Have you ever noticed how bad things happen in threes? It is a common theme in literature and in life....and so it is too with my life.
Last week my maternal grandmother went to the hospital because her chest was hurting her. Specifically her sternum and ribs. After many X-rays and bone scans it turned out that she had minor fractures in her sternum and had broken two ribs. My grandmother is in her seventies, has osteoporosis and fibromyalgia but otherwise is in great health. In fact my grandfather has the majority of the health problems (too many to name) so when I was told that grandma was in the hospital I was totally shocked.
Since bones don't normally break without serious provocation the doctors did several tests to check to see what could have caused her bones to be so weak. Essentially it could have been one of two things, one severe osteoporosis and the other bone cancer....I bet you can guess which one she was diagnosed with...yeah it turned out to be bone cancer. Andrew and I went to visit her this weekend (my grandparents live in Tulsa) and heard it from her doctor's mouth. She has Multiple Myeloma. It is treatable, but being that she is so advanced in years, I don't know if she will be able to survive the treatment options.
My grandma and I are very very close. She has been there for every major and minor event in my life. She was there when I was born, when I cheered at football games, when I graduated from High School, Law School, she was at my Wedding and she was there when Aidan was born. I spent every summer with her up until I was 13 or 14. She paid for me to study in Europe, I would never have met my husband if it weren't for her. I am just devastated that this is happening to her. She is such a wonderful woman and a devout Christian. Always strong always faithful.
You might be thinking, "Well, she is in her seventies and has lived a long life." This is true, but she has been in great health and the women in our family live at least in to their eighties. I thought she had at least 10+ more years!
"So, Amanda, you said bad things happen in threes....What is the third bad thing that happened?"....Hmm funny you should ask....Today I found out that my father has diabetes. Yep, type II diabetes. I can't say it was a total shock as my father is a fairly large man and does not eat very healthy, but his cholesterol is always good and his blood pressure is good and he doesn't have diabetes in his family. What really is troubling about this news is that I don't think my dad will change his eating habits even knowing the risk involved. I think he is addicted to food and I am so afraid that he won't have the self control or desire to want to change and then the disease will take over his body and he will miss out on years with the family and (hopefully one day) his grandchildren.
At this point I am just shocked...first Aidan, then my grandma and now my dad! I don't want to get all woe is me on you, but WTF!!! After Aidan died I was told by many people that it would get better; that eventually I will find happiness again....Well, I wish that it would get better already because we are going in the wrong direction people!!
I want you to know, I'm not blaming God for any of this, I'm just angry that this is happening to my family. I am going to continue to pray for help, strength and for my family's health and healing. I am going to pray and hope that it actually will get better....and soon!
Love, Me
Monday, August 30, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
4 Weeks Ago Today....
Four weeks ago I held you.
Four weeks ago I touched your soft skin.
Four weeks ago I kissed your chubby cheeks.
Four weeks ago I smelled your sweet smell.
Four weeks ago I felt the weight of you in my arms.
Four weeks ago I held your tiny hands and kissed your chubby feet.
Four weeks ago I studied every inch of you.
Four weeks ago I held heaven in my arms.
Four weeks ago we said goodbye.
My Precious Son,
I love you more than you could possibly know. Everyday I am without you is a day that my heart is in pieces. Daddy and I look at your pictures from the day you were born and still cannot believe that God sent something so beautiful and precious to us. We are so proud and lucky to be your Mommy and Daddy. You were so tiny and perfect; your tiny fingernails, your soft wispy hair, your perfect bow lips, your chubby cheeks and chin all made with such care and beauty. I hope you know how you changed my life. You softened my heart. You opened my eyes. You showed me what this life is all about my angel. You brought me a love I could have never understood before. You made me a Mom.
I ache for you my son. My arms ache to hold you. My heart aches to love you. My soul aches to be with you. I miss you so much.
I hope you are happy sweet boy. I hope you are playing and laughing with the other children in our Father's Kingdom. I hope our Blessed Mother is rocking you to sleep each night. I pray that you can feel my love in heaven. And I promise you baby, we'll be together again.
Loving you always,
Mommy
Four weeks ago I touched your soft skin.
Four weeks ago I kissed your chubby cheeks.
Four weeks ago I smelled your sweet smell.
Four weeks ago I felt the weight of you in my arms.
Four weeks ago I held your tiny hands and kissed your chubby feet.
Four weeks ago I studied every inch of you.
Four weeks ago I held heaven in my arms.
Four weeks ago we said goodbye.
My Precious Son,
I love you more than you could possibly know. Everyday I am without you is a day that my heart is in pieces. Daddy and I look at your pictures from the day you were born and still cannot believe that God sent something so beautiful and precious to us. We are so proud and lucky to be your Mommy and Daddy. You were so tiny and perfect; your tiny fingernails, your soft wispy hair, your perfect bow lips, your chubby cheeks and chin all made with such care and beauty. I hope you know how you changed my life. You softened my heart. You opened my eyes. You showed me what this life is all about my angel. You brought me a love I could have never understood before. You made me a Mom.
I ache for you my son. My arms ache to hold you. My heart aches to love you. My soul aches to be with you. I miss you so much.
I hope you are happy sweet boy. I hope you are playing and laughing with the other children in our Father's Kingdom. I hope our Blessed Mother is rocking you to sleep each night. I pray that you can feel my love in heaven. And I promise you baby, we'll be together again.
Loving you always,
Mommy
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My Fat Ass, God and Choosing the Future
If I trail off and sound like I am a rambling crazy person it's because I just got back from walk/jogging outside. This doesn't sound like much of a feat, but when you have an extra 30 lbs. on your body and you live in Texas where it has been over 100 degrees for the last 10 days and you went jogging around noon...Yeah I'm surprised I didn't pass out too!
I am determined to fit into my old clothes! Andrew is very supportive and tells me not to be too hard on myself because I only gave birth 3 weeks ago, but what I'm afraid of is when that turns into 3 months then 6 months...then eventually (hopefully) we get pregnant again and I gain more weight. Please Jesus, don't let me be childless and FAT! But at least my weight is something that I can sort of control. I am learning more and more that I have very little control over what happens in my life. And this is an issue for me because I am somewhat of a control freak...Ok Ok, a major control freak.
I knew very early on that I wanted to be an attorney so I went to school and got good grades and graduated from law school and became an attorney. I also knew that I wanted to be married and have children before I turned 30. Thankfully I met my wonderful husband in law school and we easily became pregnant. Everything was going to 'plan'. Yep, life was pretty close to perfect...Until June 4th when we were informed that our precious son would not be coming home...I remember thinking "This can't be happening...This doesn't happen to us, it happens to other people...This isn't right....What about my plan?" It was then that I was slapped in the face with reality...with the truth...the truth is, no matter how much you try to have control of your life, your future, no matter how much you try and 'plan' the truth is we are not the ones in control. The only one who has any measure of control in this life, our lives, is God.
But that is not to say that everything that happens in this world is because God makes it happen or everything that happens in this world is God's will. I hate it when people say "It's God's Will" about my son dying. To this day as I smile and nod in response to that comment I think to myself..."What a load of Bullshit!". If that were true my baby wouldn't have died, millions of people wouldn't be dying of AIDS, there wouldn't be mass genocide and I wouldn't have to wait so long in line at Starbucks for my Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte. :) . If everything that happens in this world is God's will (death, rape, murder, pain) I don't think I would want to praise such a God. I discussed this with my priest not too long after Aidan was diagnosed and I loved what he said..."If I thought that things like this [Aidan's impending death] were God's will I wouldn't be doing this, I'd be out selling cars."
I've been reading several grieving books and books on just putting your life back together after a tragedy. And pretty much everyone says a myriad of different things...God is in control, but he doesn't control everything. He has a plan for each of our lives, but sometimes our lives get off track from that plan because of the choices we make. God doesn't cause death or pain or use such things to punish, but He will bring you back to praise Him no matter what the cost especially if you have made other things in your life your focus rather than Him. God doesn't send good things your way if you praise Him and do 'good', but if you don't lead your life with a focus on Him you will be punished...So what does it all mean?
