited. Andrew got a new XBox 360 with Kinect from my mom and I bought him some games to go with it. He bought me Band Hero and a dance game and we spent the morning playing with our new toys....Yes, we are in our 30's...don't judge.
Finally around 1:00 we put away our new toys and started getting dinner ready. We hosted Christmas dinner this year for my parents and my uncle. My brother and his wife couldn't make it because my sister in law works retail and had to work the day before and the day after Christmas and they live in Oklahoma. It really sucked not having them here....especially since I made enough food for 10 people....I just don't know how to cook for a small number. This was our menu below...
Appetizers
Crab Cakes
Raspberry Chipotle Cheese Dip
Mushroom Whatnots
Chile Cheese Squares
Jarlsberg Bacon Dip
Main
Ham
Grilled Asparagus
Grilled Vegetable Salad with Bacon
Green Bean Casserole
Potato Casserole
Rolls
Dessert
Assorted Homemade Cookies/Candies
Chocolate Mousse
Coffee
Regular
Holiday Coffee (Baileys and Tuaca)
I think I have about 20 pounds of leftovers in my garage refrigerator, but everything turned out wonderful!
We cooked and created all day, then we ate, drank and watched two classic Christmas movies with my family, Christmas Vacation and Bad Santa. Finally when everyone was stuffed to the gills my parents and uncle went home and it was just Andrew, Willie and Me. We cuddled up on the couch with some wine and a movie and with the quiet filling our house I fell asleep. It was a good Christmas....as good as it could have been without my Aidan.
Love, Me.
This was the first time that Andrew and I have brought Willie to visit Aidan and if other people had been there we wouldn't have actually taken Willie out of the car, but since no one was there and it was Christmas my sweet Willie joined us at Aidan's grave. This was the first time my entire family was together since July when Aidan was in my belly. I know Willie would have loved Aidan. He is such a gentle dog and doesn't mind it when the neighbor kids pull his ears; he just licks their faces and hands and will let them rub and love on him as much as they want. I know that Willie would have been the same with Aidan and once he would start to eat solid food, he would have been Aidan's best friend! :-) Willie is such a mooch and loves all people food (except for Asparagus and Spinach) so I know he would have been stationed under his highchair eating all the cheerios or other foods falling to the floor and would be jumping (literally) at the chance to lick Aidan's food filled face before I could wipe it. Not only did Andrew and I lose out on memories....but Willie did too.
We walked Willie to the back of Lullaby Land where Aidan is and as soon as we got there Willie went straight to Aidan's headstone and started licking and sniffing it. He passed by all the other head stones and went straight to Aidan's. It was as if he knew that his brother was there. I immediately started bawling and so did Andrew. We held Willie and talked to Aidan and read him his story. We told him how much we missed him and how this Christmas was supposed to be different. We told him how much we loved him and how we wished we could be together. How much his Mimi and Poppy miss him and love him and that we hope his Christmas in heaven is wonderful.....It was heartbreaking to be there, but it was wonderful because my whole family was there....together on Christmas.
We then piled back in the car and went home to open gifts. Santa Paws came for Willie (that's the Santa for dogs) and he brought him some bones shaped like candy canes, a new Christmas sweater, 2 new babies (stuffed reindeer that squeak) and some doggie cookies. He was very excited. Andrew got a new XBox 360 with Kinect from my mom and I bought him some games to go with it. He bought me Band Hero and a dance game and we spent the morning playing with our new toys....Yes, we are in our 30's...don't judge.
Finally around 1:00 we put away our new toys and started getting dinner ready. We hosted Christmas dinner this year for my parents and my uncle. My brother and his wife couldn't make it because my sister in law works retail and had to work the day before and the day after Christmas and they live in Oklahoma. It really sucked not having them here....especially since I made enough food for 10 people....I just don't know how to cook for a small number. This was our menu below...
Appetizers
Crab Cakes
Raspberry Chipotle Cheese Dip
Mushroom Whatnots
Chile Cheese Squares
Jarlsberg Bacon Dip
Main
Ham
Grilled Asparagus
Grilled Vegetable Salad with Bacon
Green Bean Casserole
Potato Casserole
Rolls
Dessert
Assorted Homemade Cookies/Candies
Chocolate Mousse
Coffee
Regular
Holiday Coffee (Baileys and Tuaca)
I think I have about 20 pounds of leftovers in my garage refrigerator, but everything turned out wonderful!
