My Fat Ass, God and Choosing the Future

If I trail off and sound like I am a rambling crazy person it's because I just got back from walk/jogging outside. This doesn't sound like much of a feat, but when you have an extra 30 lbs. on your body and you live in Texas where it has been over 100 degrees for the last 10 days and you went jogging around noon...Yeah I'm surprised I didn't pass out too!

I am determined to fit into my old clothes! Andrew is very supportive and tells me not to be too hard on myself because I only gave birth 3 weeks ago, but what I'm afraid of is when that turns into 3 months then 6 months...then eventually (hopefully) we get pregnant again and I gain more weight. Please Jesus, don't let me be childless and FAT! But at least my weight is something that I can sort of control. I am learning more and more that I have very little control over what happens in my life. And this is an issue for me because I am somewhat of a control freak...Ok Ok, a major control freak.

I knew very early on that I wanted to be an attorney so I went to school and got good grades and graduated from law school and became an attorney. I also knew that I wanted to be married and have children before I turned 30. Thankfully I met my wonderful husband in law school and we easily became pregnant. Everything was going to 'plan'. Yep, life was pretty close to perfect...Until June 4th when we were informed that our precious son would not be coming home...I remember thinking "This can't be happening...This doesn't happen to us, it happens to other people...This isn't right....What about my plan?" It was then that I was slapped in the face with reality...with the truth...the truth is, no matter how much you try to have control of your life, your future, no matter how much you try and 'plan' the truth is we are not the ones in control. The only one who has any measure of control in this life, our lives, is God.

But that is not to say that everything that happens in this world is because God makes it happen or everything that happens in this world is God's will. I hate it when people say "It's God's Will" about my son dying. To this day as I smile and nod in response to that comment I think to myself..."What a load of Bullshit!". If that were true my baby wouldn't have died, millions of people wouldn't be dying of AIDS, there wouldn't be mass genocide and I wouldn't have to wait so long in line at Starbucks for my Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte. :) . If everything that happens in this world is God's will (death, rape, murder, pain) I don't think I would want to praise such a God. I discussed this with my priest not too long after Aidan was diagnosed and I loved what he said..."If I thought that things like this [Aidan's impending death] were God's will I wouldn't be doing this, I'd be out selling cars."

I've been reading several grieving books and books on just putting your life back together after a tragedy. And pretty much everyone says a myriad of different things...God is in control, but he doesn't control everything. He has a plan for each of our lives, but sometimes our lives get off track from that plan because of the choices we make. God doesn't cause death or pain or use such things to punish, but He will bring you back to praise Him no matter what the cost especially if you have made other things in your life your focus rather than Him. God doesn't send good things your way if you praise Him and do 'good', but if you don't lead your life with a focus on Him you will be punished...So what does it all mean?

Yeah, I don't know either. I do know this, I can't imagine God taking my son away from me just to bring me closer to Him. And I don't believe that God has 'punished' me by taking my son from me because my focus was wanting children and a family. But other than that I just don't know. I do not pretend to have any idea how God works, and I don't think any one of us truly knows. Sure, we have the bible to give us some inkling of limited human understanding of God, and about a gazillion books, essays, treatises, articles and encyclicals on man's interpretation of God, but none of us really know. And I think it's kind of presumptuous for us as humans to even try to assume that we can understand God and his workings. It's like that movie 'Defending Your Life' we are 'little brains' we just aren't meant to understand such things.

Wow, how did I get from complaining about my fat ass to understanding God? It's a good thing no one reads this crap. LOL.

Another reason I am desperate to lose these extra LB's is because Andrew and I booked a trip to Cancun for the last week in October. I remember when I was still pregnant with Aidan I had read on some other blogs about mom's who had lost their children and had planned a vacation a few months after. I remember thinking how can they do that? But now I totally 'get it'. You just need a break. A break from the tears, from the grief. A break from neighbor's pity looks because you used to have a huge baby belly and now its gone and there is no baby in your arms. A break from people asking you "are you ok?" like you are a moment away from choking down a bottle of pills. You just need to get away and be with your husband and just have some sniff of what 'normal' used to be like...And it gives you something to look forward to.

I am trying to think to the future and to be more future focused. I want to look forward to things like Cancun or dinner with friends or more children instead of focusing constantly on the fact that my son is gone. I can't change that Aidan is in heaven (no matter how much I wish that I could), but what I can do is change how I let his absence affect my life. I want to celebrate Aidan and his life in everything I do. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to look down and see that his parents love each other. I want him to look down and see his brothers and sisters. I want him to look down and laugh and smile and be happy and proud of his family....and that will not happen if all I do is cry and lay in bed all day (which is what I want to do about 60% of the time). I am choosing to get out of bed. I am choosing to smile and not feel guilty. I am choosing to laugh at a funny joke. I am choosing to praise God even though I don't know his plan for my life or my future. And yes, sometimes those choices are hard; it would be easier not to do any of it. But I want to honor my son and my God.

And now I will sign off because I'm exhausted and need to do some scrapbooking :)

Love, Me.