Yeah, I don't know either. I do know this, I can't imagine God taking my son away from me just to bring me closer to Him. And I don't believe that God has 'punished' me by taking my son from me because my focus was wanting children and a family. But other than that I just don't know. I do not pretend to have any idea how God works, and I don't think any one of us truly knows. Sure, we have the bible to give us some inkling of limited human understanding of God, and about a gazillion books, essays, treatises, articles and encyclicals on man's interpretation of God, but none of us really know. And I think it's kind of presumptuous for us as humans to even try to assume that we can understand God and his workings. It's like that movie 'Defending Your Life' we are 'little brains' we just aren't meant to understand such things.
Wow, how did I get from complaining about my fat ass to understanding God? It's a good thing no one reads this crap. LOL.
Another reason I am desperate to lose these extra LB's is because Andrew and I booked a trip to Cancun for the last week in October. I remember when I was still pregnant with Aidan I had read on some other blogs about mom's who had lost their children and had planned a vacation a few months after. I remember thinking how can they do that? But now I totally 'get it'. You just need a break. A break from the tears, from the grief. A break from neighbor's pity looks because you used to have a huge baby belly and now its gone and there is no baby in your arms. A break from people asking you "are you ok?" like you are a moment away from choking down a bottle of pills. You just need to get away and be with your husband and just have some sniff of what 'normal' used to be like...And it gives you something to look forward to.
I am trying to think to the future and to be more future focused. I want to look forward to things like Cancun or dinner with friends or more children instead of focusing constantly on the fact that my son is gone. I can't change that Aidan is in heaven (no matter how much I wish that I could), but what I can do is change how I let his absence affect my life. I want to celebrate Aidan and his life in everything I do. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to look down and see that his parents love each other. I want him to look down and see his brothers and sisters. I want him to look down and laugh and smile and be happy and proud of his family....and that will not happen if all I do is cry and lay in bed all day (which is what I want to do about 60% of the time). I am choosing to get out of bed. I am choosing to smile and not feel guilty. I am choosing to laugh at a funny joke. I am choosing to praise God even though I don't know his plan for my life or my future. And yes, sometimes those choices are hard; it would be easier not to do any of it. But I want to honor my son and my God.
And now I will sign off because I'm exhausted and need to do some scrapbooking :)
Love, Me.
I am determined to fit into my old clothes! Andrew is very supportive and tells me not to be too hard on myself because I only gave birth 3 weeks ago, but what I'm afraid of is when that turns into 3 months then 6 months...then eventually (hopefully) we get pregnant again and I gain more weight. Please Jesus, don't let me be childless and FAT! But at least my weight is something that I can sort of control. I am learning more and more that I have very little control over what happens in my life. And this is an issue for me because I am somewhat of a control freak...Ok Ok, a major control freak.
I knew very early on that I wanted to be an attorney so I went to school and got good grades and graduated from law school and became an attorney. I also knew that I wanted to be married and have children before I turned 30. Thankfully I met my wonderful husband in law school and we easily became pregnant. Everything was going to 'plan'. Yep, life was pretty close to perfect...Until June 4th when we were informed that our precious son would not be coming home...I remember thinking "This can't be happening...This doesn't happen to us, it happens to other people...This isn't right....What about my plan?" It was then that I was slapped in the face with reality...with the truth...the truth is, no matter how much you try to have control of your life, your future, no matter how much you try and 'plan' the truth is we are not the ones in control. The only one who has any measure of control in this life, our lives, is God.
But that is not to say that everything that happens in this world is because God makes it happen or everything that happens in this world is God's will. I hate it when people say "It's God's Will" about my son dying. To this day as I smile and nod in response to that comment I think to myself..."What a load of Bullshit!". If that were true my baby wouldn't have died, millions of people wouldn't be dying of AIDS, there wouldn't be mass genocide and I wouldn't have to wait so long in line at Starbucks for my Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte. :) . If everything that happens in this world is God's will (death, rape, murder, pain) I don't think I would want to praise such a God. I discussed this with my priest not too long after Aidan was diagnosed and I loved what he said..."If I thought that things like this [Aidan's impending death] were God's will I wouldn't be doing this, I'd be out selling cars."
I've been reading several grieving books and books on just putting your life back together after a tragedy. And pretty much everyone says a myriad of different things...God is in control, but he doesn't control everything. He has a plan for each of our lives, but sometimes our lives get off track from that plan because of the choices we make. God doesn't cause death or pain or use such things to punish, but He will bring you back to praise Him no matter what the cost especially if you have made other things in your life your focus rather than Him. God doesn't send good things your way if you praise Him and do 'good', but if you don't lead your life with a focus on Him you will be punished...So what does it all mean?
Yeah, I don't know either. I do know this, I can't imagine God taking my son away from me just to bring me closer to Him. And I don't believe that God has 'punished' me by taking my son from me because my focus was wanting children and a family. But other than that I just don't know. I do not pretend to have any idea how God works, and I don't think any one of us truly knows. Sure, we have the bible to give us some inkling of limited human understanding of God, and about a gazillion books, essays, treatises, articles and encyclicals on man's interpretation of God, but none of us really know. And I think it's kind of presumptuous for us as humans to even try to assume that we can understand God and his workings. It's like that movie 'Defending Your Life' we are 'little brains' we just aren't meant to understand such things.
Wow, how did I get from complaining about my fat ass to understanding God? It's a good thing no one reads this crap. LOL.
Another reason I am desperate to lose these extra LB's is because Andrew and I booked a trip to Cancun for the last week in October. I remember when I was still pregnant with Aidan I had read on some other blogs about mom's who had lost their children and had planned a vacation a few months after. I remember thinking how can they do that? But now I totally 'get it'. You just need a break. A break from the tears, from the grief. A break from neighbor's pity looks because you used to have a huge baby belly and now its gone and there is no baby in your arms. A break from people asking you "are you ok?" like you are a moment away from choking down a bottle of pills. You just need to get away and be with your husband and just have some sniff of what 'normal' used to be like...And it gives you something to look forward to.
I am trying to think to the future and to be more future focused. I want to look forward to things like Cancun or dinner with friends or more children instead of focusing constantly on the fact that my son is gone. I can't change that Aidan is in heaven (no matter how much I wish that I could), but what I can do is change how I let his absence affect my life. I want to celebrate Aidan and his life in everything I do. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to look down and see that his parents love each other. I want him to look down and see his brothers and sisters. I want him to look down and laugh and smile and be happy and proud of his family....and that will not happen if all I do is cry and lay in bed all day (which is what I want to do about 60% of the time). I am choosing to get out of bed. I am choosing to smile and not feel guilty. I am choosing to laugh at a funny joke. I am choosing to praise God even though I don't know his plan for my life or my future. And yes, sometimes those choices are hard; it would be easier not to do any of it. But I want to honor my son and my God.
And now I will sign off because I'm exhausted and need to do some scrapbooking :)
Love, Me.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Accounting of the Day...
Today was a pretty busy day for me and Andrew. We got up and decided to go to the 9:00 a.m. mass at our church. This is not that early you say, well no it's not, but we live fairly far away from our church so we have to get up at 7:00. On a weekend...Ugh! We got up showered etc. and to our amazement traffic was practically non-existent which is rare for Dallas, we actually got to church almost 30 min. early!