We cooked and created all day, then we ate, drank and watched two classic Christmas movies with my family, Christmas Vacation and Bad Santa. Finally when everyone was stuffed to the gills my parents and uncle went home and it was just Andrew, Willie and Me. We cuddled up on the couch with some wine and a movie and with the quiet filling our house I fell asleep. It was a good Christmas....as good as it could have been without my Aidan.
Love, Me.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
What is "Normal"?
What is "Normal"?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of my baby's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
-Author Unknown
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of my baby's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
-Author Unknown
Love, Me.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
It's beginning to look a lot like....BAA HUMBUG!!!
Hello All,
Thanksgiving this year was the worst of my life. It should have been happy, I should have had Aidan with me, but instead Andrew and I spent it apart. Him in St. Louis and I in Oklahoma. Both my and Andrew's Thanksgivings were equally horrible. I got to listen to my family talk about my cousin's kids and all that they have been up to, including stories about her baby boy who was born a month after I had Aidan (like I really needed those anecdotes) and Andrew got to listen to all kinds of baby talk because his sister is pregnant and is due in January. I think that Andrew and I would both agree that we would have rather been in our own house maintaining a solid and sustainable drunk for all of the Thanksgiving weekend. I'm just glad that neither of us actually acted on our inner thoughts and no one got Bitch Slapped or severely tongue lashed.
I'm not saying that those stories and that happiness that our families felt the need to expose us to can't happen. I'm all for people talking about baby stuff and being happy....just not around me. When I'm not around please by all means talk about showers or cute things they did or said or boppys, but when I'm there, please talk about something else. Anything...the death penalty...your recent cake ball recipe...how Night at the Museum 2 was just not as good as the original...ANYTHING ELSE!! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a time warp, or the twilight zone when people talk about baby stuff around me, I just want to say SERIOUSLY!?!? or like that SNL skit "REALLY?!!? REALLY?!!". I digress...
Now were are on to Christmas. I have to friggin force myself to be in the Christmas spirit which really sucks. I usually love Christmas, I love baking and going to parties and sweaters and all of that. Now I have to force myself to at least pretend to be joyful. Forcing myself to do things has been a theme in my life these days. Forcing myself to smile. Forcing myself to be happy for other people. Forcing myself to take care of my house and myself. My hope is that one day I won't have to force myself to do any of these things, that after a while I will want to do those things and it will happen naturally. Although, I don't really know when that is going to happen...I don't think any time soon.
We went out and visited Aidan this past Sunday. I can't remember whether I have mentioned it before, but Aidan is buried in "Lullaby Land" which is a section only for children who die younger than 2 years old. Now that it is the holiday season parents are starting to decorate their children's graves with poinsettias and red green and white flowers and other holiday things. My mother had a grave blanket made for him (see picture below). It is just beautiful. I laughed to my mom when I told her how beautiful it was on the phone and how he had the biggest and most extravagant grave decoration out there. It reminded me of when I was little. My mother never under does anything, she has always been an over doer, and to her credit I believe that she has rubbed off on me a little in that department.
I always had the best birthday parties, the most presents, the nicest clothes, in my mother's eyes nothing was too good for me. I remember for my 11th birthday my mom took 10 girls to Six Flags and she had matching shirts and sun visors made for everyone to wear. I was in pageants when I was little and always had custom dresses made so no one else had anything like my dress. When I was in 5th grade most of my clothes came from a store called Animal Crackers where the average cost of an outfit was around $300 (and yes that was back in the late 80's early 90's) and I had an outfit that even had a name "Star Wars". I always had private lessons in cheerleading or gymnastics. I had a brand new Chevy Camero when I turned 16 and my homecoming dress my senior year in high school was a Bob Mackie original. I have to say that when I was little I did not truly appreciate all that she did for me, in fact I was almost embarrassed due to the fact that several kids were mean to me because of jealousy, but now that I'm older the extravagant things that she did for me and the sacrifices that she made for me are what I remember most. The fact that she went without new clothes so that I could have ones named "Star Wars", that she would take me to have my nails and hair professionally done at 12 and she would color her hair in the sink at home; that she would use grocery money she had saved or money from her rental property on my private gymnastics lessons rather than on herself. I love you mom.
