Today was a pretty busy day for me and Andrew. We got up and decided to go to the 9:00 a.m. mass at our church. This is not that early you say, well no it's not, but we live fairly far away from our church so we have to get up at 7:00. On a weekend...Ugh! We got up showered etc. and to our amazement traffic was practically non-existent which is rare for Dallas, we actually got to church almost 30 min. early!
After church we went out to visit Aidan. We have made this a tradition each Sunday...Church, then visit Aidan's grave, then lunch, then either nap or errands. Each time that we visit Aidan we bring a children's book from his library and read it to him. When Aidan died I asked friends and family to send us children's books instead of flowers and to inscribe them to Aidan. I got the idea from a blog of another mother who lost her son. We have received several books and we love all of them, especially ones where they have written a little message or prayer or scripture to Aidan. I am eventually going to go out and buy bookcases and a comfy chair and ottoman for the corner of our game room so that I can build an actual library for Aidan's books. I'm thinking of calling it Aidan's Alley or Aidan's Reading Corner or something cute. I want to make it really comfy so that Andrew and I can go up there and read and think of him and then when (hopefully one day) his brothers and sisters come along they can read there too and know about their brother Aidan who is watching over them in heaven. :-)
I love visiting Aidan. I know that only his body is buried, that his soul is in heaven with Jesus, but for some reason I find peace and comfort after I've visited...even if it only lasts for a short while. Andrew and I read the book we bring and we talk to him and tell him about what we've been doing, about his furry brother Willie and about how much we miss him and love him. Today was hard for me. I cry every time we visit, but some days are harder than others...as it is with grief. Today's visit was one of those days. I just miss him so much...and sometimes something will hit me that will make the hurt worse. Today it was the other markers out near him....I know that I am not the first and will not be the last to lose their baby, but when I think of other parents going through this it breaks my heart. Out near Aidan there are headstones for babies dating back to the 1950's. All these babies that should be 5, 14, 25, 34 even 53 years old and for all these babies there remain broken hearts of parents that long to be with them, that have missed out on so many memories, that have always known that at each family dinner, every thanksgiving, every Christmas, every Easter, every mother's day...there is always someone missing at the table. And when I thought about this today I realized....that is going to be me and Andrew. No matter how many more kids we have...Aidan will always be missing, our future (hopefully) children will have a big brother that they will never know...every year that goes by we will think...I wonder what Aidan would look like now...he would be walking now...he would be starting school this year...he would be driving this year...he should be here this Christmas, this thanksgiving...he should be with us. So all this was rushing through my mind and I just couldn't help but cry my eyes out. I haven't cried that hard for a few days, but you can only put off the hurt for so long and then it catches up with you and you just have to let it out. I know the hurt will never stop....but I am looking forward to the day that it won't hurt this much.
After we went to visit Aidan we ate breakfast, came home to change clothes, went to pick up some pictures that we had developed, went to Michael's and then to Barnes and Noble. Since I have some time off work I am doing a few projects to keep me busy. One thing I am doing is to create a wall of pictures in my house, actually in a few areas of my house. Another thing I am doing is 2 scrapbooks, one for Aidan and one for our honeymoon. So the trips to get the pictures and to Michael's were very productive. We went to Barnes and Noble initially so that I could meet a woman off of Craigslist and buy some work-out DVDs...yes I know this is random, but I need something to jump start losing this baby weight. I loved being pregnant and everything about giving birth and holding my Aidan. I wouldn't change anything. But now since I don't have a baby in my arms, and I have an extra 30lbs on my body I either look like (A) A Fat Person, or (B) A Woman who is only 18 weeks pregnant....I can't decide which is worse at this point. So, I need to get this weight off...and I know with my luck by the time I finally get it all off Andrew and I will probably be ready to start trying for another baby...isn't that always how it is? Anyway, the gal with the exercise videos never showed up! Grrrr! And since we were meeting at a Barnes and Noble I figured I would use that time to buy some more grieving books....I think these will be books 6 and 7...yes I so far have read 5 other books on grief after losing a baby. I have always been sort of neurotic and majorly type A. Maybe I subconsciously think that if I read enough books on grief and loss this will somehow get easier or that one of these books will hold the key to moving on? Possibly, but I know the reality is that only the passage of time will alleviate the hurt to a manageable level.
So that was my day. I feel like I was very productive actually and I'm kind of proud....it's the little victories.
Love, Me.
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