After church we went out to visit Aidan. We have made this a tradition each Sunday...Church, then visit Aidan's grave, then lunch, then either nap or errands. Each time that we visit Aidan we bring a children's book from his library and read it to him. When Aidan died I asked friends and family to send us children's books instead of flowers and to inscribe them to Aidan. I got the idea from a blog of another mother who lost her son. We have received several books and we love all of them, especially ones where they have written a little message or prayer or scripture to Aidan. I am eventually going to go out and buy bookcases and a comfy chair and ottoman for the corner of our game room so that I can build an actual library for Aidan's books. I'm thinking of calling it Aidan's Alley or Aidan's Reading Corner or something cute. I want to make it really comfy so that Andrew and I can go up there and read and think of him and then when (hopefully one day) his brothers and sisters come along they can read there too and know about their brother Aidan who is watching over them in heaven. :-)
I love visiting Aidan. I know that only his body is buried, that his soul is in heaven with Jesus, but for some reason I find peace and comfort after I've visited...even if it only lasts for a short while. Andrew and I read the book we bring and we talk to him and tell him about what we've been doing, about his furry brother Willie and about how much we miss him and love him. Today was hard for me. I cry every time we visit, but some days are harder than others...as it is with grief. Today's visit was one of those days. I just miss him so much...and sometimes something will hit me that will make the hurt worse. Today it was the other markers out near him....I know that I am not the first and will not be the last to lose their baby, but when I think of other parents going through this it breaks my heart. Out near Aidan there are headstones for babies dating back to the 1950's. All these babies that should be 5, 14, 25, 34 even 53 years old and for all these babies there remain broken hearts of parents that long to be with them, that have missed out on so many memories, that have always known that at each family dinner, every thanksgiving, every Christmas, every Easter, every mother's day...there is always someone missing at the table. And when I thought about this today I realized....that is going to be me and Andrew. No matter how many more kids we have...Aidan will always be missing, our future (hopefully) children will have a big brother that they will never know...every year that goes by we will think...I wonder what Aidan would look like now...he would be walking now...he would be starting school this year...he would be driving this year...he should be here this Christmas, this thanksgiving...he should be with us. So all this was rushing through my mind and I just couldn't help but cry my eyes out. I haven't cried that hard for a few days, but you can only put off the hurt for so long and then it catches up with you and you just have to let it out. I know the hurt will never stop....but I am looking forward to the day that it won't hurt this much.
After we went to visit Aidan we ate breakfast, came home to change clothes, went to pick up some pictures that we had developed, went to Michael's and then to Barnes and Noble. Since I have some time off work I am doing a few projects to keep me busy. One thing I am doing is to create a wall of pictures in my house, actually in a few areas of my house. Another thing I am doing is 2 scrapbooks, one for Aidan and one for our honeymoon. So the trips to get the pictures and to Michael's were very productive. We went to Barnes and Noble initially so that I could meet a woman off of Craigslist and buy some work-out DVDs...yes I know this is random, but I need something to jump start losing this baby weight. I loved being pregnant and everything about giving birth and holding my Aidan. I wouldn't change anything. But now since I don't have a baby in my arms, and I have an extra 30lbs on my body I either look like (A) A Fat Person, or (B) A Woman who is only 18 weeks pregnant....I can't decide which is worse at this point. So, I need to get this weight off...and I know with my luck by the time I finally get it all off Andrew and I will probably be ready to start trying for another baby...isn't that always how it is? Anyway, the gal with the exercise videos never showed up! Grrrr! And since we were meeting at a Barnes and Noble I figured I would use that time to buy some more grieving books....I think these will be books 6 and 7...yes I so far have read 5 other books on grief after losing a baby. I have always been sort of neurotic and majorly type A. Maybe I subconsciously think that if I read enough books on grief and loss this will somehow get easier or that one of these books will hold the key to moving on? Possibly, but I know the reality is that only the passage of time will alleviate the hurt to a manageable level.
So that was my day. I feel like I was very productive actually and I'm kind of proud....it's the little victories.
Love, Me.
After church we went out to visit Aidan. We have made this a tradition each Sunday...Church, then visit Aidan's grave, then lunch, then either nap or errands. Each time that we visit Aidan we bring a children's book from his library and read it to him. When Aidan died I asked friends and family to send us children's books instead of flowers and to inscribe them to Aidan. I got the idea from a blog of another mother who lost her son. We have received several books and we love all of them, especially ones where they have written a little message or prayer or scripture to Aidan. I am eventually going to go out and buy bookcases and a comfy chair and ottoman for the corner of our game room so that I can build an actual library for Aidan's books. I'm thinking of calling it Aidan's Alley or Aidan's Reading Corner or something cute. I want to make it really comfy so that Andrew and I can go up there and read and think of him and then when (hopefully one day) his brothers and sisters come along they can read there too and know about their brother Aidan who is watching over them in heaven. :-)
I love visiting Aidan. I know that only his body is buried, that his soul is in heaven with Jesus, but for some reason I find peace and comfort after I've visited...even if it only lasts for a short while. Andrew and I read the book we bring and we talk to him and tell him about what we've been doing, about his furry brother Willie and about how much we miss him and love him. Today was hard for me. I cry every time we visit, but some days are harder than others...as it is with grief. Today's visit was one of those days. I just miss him so much...and sometimes something will hit me that will make the hurt worse. Today it was the other markers out near him....I know that I am not the first and will not be the last to lose their baby, but when I think of other parents going through this it breaks my heart. Out near Aidan there are headstones for babies dating back to the 1950's. All these babies that should be 5, 14, 25, 34 even 53 years old and for all these babies there remain broken hearts of parents that long to be with them, that have missed out on so many memories, that have always known that at each family dinner, every thanksgiving, every Christmas, every Easter, every mother's day...there is always someone missing at the table. And when I thought about this today I realized....that is going to be me and Andrew. No matter how many more kids we have...Aidan will always be missing, our future (hopefully) children will have a big brother that they will never know...every year that goes by we will think...I wonder what Aidan would look like now...he would be walking now...he would be starting school this year...he would be driving this year...he should be here this Christmas, this thanksgiving...he should be with us. So all this was rushing through my mind and I just couldn't help but cry my eyes out. I haven't cried that hard for a few days, but you can only put off the hurt for so long and then it catches up with you and you just have to let it out. I know the hurt will never stop....but I am looking forward to the day that it won't hurt this much.
After we went to visit Aidan we ate breakfast, came home to change clothes, went to pick up some pictures that we had developed, went to Michael's and then to Barnes and Noble. Since I have some time off work I am doing a few projects to keep me busy. One thing I am doing is to create a wall of pictures in my house, actually in a few areas of my house. Another thing I am doing is 2 scrapbooks, one for Aidan and one for our honeymoon. So the trips to get the pictures and to Michael's were very productive. We went to Barnes and Noble initially so that I could meet a woman off of Craigslist and buy some work-out DVDs...yes I know this is random, but I need something to jump start losing this baby weight. I loved being pregnant and everything about giving birth and holding my Aidan. I wouldn't change anything. But now since I don't have a baby in my arms, and I have an extra 30lbs on my body I either look like (A) A Fat Person, or (B) A Woman who is only 18 weeks pregnant....I can't decide which is worse at this point. So, I need to get this weight off...and I know with my luck by the time I finally get it all off Andrew and I will probably be ready to start trying for another baby...isn't that always how it is? Anyway, the gal with the exercise videos never showed up! Grrrr! And since we were meeting at a Barnes and Noble I figured I would use that time to buy some more grieving books....I think these will be books 6 and 7...yes I so far have read 5 other books on grief after losing a baby. I have always been sort of neurotic and majorly type A. Maybe I subconsciously think that if I read enough books on grief and loss this will somehow get easier or that one of these books will hold the key to moving on? Possibly, but I know the reality is that only the passage of time will alleviate the hurt to a manageable level.
So that was my day. I feel like I was very productive actually and I'm kind of proud....it's the little victories.
Love, Me.
Friday, August 13, 2010
The Beginning....
If you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn't notice that I'm different than you. In fact you would probably pass me without saying a word...You wouldn't know the scars that I have, you wouldn't know my heart is missing, you wouldn't know that only 11 days ago I buried my son.
I am starting this blog now, in the midst of my grief to hopefully assist me in my journey to...the other side? my 'new normal'? happiness?....or whereever I'll end up. So now that I'm in the middle I have to go back to the beginning and explain how I got here...so bear with me.