I really have the best mom in the world and I know that if Aidan had lived, he would have been the most spoiled child ever because not only would he have been spoiled by Andrew and me, but by my mother as well...and even though that chance may have been taken away, we are still taking every opportunity to spoil him....he is the only child out there with a huge arrangement and a granite lined bronze vase (not in the picture under the grave blanket).
**I know the pictures aren't very clear. His marker says "Aidan Jackson McCaffrey July 27, 2010 "For this child I prayed" 1 Sam. 1:27" His neighbors are Sebastian to his left and Olivia to his right. They both passed away in June.**
In other news, my grandma is almost done with her Chemo and the last blood test showed that she is 1 point from remission. We are all so thrilled and thankful that she will have more time with us. My aunt is progressing in her treatment and has had a double mastectomy and is just starting her Chemo, so please keep her in your prayers.
So, I guess this brings me to the end of yet another random post. Forgive me if it is disjointed, I started and had to come back to it several times. :-) I really hope that your holiday season is better than mine...looking forward to a better 2011.
Love, Me.
Thanksgiving this year was the worst of my life. It should have been happy, I should have had Aidan with me, but instead Andrew and I spent it apart. Him in St. Louis and I in Oklahoma. Both my and Andrew's Thanksgivings were equally horrible. I got to listen to my family talk about my cousin's kids and all that they have been up to, including stories about her baby boy who was born a month after I had Aidan (like I really needed those anecdotes) and Andrew got to listen to all kinds of baby talk because his sister is pregnant and is due in January. I think that Andrew and I would both agree that we would have rather been in our own house maintaining a solid and sustainable drunk for all of the Thanksgiving weekend. I'm just glad that neither of us actually acted on our inner thoughts and no one got Bitch Slapped or severely tongue lashed.
I'm not saying that those stories and that happiness that our families felt the need to expose us to can't happen. I'm all for people talking about baby stuff and being happy....just not around me. When I'm not around please by all means talk about showers or cute things they did or said or boppys, but when I'm there, please talk about something else. Anything...the death penalty...your recent cake ball recipe...how Night at the Museum 2 was just not as good as the original...ANYTHING ELSE!! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a time warp, or the twilight zone when people talk about baby stuff around me, I just want to say SERIOUSLY!?!? or like that SNL skit "REALLY?!!? REALLY?!!". I digress...
Now were are on to Christmas. I have to friggin force myself to be in the Christmas spirit which really sucks. I usually love Christmas, I love baking and going to parties and sweaters and all of that. Now I have to force myself to at least pretend to be joyful. Forcing myself to do things has been a theme in my life these days. Forcing myself to smile. Forcing myself to be happy for other people. Forcing myself to take care of my house and myself. My hope is that one day I won't have to force myself to do any of these things, that after a while I will want to do those things and it will happen naturally. Although, I don't really know when that is going to happen...I don't think any time soon.
We went out and visited Aidan this past Sunday. I can't remember whether I have mentioned it before, but Aidan is buried in "Lullaby Land" which is a section only for children who die younger than 2 years old. Now that it is the holiday season parents are starting to decorate their children's graves with poinsettias and red green and white flowers and other holiday things. My mother had a grave blanket made for him (see picture below). It is just beautiful. I laughed to my mom when I told her how beautiful it was on the phone and how he had the biggest and most extravagant grave decoration out there. It reminded me of when I was little. My mother never under does anything, she has always been an over doer, and to her credit I believe that she has rubbed off on me a little in that department.
I always had the best birthday parties, the most presents, the nicest clothes, in my mother's eyes nothing was too good for me. I remember for my 11th birthday my mom took 10 girls to Six Flags and she had matching shirts and sun visors made for everyone to wear. I was in pageants when I was little and always had custom dresses made so no one else had anything like my dress. When I was in 5th grade most of my clothes came from a store called Animal Crackers where the average cost of an outfit was around $300 (and yes that was back in the late 80's early 90's) and I had an outfit that even had a name "Star Wars". I always had private lessons in cheerleading or gymnastics. I had a brand new Chevy Camero when I turned 16 and my homecoming dress my senior year in high school was a Bob Mackie original. I have to say that when I was little I did not truly appreciate all that she did for me, in fact I was almost embarrassed due to the fact that several kids were mean to me because of jealousy, but now that I'm older the extravagant things that she did for me and the sacrifices that she made for me are what I remember most. The fact that she went without new clothes so that I could have ones named "Star Wars", that she would take me to have my nails and hair professionally done at 12 and she would color her hair in the sink at home; that she would use grocery money she had saved or money from her rental property on my private gymnastics lessons rather than on herself. I love you mom.
I really have the best mom in the world and I know that if Aidan had lived, he would have been the most spoiled child ever because not only would he have been spoiled by Andrew and me, but by my mother as well...and even though that chance may have been taken away, we are still taking every opportunity to spoil him....he is the only child out there with a huge arrangement and a granite lined bronze vase (not in the picture under the grave blanket).
In other news, my grandma is almost done with her Chemo and the last blood test showed that she is 1 point from remission. We are all so thrilled and thankful that she will have more time with us. My aunt is progressing in her treatment and has had a double mastectomy and is just starting her Chemo, so please keep her in your prayers.
So, I guess this brings me to the end of yet another random post. Forgive me if it is disjointed, I started and had to come back to it several times. :-) I really hope that your holiday season is better than mine...looking forward to a better 2011.
Love, Me.
Monday, November 8, 2010
One Hundred Percent
“A Pair of Shoes”
Author Unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
Yesterday and today have been hard. We went to visit Aidan's grave yesterday on our way home from our friends wedding weekend in Ft. Worth. They are finally done with installing everything. The last thing they installed was a granite base around Aidan's flower urn. Everything just looks beautiful. It was chilly yesterday, but the sun was out. The weather here in Texas is that where it is cold in the shade but nice in the sun because you can still feel some warmth. Aidan's grave is under a tree and so he gets the morning sun and the afternoon shade.
As we walked up to his grave I started to cry, as I normally do, and then as we got closer I couldn't catch my breath and couldn't stop. It's been a little over 3 months since we had him, 3 months since we buried him. As I looked down on his headstone I couldn't help but think about his beautiful face and precious hands, his chubby little body and how all of this is in a box just below my feet. All that was Aidan is boxed up. Boxed up in a casket, in a photo album, in a shadow box, in an "Aidan" file on my computer and in my email box. I hate boxes.
We read him a story. We read the Dr. Seuss story of Horton Hatches the Egg. I had never read this before and I just loved it. I love how he promised to protect the egg and continued to sit on the egg through all kinds of trouble and torment and kept repeating "I meant what I said and I said what I meant, And an elephant's faithful, one hundred per cent!" It reminded me of me and Aidan. When I was blessed with Aidan I promised him and God that I would take care of him and love him and even through the storm we battled together I did what I said I would. I carried him and loved him and cared for him as long as God allowed me to. I did what I said and I said what I meant, And I was faithful one hundred per cent. After our story I laid myself on top of Aidan's grave and sobbed. I laid my cheek across the cold granite of his headstone and laid my body on top of the ground outstretched my arms and sobbed for my son. I wanted to reach down through the earth and bring him up and hold him again. I wanted my son back.
Each day it is a tiny bit easier, but there are still days like Sunday when the pain still feels fresh. As the holidays approach I am so afraid of the pain that lurks behind every corner. It hurts my heart to read about the family holiday parties planned in my neighborhood, to read about other people's plans with their children. I am dreading the Christmas cards of new babies. If there was a way to block seeing babies or pregnant women on the street, on T.V. or any other place I would. I just don't want to see it. I don't want to be reminded of what I have lost, but no matter what I do I can't escape it. Everywhere I go there they are, mothers pushing strollers, parents talking about their kids, there is no where to hide. I want to much to go up to them and say..."I'm a mother too! Can I tell you about my son? About how beautiful he was?" but no one wants to hear about that, no one wants to know that babies die. So I watch the other mothers push their strollers around the neighborhood, or run after their toddler darting into the street and I nod and smile and keep it all inside and hope that one day it won't hurt so much.