This journey started, I would have to say, when I met my husband, Andrew. We met the summer of 2004 in Edinburgh Scotland and then fell in love in Dublin Ireland. (I know, a little random). We were both studying international law. I was a student in my first year and he was my T.A. about to graduate. :) From then on we were inseparable. We did everything together, traveled to other countries together, ate and drank and talked about everything. We were immediate best friends; it was like I had known him for years. As it turned out he was from St. Louis and had gone to the same law school, but we had never actually met until then. When the summer ended, I think both of us thought our summer romance was going to end as well, but when he came and visited me right before school started we decided that we were going to try and make this work....Fast forward through 2 years of long distance, a few bar exams, desperately trying to find jobs, unemployment, then underemployment, me converting to Catholicism and finally arriving 5 years later at our wedding. We were married in Dallas, Texas on May 23, 2009. We were so blissfully happy...It's hard to believe that was only 15 months ago.
In December of 2009 Andrew and I started to talk about starting our family. We had discussed it a little in the past, but as we were driving home from his parent's house in St. Louis after Christmas of last year we decided that we were ready and we would just not use protection and "see what happened"....What happens is that you get pregnant! :) We got pregnant on our first "try". We found out January of this year that we were expecting; our baby was due September 20th. I think we were both in shock at first. We didn't think it would be so immediate, so after the shock wore off, probably around the time I stopped being horribly nauseous all the time, we were unbelievably excited. We were going to be parents. We didn't care whether we would have a boy or a girl. This was our first and all we wanted was a healthy baby. Immediately I started thinking about all the things that we would do. Andrew and I would talk about different names we liked, and went though the "next years"...."This next year at Christmas we'll have a 3 month old!....Next year on your birthday we'll have a 9 month old!". At 12 weeks we went to a perinatologist for an NT test which measures the fat on the back of the baby's neck and can determine (or give a good indication) as to whether there are any birth defects....and they can give a good indication as to the sex of the baby. I wish I could say that the reason we wanted the NT test was to prepare ourselves for any birth defects, but really it was so that I could get a jump start on planning the nursery...pink or blue! The NT test came back 95% normal and more importantly we found out we would be having a boy!...our Aidan Jackson. I came out of that appointment floating on a cloud...I was going to have a son!
We were so excited, so happy. I had never been so happy in my life. We knew that the sex prediction at our test was not 100% accurate, we would find that out at our 24 week ultrasound at our OB, but I knew it was a boy...I remember telling Andrew that I knew it was a boy even at 9 weeks. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I was horribly anxious about the ultrasound coming up...I was so excited, but was really concerned about having to take back all the boy stuff I had bought for the nursery in case our perinatologist (and me) were wrong and I was having a girl. I was also kind of irritated that I had to wait 24 weeks. Most women go in between 18-20, but my OB had a different policy so I just went with it and tried to be patient....which is definitely not one of my virtues. :) ...Really, taking back baby clothes was the only thing I was concerned about...I was so blissfully happy it never even crossed my mind that something could go wrong. I always thought that once you made it out of the first trimester (12 weeks) everything would be fine...birth defects are so rare, we are young, things like that don't happen to us....Right?
The day finally came for our 24 week ultrasound, June 3rd. We were so excited. It was scheduled in the afternoon so I left work early and came home so that Andrew and I could go to the appointment together. I couldn't wait to see my boy, his hands and feet and profile....I even grabbed a scoop of ice cream and put it in a cup to eat on the way over because I wanted him to be active and kicking up a storm on the screen. I didn't have to wait long and we were brought in to the ultrasound room. Andrew sat right next to me and held my hand as the nurse put the ultrasound goo on my belly. This moment was the last moment of innocence. What was to happen next would change my life forever...Below is a letter that Andrew wrote to our friends and family to let them know what was going on...what happened...
"To our loved ones:
As you all know by this time, the last 72 hours hours have been the most devastating hours of Mandy and my lives. Right now everything is a struggle for us, so please know that the reason that I have been unable to talk to each of you personally is not because we don't want to talk to you, it just too painful and hard.
On Thursday, Mandy and I went in for our 24 week ultrasound with our OB/GYN. The ultrasound showed what appeared to be low amniotic fluid although the scans indicated that there might be perfectly normal pockets. As a result, our OB referred us to get a more detailed scan at our peri-natologist.
On Friday, Mandy and I went in to our Perinatologist's office. The first things that we heard were wonderful, everything looked healthy as far as measurements of the brain, skeletal, heart, etc. When the Doctor checked for amniotic fluid, however, there was absolutely none. Furthermore, there were a number of cysts over both of Aidan's kidneys which simply put never formed properly and, thus, could not produce the amniotic fluid necessary for the life sustaining growth all babies need while in the womb. The diagnosis was bilateral multicystic dysplastic kidneys due to bilateral uteral vesical obstruction. The prognosis we were given was every parents worse nightmare, there is virtually no chance that Aidan will survive when he is born. The initial diagnosis is only made more problematic because of all the complications associated with lack of amniotic fluid--we could lose our angel while he is still inside Mandy if his umbilical cord becomes compressed or we could lose him at birth because babies need amniotic fluid in order for their lungs to form.
Later on Friday, Mandy and I went to Presbyterian Plano Hospital for additional monitoring and to discuss any possibilities that might help--whether saline infusion would help (it won't because ultimately Aidan's kidneys can't process it to make amniotic fluid, so he would just drink it and absorb it. Plus the risk to Mandy would be enormous as she would have to be injected everyday and the benefit would be non-existent). So we went home and cried ourselves to sleep.
Saturday, our friends Georgina and her husband Dr. John, down in Houston put us in contact with neo-natal specialists at Texas Children's Hospital. Nurses and doctors alike were calling us from their homes on a weekend, taking information and discussing whether our hopes that neo-natal surgery could repair the problem. Unfortunately, because of the nature of Aidan's problems there is nothing that these incredibly kind people could do for us. I will never forget the compassion that the nurses and doctors showed to Mandy and me, two people that they have never even met.
The neo-natal nephrologist (kidney doctor) talked with us for a long time, and he is still going to take a second look at everything when we send it to him tomorrow, but what he told us was different than what our OB and perinatologist told us. In his experience only about 10% of these babies die while in the womb. In most instances mothers carry these children to full term.
So that is where we are now, Mandy and I are just heartbroken. We know that at some time in the future our sweet Aidan will be born and that he will live for a very short time, whether it is seconds, minutes, hours or more, we just don't know, but Aidan will not survive to bring back to the loving home that we have been building for him. When Aidan comes, we will hold him in our arms until God calls him home. We hope to have him baptized at the hospital if he survives birth and will be talking to Fr. John, the priest who married Mandy and I. Thankfully, the Church allows lay baptism in these types of situations and if Fr. John cannot make it in time, I will baptize him myself in God's name. Mandy and I are planning to have a memorial service or funeral service (I don't know how that works yet). We will bury our son close by so that to the end of our lives we can celebrate the life of our son Aidan who has brought so much joy to our lives these past few months. We ask that you all come to be with us when the time comes, we are only planning on having immediate family or those who have become like family to us like--trust your judgment or run it by me if you aren't sure.
Please pray for us, we are begging for God's grace to ease our unending pain. Until then we are taking everything one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
With all of our love,
Andy and Mandy"
It breaks my heart to read even now...After that day Andrew and I decided that no matter what we would continue to carry Aidan for as long as my body and his body would let me, that we would not be the ones to take his life (as this was provided as an option), that this was all up to God. We decided that we were going to celebrate his life while we had him. He was still alive kicking around inside me. He could hear us and feel us. We were not going to give up on him.
We talked to him, read to him, prayed with him. We laughed and I ate just about whatever I wanted. We found out what he liked and didn't like. We talked to him about what the world was like, what his grandparents were like, how mommy and daddy met, stories about our families from when we were growing up. We took him to a Cardinals baseball game (both Andrew and Aidan are huge fans). We took him to the beach. We had to squeeze a lifetime of memories into however long God gave us...And all this time we prayed for a miracle, we prayed that God would save him.