So, I continue to pray for better days, to pray for the health of my ailing family and to pray for healing for my aching heart.
Love, Me.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Oh Sun...I miss you so!!
We are back from Mexico. We got back last Saturday. We had an amazing time. It is just so beautiful there. Neither myself nor Andrew had been to Cancun before. We've been to Cozumel but not Cancun...and Wow what a difference! Cancun has the most beautiful water, white sand beaches the water is so warm. We stayed at the Riu Palace Las Americas, an all-inclusive resort. It had a great beach, the food and drinks were good and we got a great deal for a weeks stay. The only 'excursion' we did was a day trip to Isla Mujeres on a Catamaran including a stop for snorkeling. I love swimming in the ocean and watching the fish and sea creatures swimming. It is so calming just floating there while the waves move up and down over the top of you meanwhile below the surface it is calm and beautiful.
I am a member of a couple of groups who have endured baby loss. Before going to Cancun I had asked if any of the mom's would like their baby's names written in the sand. I had 28 responses! I was so glad that we had so many to write and with each one that we did I tried so hard to make it perfect. To people who haven't lost a child this might seem weird, pictures of names...they are just words...but to those of us who have buried our children this is all we have. All we have are pictures, memories, names...We can't hold our baby each day, we can change them, feed them, love them, look into their eyes...we can't make any more memories with our children, and pictures of our child's name are ways that we can continue to make memories and to remember them and how wonderful they were.
This weekend is our friends Jamie and Lee's wedding. Andrew and I are both in the wedding (groomsman/bridesmaid) and I know it will be so much fun...albeit a bit chilly. The highs for this weekend are in the 60's and everything is going to be outside. They'll have heaters so it will be fine, but it is just such a shock from being in Mexico....I'm like I was in 80 degree weather a week ago, where did all of this cold come from? I've had to raid my guestroom closets for my sweaters and wool pants.....I miss the warm weather, the beach and the sun!!
We laid out near the pool or beach everyday. It was so relaxing just to lay on the beach, listen to the waves and read a good book or take a nap....I also miss the incredible salsas and guacamole which I ate everyday at every meal...including breakfast.
Thanksgiving is coming up, and Andrew and I will be spending it apart. :-( Andrew and I split up holidays with our families. Last year we did Thanksgiving with my family and did Christmas with his family. So this year we are supposed to go to St. Louis to spend Thanksgiving with Andrew's family. When we found out we were pregnant we both had planned on taking the entire week of Thanksgiving off of work and driving up to visit his family with Aidan spending as much 'family time' as possible....Well the best way to make God laugh is to tell him your plans. Needless to say that won't be happening this year. In fact, we aren't going to be in the same state. I will be in Tulsa with my family and my grandparents, and Andrew will be in St. Louis with his family. My grandmother isn't doing very well with her chemotherapy so I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I'm hoping to be able to visit her next weekend if she is feeling up to it.
My grandma is an amazing cook. Most if not all of her recipes are those she learned growing up from her mother, friends or from church cookbooks and most are either in her head or written down on little pieces of paper that she keeps in a drawer in her kitchen. I don't want those recipes to leave with her, some of which are from her grandmother (my great great grandmother) so my hope is to be able to visit her next weekend and get all her recipes and my computer to write down those that are not written down and make our family a cookbook to hand out for Christmas. I'm going to include some of mine and my mothers too....especially my mother's special "Spaghetti a la Jan" (this includes cooking frozen meatballs from a bag, cooking spaghetti and pouring on jarred tomato sauce; if you want to fancy it up then you can sprinkle on some Kraft parmesan cheese) ~ sorry mom I had to..LOL).
OK, now I'm rambling....
Hope you have a good weekend and thanks for reading!
Love, Me.