During our time with Aidan I researched everything I could about his diagnosis, trying to find a cure, a procedure, anything. Everything I came across said 'fatal' or 'incompatible with life'. As time went on Andrew and I decided that we had to create a birth plan. We were told by everyone that Aidan would most likely be born alive but we had to decided when, how, what we wanted to be performed on Aidan, how aggressive would medical intervention be, etc. I cannot tell you how difficult it is to chose a date to give birth to your child, knowing that date is not only his birthday, but also the day that he will die. We decided to have our birth plan reviewed by someone. We sent it to a woman named Karen Moise, who was a nurse and coincidentally the wife to the neo-natal expert that had reviewed our case immediately after we received Aidan's diagnosis. Having been in Houston already for the Cardinals game, we met with her in person to discuss our birth plan. She suggested coming down to have one of the doctors in the fetal medicine group give a second opinion and do an ultrasound. We came back for the appointment two weeks later, July 23rd, and after lots of scans of Aidan, me and even Andrew's kidneys the diagnosis was the same. There was nothing we could do to save Aidan...and worse we discovered that Aidan's heart was fibrillating...my son was dying. The doctors told us to call our OB on the way home to make an appointment for that Monday because they didn't think that Aidan would make it through the weekend. I was heartbroken. I wanted so much to see my son alive, but I didn't want him to suffer either. I trusted God that he would take him when it was time. On July 26th we went in to see my OB. I had felt movement that weekend and even that morning, I knew he was still with us, and he was. My little fighter was still hanging on, but his poor heart was still fibrillating. My OB was so surprised that he had made it through the weekend....I couldn't help but be proud.
On July 27th I woke up to contractions at 2 a.m. At first I didn't know what they were, but as they increased and became more painful I knew....I was in labor. At this point Aidan was 32 weeks and 1 day. We rushed to the hospital...my Aidan was on his way. I still hoped to see him alive, to hear a cry, even now I still prayed and thought maybe God would save him, but God called him home a couple of hours before I started pushing. I was told that Aidan had passed while I was pushing. My OB looked at me and kindly said..."Amanda, He's already passed." I immediately looked at Andrew and saw the tears in his eyes as he said..."He's gone baby."....and even still my heart hoped. When I finally pushed him out I still hoped to hear baby cries, I still strained to hear my son call out to me..but it was nothing but silence. My sweet precious angel was gone. He was with our Savior.
Aidan was born at 3:40 p.m. weighing 5lbs. 1oz and measuring 17inches. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. July 27th was the best and worst day of my life. Even now I look back on that day and think about his little hands and feet, his chubby chin and arms and my heart jumps. I love him so much....
"Dear Family and Friends,
My son Aidan Jackson was born sleeping yesterday Tuesday July 27th at 3:40 pm at 32 weeks and 1 day. He was 5 lbs 1 oz and 17 inches long. He was perfect and beautiful. The doctors said that he might have deformities because of the lack of fluid, they were wrong. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.
I went into labor late Monday night/Tuesday morning and had contractions from 2 am - 7 am then we decided to go to the hospital. Aidan was coming early. Aidan means "little fiery one" and my little firecracker was going to come into this world on his own terms. My brave little angel. I had a vaginal delivery even though he was breached. He passed away during the last hours of labor before I started pushing, his little heart had already been fibrillating for days before and it just couldn't handle the pressure of labor. Although he did hang on for the first few hours because I could feel him kick and move inside me. He was such a little fighter!
He was exactly my Andrew and me. He had Andrew's eyes and eyebrows, his olive skin, his big feet, face shape and long body. He had a full head of dark hair like I did when I was born, he had a little overbite and a callus on this thumb (a thumb sucker in the womb like his mommy), he had is mommy's toes (his second toe was longer than his big toe, but only on one foot), and tiny hands like his mommy and he had his grandpa's nose (my father's nose). He was the most perfect thing I have ever seen in my entire life!
NILMDTS photographers came and took pictures shortly after he was born, then all the family came in to be with him. My parents, grandparents, brother, uncle, my best friend Bobbi...all the most important people in my life were there with me to celebrate my beautiful son. It was the worst and best day of my life. I held him for 7 hours before we said goodbye because he had turned cold and his little hands and appendages started to show signs of death. I just couldn't bare the thought of seeing his little body deteriorate in front of me.
For those 7 hours we hugged him and kissed him and sang to him. We prayed with him and Andrew baptized him. We bathed and diapered him and put baby lotion all over his soft skin. We dressed him and swaddled him. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I loved feeling the weight of him in my arms. He was made for my arms, he fit so perfectly. I kept talking to him and kissing him and rubbing his little head; he had the softest most beautiful hair and the most adorable full lips. I can't tell you how beautiful he was! The moment he was placed in my arms I fell in love. I never knew that I could love anyone or anything as much as I love him. I can't even describe it in words. Its a pure, unconditional, all consuming self-sacrificing kind of love. Its the love of a mother.
Finally we had to say our final goodbyes, and of all the labor pains, and needles and blood and pushing and pulling and everything that I went through yesterday this was the hardest thing that I had to do. It was the hardest thing to have to hand my precious son over to the nurse and watch her take him out of the room, out of our lives forever. When she left I started screaming and crying. I had to use all my strength not to jump out of my bed and chase her down like a crazed woman. I wanted him back. I wanted him with me. I wanted a lifetime.
I know that my Aidan is with Jesus. I know he is safe and loved and I know I will see him again. I know that he is happy and perfect and he will be looking down on us, watching his mommy and daddy. He will never really be gone, we will always have him in our hearts and in our minds forever. We will still continue to talk to him and pray for him. He will always be my son, my first born child, my Aidan. Yesterday at around 7 pm while we were holding Aidan and after my parents left and the day nurse we had went home there were rainbows reported everywhere. I got texted a picture from Bobbi of a complete beautiful rainbow. A double rainbow was reported above my parents house and our nurse reported that she saw one yesterday when she went home. She said it was the most beautiful rainbow she had ever seen, that you could see every color and it was complete from end to end.
Rainbows are a symbol that God is with us, that he will not forsake us, it's God's promise of God's mercy and of the covenant that he has with us all. I think Aidan sent that rainbow to us! My sweet precious angel.
He left this world on his terms. By coming early my little fighter saved me from having a C-section. Ever since we found out about his diagnosis we prayed for a miracle...and yesterday we got one. We held our miracle for 7 beautiful hours. Aidan WAS the miracle we prayed for and He answered our prayers.
Thank you for praying for us these past few weeks, for your kind words/emails/texts. Andrew and I are so blessed to have such a great network of support. I thank God for all of you.
Love,
Mandy, Wife to Andrew, Mommy to Aidan."
We had a memorial service for Aidan on August 2nd. It was beautiful. It was the hottest day of the year...my little fiery one...Mommy loves you so much.
"Yesterday August 2nd I buried my son Aidan Jackson. We had a church service. We had a closed casket because we thought it would upset people to see a baby lying in a casket. The day before we went to the funeral home to say our last goodbyes. He looked beautiful in his christening gown my mom had ordered for him from Ireland. It fit him so well. It was made of white silk and was trimmed in blue around the bottom and around his bonnet. He was wearing our cross and he had little blue booties on his feet. He looked beautiful and the exact same as he did when the nurse took him from my arms.
We had his service in the same church where my husband and I were married not more than 14 months ago. The same church where we prayed to Mary to intercede on our behalf for a child. The same church where our family started. I didn't think that many people would come, I thought it would be just family. We didn't publish anything in the paper, I just posted about it on facebook and my mom told people when/where it was going to be. My husband and I arrived first before anyone else, even my parents. Our son's casket was already at the front of the church. We had brought a couple of pictures of him that we had blown up and they were next to him at the alter. I cried and kissed the top of the casket where I knew my baby's head lay. Throughout the service I just stared at the picture of him and at the casket. I whispered out loud to talk to him to remind him of the promises I made to him. Then it was time for my husband and I to speak. I know normally the parents do not do this, or that it is very difficult for them to do, but I knew that if I didn't speak I would regret it for the rest of my life. When I got up and walked up to the pulpit. I looked out and couldn't believe how many people were there. People I hadn't seen since High School, people I hadn't seen for years! There were over 100 people there, for my son who never drew a breath on this earth. He had touched so many lives. It made me that much more proud to be Aidan's mother.
I poured my heart out on the pulpit. I spoke about my pregnancy, about all the things we did with Aidan. About who he was, about his personality, about how he changed my life and my husband's life, about how he touched people and brought them closer to God, about how my son changed the world. I am so glad that I spoke. I know my Aidan heard me and he was proud.
After the service we all drove out to the cemetery and the priest followed. We had a singer accompanied by an acoustic guitar. Her voice was of an angel. She sang "I Will Carry You" (male version), "Be Still My Soul" and "What A Friend We Have In Jesus". The priest blessed his casket and his grave and we all prayed over him. I was given a crucifix that laid on top of his casket. We have a wall in our house of crosses that we collect on our travels together, we have one from Ireland, one from St. Lucia (honeymoon), one that I purchased for Andrew for our wedding, one from Mexico, one from California, one from Houston...Aidan's cross now hangs there too.
I watched them lower his casket into the ground. I watched them lock his vault. I wanted to watch them put in the first few shovels of dirt, but my husband couldn't bear to watch so we left then.
We left and went to my parents house where they had a reception with food and pictures of the day of Aidan's birth everywhere. My mother bought a cake with a Rainbow on it. Which was very symbolic of the day I had Aidan. The day I gave birth to Aidan I was sent pictures of Rainbows that were seen all over town. On that day it rained as the Angels cried and then the sun came out and a beautiful rainbow was shown throughout the sky..."And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: 13I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. 16When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." Gen. 9:11-17. I believe that Aidan asked God to send us those Rainbows to let us know that he is with our Jesus in His kingdom; that he is alive and well that he is safe in our Saviors arms."
My best friend put together a slide show to music for us; it had pictures of us throughout my pregnancy all the way to the day he was born. In the video she included words from the letter that I had written to my friends about the day he was born. It is so special to me. I can't wait to get an actual DVD version that I can have for my own. I have been watching this video over and over. I love it.
Here is the link to view it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypk0P962JBM
This Tuesday we received all of Aidan's test results back from his birth. We had his chromosomes tested and an autopsy on his kidneys performed. Everything came back as expected. My son was a completely normal baby boy with a blockage between the bladder and the urethra which caused a back up of urine in his kidneys which then caused kidney failure and then caused hypoplastic lungs. The blockage occurring was just a 'fluke', is not genetic and is not likely to happen again. My OB said it was like getting "struck by lightening". Actually I think the odds of getting struck by lightening are better than the odds of this happening to Aidan (1/10,000 chance)....(I feel like I have won some kind of backwards screwed up lottery...of all the numbers in the jar...how did mine get picked?) So there it is...My son was normal, healthy, perfect...then he was 'struck by lightening' and now he is gone.
Now it's August 13th...17 days since Aidan was born...11 days since he was buried. It seems like yesterday, but seems like an eternity ago too. For the first few days after Aidan was gone I was hysterical, then it was like..."Did that really happen? Was I really pregnant only a week ago? Did I really hold him?"...then it physically hurt everywhere...now I still hurt, but a little less. I cry everyday. I miss my son. I pray to God to help me through this. I struggle with my relationship with God daily. I want to be faithful, but it is difficult to be faithful to a God who felt it necessary to let your baby die. I know He has 'reasons' for everything that He does, or doesn't do, but there is no reason good enough. There is no reason good enough to take Aidan from me. God knows my heart and I have faith that He will walk me down this grief path and lead me in a new direction with my life...His direction....so here we go......
Love, Me.
I am starting this blog now, in the midst of my grief to hopefully assist me in my journey to...the other side? my 'new normal'? happiness?....or whereever I'll end up. So now that I'm in the middle I have to go back to the beginning and explain how I got here...so bear with me.
This journey started, I would have to say, when I met my husband, Andrew. We met the summer of 2004 in Edinburgh Scotland and then fell in love in Dublin Ireland. (I know, a little random). We were both studying international law. I was a student in my first year and he was my T.A. about to graduate. :) From then on we were inseparable. We did everything together, traveled to other countries together, ate and drank and talked about everything. We were immediate best friends; it was like I had known him for years. As it turned out he was from St. Louis and had gone to the same law school, but we had never actually met until then. When the summer ended, I think both of us thought our summer romance was going to end as well, but when he came and visited me right before school started we decided that we were going to try and make this work....Fast forward through 2 years of long distance, a few bar exams, desperately trying to find jobs, unemployment, then underemployment, me converting to Catholicism and finally arriving 5 years later at our wedding. We were married in Dallas, Texas on May 23, 2009. We were so blissfully happy...It's hard to believe that was only 15 months ago.
In December of 2009 Andrew and I started to talk about starting our family. We had discussed it a little in the past, but as we were driving home from his parent's house in St. Louis after Christmas of last year we decided that we were ready and we would just not use protection and "see what happened"....What happens is that you get pregnant! :) We got pregnant on our first "try". We found out January of this year that we were expecting; our baby was due September 20th. I think we were both in shock at first. We didn't think it would be so immediate, so after the shock wore off, probably around the time I stopped being horribly nauseous all the time, we were unbelievably excited. We were going to be parents. We didn't care whether we would have a boy or a girl. This was our first and all we wanted was a healthy baby. Immediately I started thinking about all the things that we would do. Andrew and I would talk about different names we liked, and went though the "next years"...."This next year at Christmas we'll have a 3 month old!....Next year on your birthday we'll have a 9 month old!". At 12 weeks we went to a perinatologist for an NT test which measures the fat on the back of the baby's neck and can determine (or give a good indication) as to whether there are any birth defects....and they can give a good indication as to the sex of the baby. I wish I could say that the reason we wanted the NT test was to prepare ourselves for any birth defects, but really it was so that I could get a jump start on planning the nursery...pink or blue! The NT test came back 95% normal and more importantly we found out we would be having a boy!...our Aidan Jackson. I came out of that appointment floating on a cloud...I was going to have a son!
We were so excited, so happy. I had never been so happy in my life. We knew that the sex prediction at our test was not 100% accurate, we would find that out at our 24 week ultrasound at our OB, but I knew it was a boy...I remember telling Andrew that I knew it was a boy even at 9 weeks. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I was horribly anxious about the ultrasound coming up...I was so excited, but was really concerned about having to take back all the boy stuff I had bought for the nursery in case our perinatologist (and me) were wrong and I was having a girl. I was also kind of irritated that I had to wait 24 weeks. Most women go in between 18-20, but my OB had a different policy so I just went with it and tried to be patient....which is definitely not one of my virtues. :) ...Really, taking back baby clothes was the only thing I was concerned about...I was so blissfully happy it never even crossed my mind that something could go wrong. I always thought that once you made it out of the first trimester (12 weeks) everything would be fine...birth defects are so rare, we are young, things like that don't happen to us....Right?
The day finally came for our 24 week ultrasound, June 3rd. We were so excited. It was scheduled in the afternoon so I left work early and came home so that Andrew and I could go to the appointment together. I couldn't wait to see my boy, his hands and feet and profile....I even grabbed a scoop of ice cream and put it in a cup to eat on the way over because I wanted him to be active and kicking up a storm on the screen. I didn't have to wait long and we were brought in to the ultrasound room. Andrew sat right next to me and held my hand as the nurse put the ultrasound goo on my belly. This moment was the last moment of innocence. What was to happen next would change my life forever...Below is a letter that Andrew wrote to our friends and family to let them know what was going on...what happened...
"To our loved ones:
As you all know by this time, the last 72 hours hours have been the most devastating hours of Mandy and my lives. Right now everything is a struggle for us, so please know that the reason that I have been unable to talk to each of you personally is not because we don't want to talk to you, it just too painful and hard.