I am a member of a couple of groups who have endured baby loss. Before going to Cancun I had asked if any of the mom's would like their baby's names written in the sand. I had 28 responses! I was so glad that we had so many to write and with each one that we did I tried so hard to make it perfect. To people who haven't lost a child this might seem weird, pictures of names...they are just words...but to those of us who have buried our children this is all we have. All we have are pictures, memories, names...We can't hold our baby each day, we can change them, feed them, love them, look into their eyes...we can't make any more memories with our children, and pictures of our child's name are ways that we can continue to make memories and to remember them and how wonderful they were.
This weekend is our friends Jamie and Lee's wedding. Andrew and I are both in the wedding (groomsman/bridesmaid) and I know it will be so much fun...albeit a bit chilly. The highs for this weekend are in the 60's and everything is going to be outside. They'll have heaters so it will be fine, but it is just such a shock from being in Mexico....I'm like I was in 80 degree weather a week ago, where did all of this cold come from? I've had to raid my guestroom closets for my sweaters and wool pants.....I miss the warm weather, the beach and the sun!!
We laid out near the pool or beach everyday. It was so relaxing just to lay on the beach, listen to the waves and read a good book or take a nap....I also miss the incredible salsas and guacamole which I ate everyday at every meal...including breakfast.
Thanksgiving is coming up, and Andrew and I will be spending it apart. :-( Andrew and I split up holidays with our families. Last year we did Thanksgiving with my family and did Christmas with his family. So this year we are supposed to go to St. Louis to spend Thanksgiving with Andrew's family. When we found out we were pregnant we both had planned on taking the entire week of Thanksgiving off of work and driving up to visit his family with Aidan spending as much 'family time' as possible....Well the best way to make God laugh is to tell him your plans. Needless to say that won't be happening this year. In fact, we aren't going to be in the same state. I will be in Tulsa with my family and my grandparents, and Andrew will be in St. Louis with his family. My grandmother isn't doing very well with her chemotherapy so I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I'm hoping to be able to visit her next weekend if she is feeling up to it.
My grandma is an amazing cook. Most if not all of her recipes are those she learned growing up from her mother, friends or from church cookbooks and most are either in her head or written down on little pieces of paper that she keeps in a drawer in her kitchen. I don't want those recipes to leave with her, some of which are from her grandmother (my great great grandmother) so my hope is to be able to visit her next weekend and get all her recipes and my computer to write down those that are not written down and make our family a cookbook to hand out for Christmas. I'm going to include some of mine and my mothers too....especially my mother's special "Spaghetti a la Jan" (this includes cooking frozen meatballs from a bag, cooking spaghetti and pouring on jarred tomato sauce; if you want to fancy it up then you can sprinkle on some Kraft parmesan cheese) ~ sorry mom I had to..LOL).
OK, now I'm rambling....
Hope you have a good weekend and thanks for reading!
Love, Me.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Checking In...
So I haven't posted in a while and I thought that I should stop by and give a brief run down of what I've been doing...(and I'm bored a work so kill two birds you know?). Anyway...
October 2nd was the Walk to Remember here in Dallas. This is put on by M.E.N.D (Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death). Essentially it is a ceremony and day of remembrance for all of the babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. We were told to bring any memorabilia of our children that we wanted and put them on display. I put together a scrapbook for Aidan and a shadow box that had his onesie in it, the envelope with the lock of his hair, the shell that Andrew used to baptize him, his little hat, his baby blanket, his hospital bracelet, a clay impression of his little hand and a couple of pictures of him. I'm so glad that those items aren't in a box anymore. It was a very emotional day. There were over 300 people there. Moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters all there to remember the little ones lost. Some wore T-shirts that had pictures of the babies, or had the names and birthdays of the babies on the back and then "Sam's Mommy" on the front or "Sam's Grandma". The T-shirts would bring me to tears in an instant, not so much because it was sad, but because it was so sweet that they were being remembered. Some people were remembering children that they lost in the 90's, some just months ago and some had several losses that they were remembering. That really got to me. In one part of the ceremony that they give you a Christmas ornament with your child's name on it and then they call your name and the name of your baby and you walk up and but the ornament on a tree. For example "Amanda and Andrew McCaffrey remembering Aidan Jackson, July 27th, 2010". Then we walked up and put his ornament on the tree. But some of the moms and dads had multiple losses, and not early miscarriages either, some had miscarriages, and multiple full term losses and even older child losses. That just broke my heart...but it also was inspiring because that meant that even as those parents endured loss after loss...they kept trying. They never gave up hope or faith that one day they would have a healthy baby, and for the majority of these parents they did. It was great to see all the little babies there. In the baby loss world the children that are born after a child's death are called "Rainbow Babies". There were so many little Rainbows there; some even had little shirts made that said "I'm mommy's rainbow" or "I'm Sam's little sister".