On Thursday, Mandy and I went in for our 24 week ultrasound with our OB/GYN. The ultrasound showed what appeared to be low amniotic fluid although the scans indicated that there might be perfectly normal pockets. As a result, our OB referred us to get a more detailed scan at our peri-natologist.
On Friday, Mandy and I went in to our Perinatologist's office. The first things that we heard were wonderful, everything looked healthy as far as measurements of the brain, skeletal, heart, etc. When the Doctor checked for amniotic fluid, however, there was absolutely none. Furthermore, there were a number of cysts over both of Aidan's kidneys which simply put never formed properly and, thus, could not produce the amniotic fluid necessary for the life sustaining growth all babies need while in the womb. The diagnosis was bilateral multicystic dysplastic kidneys due to bilateral uteral vesical obstruction. The prognosis we were given was every parents worse nightmare, there is virtually no chance that Aidan will survive when he is born. The initial diagnosis is only made more problematic because of all the complications associated with lack of amniotic fluid--we could lose our angel while he is still inside Mandy if his umbilical cord becomes compressed or we could lose him at birth because babies need amniotic fluid in order for their lungs to form.
Later on Friday, Mandy and I went to Presbyterian Plano Hospital for additional monitoring and to discuss any possibilities that might help--whether saline infusion would help (it won't because ultimately Aidan's kidneys can't process it to make amniotic fluid, so he would just drink it and absorb it. Plus the risk to Mandy would be enormous as she would have to be injected everyday and the benefit would be non-existent). So we went home and cried ourselves to sleep.
Saturday, our friends Georgina and her husband Dr. John, down in Houston put us in contact with neo-natal specialists at Texas Children's Hospital. Nurses and doctors alike were calling us from their homes on a weekend, taking information and discussing whether our hopes that neo-natal surgery could repair the problem. Unfortunately, because of the nature of Aidan's problems there is nothing that these incredibly kind people could do for us. I will never forget the compassion that the nurses and doctors showed to Mandy and me, two people that they have never even met.
The neo-natal nephrologist (kidney doctor) talked with us for a long time, and he is still going to take a second look at everything when we send it to him tomorrow, but what he told us was different than what our OB and perinatologist told us. In his experience only about 10% of these babies die while in the womb. In most instances mothers carry these children to full term.
So that is where we are now, Mandy and I are just heartbroken. We know that at some time in the future our sweet Aidan will be born and that he will live for a very short time, whether it is seconds, minutes, hours or more, we just don't know, but Aidan will not survive to bring back to the loving home that we have been building for him. When Aidan comes, we will hold him in our arms until God calls him home. We hope to have him baptized at the hospital if he survives birth and will be talking to Fr. John, the priest who married Mandy and I. Thankfully, the Church allows lay baptism in these types of situations and if Fr. John cannot make it in time, I will baptize him myself in God's name. Mandy and I are planning to have a memorial service or funeral service (I don't know how that works yet). We will bury our son close by so that to the end of our lives we can celebrate the life of our son Aidan who has brought so much joy to our lives these past few months. We ask that you all come to be with us when the time comes, we are only planning on having immediate family or those who have become like family to us like--trust your judgment or run it by me if you aren't sure.
Please pray for us, we are begging for God's grace to ease our unending pain. Until then we are taking everything one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
With all of our love,
Andy and Mandy"
It breaks my heart to read even now...After that day Andrew and I decided that no matter what we would continue to carry Aidan for as long as my body and his body would let me, that we would not be the ones to take his life (as this was provided as an option), that this was all up to God. We decided that we were going to celebrate his life while we had him. He was still alive kicking around inside me. He could hear us and feel us. We were not going to give up on him.
We talked to him, read to him, prayed with him. We laughed and I ate just about whatever I wanted. We found out what he liked and didn't like. We talked to him about what the world was like, what his grandparents were like, how mommy and daddy met, stories about our families from when we were growing up. We took him to a Cardinals baseball game (both Andrew and Aidan are huge fans). We took him to the beach. We had to squeeze a lifetime of memories into however long God gave us...And all this time we prayed for a miracle, we prayed that God would save him.
During our time with Aidan I researched everything I could about his diagnosis, trying to find a cure, a procedure, anything. Everything I came across said 'fatal' or 'incompatible with life'. As time went on Andrew and I decided that we had to create a birth plan. We were told by everyone that Aidan would most likely be born alive but we had to decided when, how, what we wanted to be performed on Aidan, how aggressive would medical intervention be, etc. I cannot tell you how difficult it is to chose a date to give birth to your child, knowing that date is not only his birthday, but also the day that he will die. We decided to have our birth plan reviewed by someone. We sent it to a woman named Karen Moise, who was a nurse and coincidentally the wife to the neo-natal expert that had reviewed our case immediately after we received Aidan's diagnosis. Having been in Houston already for the Cardinals game, we met with her in person to discuss our birth plan. She suggested coming down to have one of the doctors in the fetal medicine group give a second opinion and do an ultrasound. We came back for the appointment two weeks later, July 23rd, and after lots of scans of Aidan, me and even Andrew's kidneys the diagnosis was the same. There was nothing we could do to save Aidan...and worse we discovered that Aidan's heart was fibrillating...my son was dying. The doctors told us to call our OB on the way home to make an appointment for that Monday because they didn't think that Aidan would make it through the weekend. I was heartbroken. I wanted so much to see my son alive, but I didn't want him to suffer either. I trusted God that he would take him when it was time. On July 26th we went in to see my OB. I had felt movement that weekend and even that morning, I knew he was still with us, and he was. My little fighter was still hanging on, but his poor heart was still fibrillating. My OB was so surprised that he had made it through the weekend....I couldn't help but be proud.
On July 27th I woke up to contractions at 2 a.m. At first I didn't know what they were, but as they increased and became more painful I knew....I was in labor. At this point Aidan was 32 weeks and 1 day. We rushed to the hospital...my Aidan was on his way. I still hoped to see him alive, to hear a cry, even now I still prayed and thought maybe God would save him, but God called him home a couple of hours before I started pushing. I was told that Aidan had passed while I was pushing. My OB looked at me and kindly said..."Amanda, He's already passed." I immediately looked at Andrew and saw the tears in his eyes as he said..."He's gone baby."....and even still my heart hoped. When I finally pushed him out I still hoped to hear baby cries, I still strained to hear my son call out to me..but it was nothing but silence. My sweet precious angel was gone. He was with our Savior.
Aidan was born at 3:40 p.m. weighing 5lbs. 1oz and measuring 17inches. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. July 27th was the best and worst day of my life. Even now I look back on that day and think about his little hands and feet, his chubby chin and arms and my heart jumps. I love him so much....
"Dear Family and Friends,
My son Aidan Jackson was born sleeping yesterday Tuesday July 27th at 3:40 pm at 32 weeks and 1 day. He was 5 lbs 1 oz and 17 inches long. He was perfect and beautiful. The doctors said that he might have deformities because of the lack of fluid, they were wrong. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.
I went into labor late Monday night/Tuesday morning and had contractions from 2 am - 7 am then we decided to go to the hospital. Aidan was coming early. Aidan means "little fiery one" and my little firecracker was going to come into this world on his own terms. My brave little angel. I had a vaginal delivery even though he was breached. He passed away during the last hours of labor before I started pushing, his little heart had already been fibrillating for days before and it just couldn't handle the pressure of labor. Although he did hang on for the first few hours because I could feel him kick and move inside me. He was such a little fighter!
He was exactly my Andrew and me. He had Andrew's eyes and eyebrows, his olive skin, his big feet, face shape and long body. He had a full head of dark hair like I did when I was born, he had a little overbite and a callus on this thumb (a thumb sucker in the womb like his mommy), he had is mommy's toes (his second toe was longer than his big toe, but only on one foot), and tiny hands like his mommy and he had his grandpa's nose (my father's nose). He was the most perfect thing I have ever seen in my entire life!