October 9th Andrew, Me and my best friend Bobbi and her daughter Emme did a 5k for Children's Medical Center. It was lots of fun (and I really needed the exercise) :-). There were several teams there who were running for a child who had died or better, who had lived, who had been saved by the Doctors and Nurses at CMC. There was one father of a little boy who died of childhood cancer at 2 and he held up a huge sign above his head for the entire 3.1 miles that he walked with his family. I have to elaborate here because it wasn't like a little poster board or anything, it was at least 4 feet long and had two big wooden sticks on the end. It had pictures of his son all over it and his name and he held it up above his head the entire time...Just try to hold your arms out straight at your sides even for a few minutes...now imagine doing that for an hour. I just have to say, What an amazing man!
This week the Chilean Mine Workers were rescued from their cave (in case you were orbiting the planet the last week and haven't watched the news). I watched as much of the rescues as I could, it was so awesome and each one brought tears to my eyes. Why are you mentioning this you are wondering? The reason I am mentioning this is because this story was so amazing to me. These men were trapped for 2 months 1/2 mile underground living on nothing but a teaspoon of tuna, a pinched off piece of bread and water every two days. They had no idea whether they were going to be saved, whether anyone up above was even looking for them and the whole time they kept praying to God to save them. The whole time...in the darkest time of their lives they prayed and prayed and never gave up hope...and He answered their prayers. It really was a living miracle. When interviewed the miners said that there weren't 33 men down there, there were 34 and when the interviewer asked who the 34th person was they responded..."God is here. God is with us." How amazing is that? And when they were rescued it wasn't the hugs from wives or children that made me tear up...it was when their mothers would run up to them and grabbed them and kissed them. I would just start bawling. Why? Because they got what I never did...they got a miracle...their son's came back from the dead. These mothers were told that their sons were dead, that they couldn't find them, that there was no hope. Imagine that. You have been told that your son in dead. You have started making arrangements for memorial services, grieving his death, praying to God to bring him back....and then you get a call weeks later that says, he's alive and that he is going to be saved. These mothers got the call that I wanted....this week 33 mothers got their sons back...33 mothers' hearts weren't broken....33 mothers received a miracle.
This weekend we are going to spend some time with good friends of ours who live in Ft. Worth. They are getting married and we were unable to go to their bachelor/bachelorette festivities because of the pregnancy and its complications so we are going to try and make up for it with a fun weekend...and because we haven't seen this couple in a while and we always have such a good time with them :-).
We leave a week from tomorrow to go to Mexico...Alleluia! And to date I have lost 26lbs. and 26inches all over my body. So hopefully I won't get harpooned by any of the fishermen while I am laying on the beach!LOL.
Please pray for my grandma and aunt as they battle their cancers. My grandma has started her chemotherapy and it seems to be working. Unfortunately they say that she will have to go through this for the rest of her life. I just pray that she won't be in any pain and that she can handle it well enough to go into remission so she can at least have 6-8 months without treatments. I'm not ready to lose her yet God. Please don't take her yet.
Love, Me.