NILMDTS photographers came and took pictures shortly after he was born, then all the family came in to be with him. My parents, grandparents, brother, uncle, my best friend Bobbi...all the most important people in my life were there with me to celebrate my beautiful son. It was the worst and best day of my life. I held him for 7 hours before we said goodbye because he had turned cold and his little hands and appendages started to show signs of death. I just couldn't bare the thought of seeing his little body deteriorate in front of me.
For those 7 hours we hugged him and kissed him and sang to him. We prayed with him and Andrew baptized him. We bathed and diapered him and put baby lotion all over his soft skin. We dressed him and swaddled him. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I loved feeling the weight of him in my arms. He was made for my arms, he fit so perfectly. I kept talking to him and kissing him and rubbing his little head; he had the softest most beautiful hair and the most adorable full lips. I can't tell you how beautiful he was! The moment he was placed in my arms I fell in love. I never knew that I could love anyone or anything as much as I love him. I can't even describe it in words. Its a pure, unconditional, all consuming self-sacrificing kind of love. Its the love of a mother.
Finally we had to say our final goodbyes, and of all the labor pains, and needles and blood and pushing and pulling and everything that I went through yesterday this was the hardest thing that I had to do. It was the hardest thing to have to hand my precious son over to the nurse and watch her take him out of the room, out of our lives forever. When she left I started screaming and crying. I had to use all my strength not to jump out of my bed and chase her down like a crazed woman. I wanted him back. I wanted him with me. I wanted a lifetime.
I know that my Aidan is with Jesus. I know he is safe and loved and I know I will see him again. I know that he is happy and perfect and he will be looking down on us, watching his mommy and daddy. He will never really be gone, we will always have him in our hearts and in our minds forever. We will still continue to talk to him and pray for him. He will always be my son, my first born child, my Aidan. Yesterday at around 7 pm while we were holding Aidan and after my parents left and the day nurse we had went home there were rainbows reported everywhere. I got texted a picture from Bobbi of a complete beautiful rainbow. A double rainbow was reported above my parents house and our nurse reported that she saw one yesterday when she went home. She said it was the most beautiful rainbow she had ever seen, that you could see every color and it was complete from end to end.
Rainbows are a symbol that God is with us, that he will not forsake us, it's God's promise of God's mercy and of the covenant that he has with us all. I think Aidan sent that rainbow to us! My sweet precious angel.
He left this world on his terms. By coming early my little fighter saved me from having a C-section. Ever since we found out about his diagnosis we prayed for a miracle...and yesterday we got one. We held our miracle for 7 beautiful hours. Aidan WAS the miracle we prayed for and He answered our prayers.
Thank you for praying for us these past few weeks, for your kind words/emails/texts. Andrew and I are so blessed to have such a great network of support. I thank God for all of you.
Love,
Mandy, Wife to Andrew, Mommy to Aidan."
We had a memorial service for Aidan on August 2nd. It was beautiful. It was the hottest day of the year...my little fiery one...Mommy loves you so much.
"Yesterday August 2nd I buried my son Aidan Jackson. We had a church service. We had a closed casket because we thought it would upset people to see a baby lying in a casket. The day before we went to the funeral home to say our last goodbyes. He looked beautiful in his christening gown my mom had ordered for him from Ireland. It fit him so well. It was made of white silk and was trimmed in blue around the bottom and around his bonnet. He was wearing our cross and he had little blue booties on his feet. He looked beautiful and the exact same as he did when the nurse took him from my arms.
We had his service in the same church where my husband and I were married not more than 14 months ago. The same church where we prayed to Mary to intercede on our behalf for a child. The same church where our family started. I didn't think that many people would come, I thought it would be just family. We didn't publish anything in the paper, I just posted about it on facebook and my mom told people when/where it was going to be. My husband and I arrived first before anyone else, even my parents. Our son's casket was already at the front of the church. We had brought a couple of pictures of him that we had blown up and they were next to him at the alter. I cried and kissed the top of the casket where I knew my baby's head lay. Throughout the service I just stared at the picture of him and at the casket. I whispered out loud to talk to him to remind him of the promises I made to him. Then it was time for my husband and I to speak. I know normally the parents do not do this, or that it is very difficult for them to do, but I knew that if I didn't speak I would regret it for the rest of my life. When I got up and walked up to the pulpit. I looked out and couldn't believe how many people were there. People I hadn't seen since High School, people I hadn't seen for years! There were over 100 people there, for my son who never drew a breath on this earth. He had touched so many lives. It made me that much more proud to be Aidan's mother.
I poured my heart out on the pulpit. I spoke about my pregnancy, about all the things we did with Aidan. About who he was, about his personality, about how he changed my life and my husband's life, about how he touched people and brought them closer to God, about how my son changed the world. I am so glad that I spoke. I know my Aidan heard me and he was proud.
After the service we all drove out to the cemetery and the priest followed. We had a singer accompanied by an acoustic guitar. Her voice was of an angel. She sang "I Will Carry You" (male version), "Be Still My Soul" and "What A Friend We Have In Jesus". The priest blessed his casket and his grave and we all prayed over him. I was given a crucifix that laid on top of his casket. We have a wall in our house of crosses that we collect on our travels together, we have one from Ireland, one from St. Lucia (honeymoon), one that I purchased for Andrew for our wedding, one from Mexico, one from California, one from Houston...Aidan's cross now hangs there too.
I watched them lower his casket into the ground. I watched them lock his vault. I wanted to watch them put in the first few shovels of dirt, but my husband couldn't bear to watch so we left then.
We left and went to my parents house where they had a reception with food and pictures of the day of Aidan's birth everywhere. My mother bought a cake with a Rainbow on it. Which was very symbolic of the day I had Aidan. The day I gave birth to Aidan I was sent pictures of Rainbows that were seen all over town. On that day it rained as the Angels cried and then the sun came out and a beautiful rainbow was shown throughout the sky..."And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: 13I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. 16When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." Gen. 9:11-17. I believe that Aidan asked God to send us those Rainbows to let us know that he is with our Jesus in His kingdom; that he is alive and well that he is safe in our Saviors arms."
My best friend put together a slide show to music for us; it had pictures of us throughout my pregnancy all the way to the day he was born. In the video she included words from the letter that I had written to my friends about the day he was born. It is so special to me. I can't wait to get an actual DVD version that I can have for my own. I have been watching this video over and over. I love it.
Here is the link to view it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypk0P962JBM
This Tuesday we received all of Aidan's test results back from his birth. We had his chromosomes tested and an autopsy on his kidneys performed. Everything came back as expected. My son was a completely normal baby boy with a blockage between the bladder and the urethra which caused a back up of urine in his kidneys which then caused kidney failure and then caused hypoplastic lungs. The blockage occurring was just a 'fluke', is not genetic and is not likely to happen again. My OB said it was like getting "struck by lightening". Actually I think the odds of getting struck by lightening are better than the odds of this happening to Aidan (1/10,000 chance)....(I feel like I have won some kind of backwards screwed up lottery...of all the numbers in the jar...how did mine get picked?) So there it is...My son was normal, healthy, perfect...then he was 'struck by lightening' and now he is gone.
Now it's August 13th...17 days since Aidan was born...11 days since he was buried. It seems like yesterday, but seems like an eternity ago too. For the first few days after Aidan was gone I was hysterical, then it was like..."Did that really happen? Was I really pregnant only a week ago? Did I really hold him?"...then it physically hurt everywhere...now I still hurt, but a little less. I cry everyday. I miss my son. I pray to God to help me through this. I struggle with my relationship with God daily. I want to be faithful, but it is difficult to be faithful to a God who felt it necessary to let your baby die. I know He has 'reasons' for everything that He does, or doesn't do, but there is no reason good enough. There is no reason good enough to take Aidan from me. God knows my heart and I have faith that He will walk me down this grief path and lead me in a new direction with my life...His direction....so here we go......
Love, Me.
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