October 2nd was the Walk to Remember here in Dallas. This is put on by M.E.N.D (Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death). Essentially it is a ceremony and day of remembrance for all of the babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. We were told to bring any memorabilia of our children that we wanted and put them on display. I put together a scrapbook for Aidan and a shadow box that had his onesie in it, the envelope with the lock of his hair, the shell that Andrew used to baptize him, his little hat, his baby blanket, his hospital bracelet, a clay impression of his little hand and a couple of pictures of him. I'm so glad that those items aren't in a box anymore. It was a very emotional day. There were over 300 people there. Moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters all there to remember the little ones lost. Some wore T-shirts that had pictures of the babies, or had the names and birthdays of the babies on the back and then "Sam's Mommy" on the front or "Sam's Grandma". The T-shirts would bring me to tears in an instant, not so much because it was sad, but because it was so sweet that they were being remembered. Some people were remembering children that they lost in the 90's, some just months ago and some had several losses that they were remembering. That really got to me. In one part of the ceremony that they give you a Christmas ornament with your child's name on it and then they call your name and the name of your baby and you walk up and but the ornament on a tree. For example "Amanda and Andrew McCaffrey remembering Aidan Jackson, July 27th, 2010". Then we walked up and put his ornament on the tree. But some of the moms and dads had multiple losses, and not early miscarriages either, some had miscarriages, and multiple full term losses and even older child losses. That just broke my heart...but it also was inspiring because that meant that even as those parents endured loss after loss...they kept trying. They never gave up hope or faith that one day they would have a healthy baby, and for the majority of these parents they did. It was great to see all the little babies there. In the baby loss world the children that are born after a child's death are called "Rainbow Babies". There were so many little Rainbows there; some even had little shirts made that said "I'm mommy's rainbow" or "I'm Sam's little sister".
October 9th Andrew, Me and my best friend Bobbi and her daughter Emme did a 5k for Children's Medical Center. It was lots of fun (and I really needed the exercise) :-). There were several teams there who were running for a child who had died or better, who had lived, who had been saved by the Doctors and Nurses at CMC. There was one father of a little boy who died of childhood cancer at 2 and he held up a huge sign above his head for the entire 3.1 miles that he walked with his family. I have to elaborate here because it wasn't like a little poster board or anything, it was at least 4 feet long and had two big wooden sticks on the end. It had pictures of his son all over it and his name and he held it up above his head the entire time...Just try to hold your arms out straight at your sides even for a few minutes...now imagine doing that for an hour. I just have to say, What an amazing man!
This week the Chilean Mine Workers were rescued from their cave (in case you were orbiting the planet the last week and haven't watched the news). I watched as much of the rescues as I could, it was so awesome and each one brought tears to my eyes. Why are you mentioning this you are wondering? The reason I am mentioning this is because this story was so amazing to me. These men were trapped for 2 months 1/2 mile underground living on nothing but a teaspoon of tuna, a pinched off piece of bread and water every two days. They had no idea whether they were going to be saved, whether anyone up above was even looking for them and the whole time they kept praying to God to save them. The whole time...in the darkest time of their lives they prayed and prayed and never gave up hope...and He answered their prayers. It really was a living miracle. When interviewed the miners said that there weren't 33 men down there, there were 34 and when the interviewer asked who the 34th person was they responded..."God is here. God is with us." How amazing is that? And when they were rescued it wasn't the hugs from wives or children that made me tear up...it was when their mothers would run up to them and grabbed them and kissed them. I would just start bawling. Why? Because they got what I never did...they got a miracle...their son's came back from the dead. These mothers were told that their sons were dead, that they couldn't find them, that there was no hope. Imagine that. You have been told that your son in dead. You have started making arrangements for memorial services, grieving his death, praying to God to bring him back....and then you get a call weeks later that says, he's alive and that he is going to be saved. These mothers got the call that I wanted....this week 33 mothers got their sons back...33 mothers' hearts weren't broken....33 mothers received a miracle.
This weekend we are going to spend some time with good friends of ours who live in Ft. Worth. They are getting married and we were unable to go to their bachelor/bachelorette festivities because of the pregnancy and its complications so we are going to try and make up for it with a fun weekend...and because we haven't seen this couple in a while and we always have such a good time with them :-).
We leave a week from tomorrow to go to Mexico...Alleluia! And to date I have lost 26lbs. and 26inches all over my body. So hopefully I won't get harpooned by any of the fishermen while I am laying on the beach!LOL.
Please pray for my grandma and aunt as they battle their cancers. My grandma has started her chemotherapy and it seems to be working. Unfortunately they say that she will have to go through this for the rest of her life. I just pray that she won't be in any pain and that she can handle it well enough to go into remission so she can at least have 6-8 months without treatments. I'm not ready to lose her yet God. Please don't take her yet.
Love, Me.
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