Aidan's Eulogy from His Mommy

This is what I read at Aidan's funeral on August 2, 2010. He was there with me that day giving me strength. I love you so much my son. I miss you every day.

"Aidan’s Memorial from His Mommy

First I want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate the life of my son Aidan. Although his time on this earth was short, he was loved and cherished every day that we had him.

Aidan lived for 8 months and 1 day, and during that time he brought so much joy to me and Andrew and our families. He made me laugh so much during the time he was with us. He was such a little wiggle worm. I remember the first time I felt him move. I was around 17 weeks and sitting at my desk at work. I remember feeling a little flutter on my right side. It sort of caught me off guard. It was definitely something I had never felt before but I of course immediately dismissed it as gas…which thanks to the spicy food my little Aidan was craving was something I was experiencing quite a bit. But then later when I got in my car to go home that day I felt it again…It felt like butterflies, this wasn’t gas it was him moving around inside me; I immediately stopped everything I was doing, put my hand on my belly and said…I love you too buddy.

From that point on I was hooked, I had fallen in love. A love that I can’t possibly describe. As the weeks went on his flutters turned to full on kicks. I remember lying on my back and watching him dance in my belly. And the more he kicked the more I discovered his little personality. He loved ice cream and pretty much anything with sugar or chocolate. He loved lemonade and cold water. He loved Indian food and Mexican…the spicier the better. He loved peanut butter and M&M’s on wheat thins. He didn’t like it when I rested anything on my tummy because it invaded his space. He loved to hear the sound of my voice and seemed to kick and move the most when I was in a meeting or a conference call negotiating with a supplier as if to say, “Get ‘Em Mommy!”. He loved all kinds of music but his favorites were jazz and rock and roll. He loved the sound of his Daddy’s voice. Every night Andrew would read Aidan a bed time story, usually Curious George which is daddy’s favorite, and when he was done we would all pray together while Andrew put his hand on my belly. Aidan would then give a big kick or wiggle as if to say…Goodnight Daddy, I love you!

After we were informed of Aidan’s diagnosis we were determined to make the most out of every moment we had with him. Those days are so special to me. We talked to him about everything. We told him how mommy and daddy met, about his grandparents, his aunts and uncles and his brother Willie. We told him what swimming felt like, what snow was like, how to make chocolate chip cookies and how important it was to separate the lights from the darks when doing laundry. We talked about every little aspect of life, a life we knew he would never get to live. Andrew and I would rub my belly and sing to him often. We would dance together and sway to the music. We took a family trip together down to Houston to go to a Cardinals game and to Galveston to see the beach. He loved the baseball game, when the crowd cheered so did Aidan, kicking and wiggling away. He was his father’s son.

My Aidan was not only sweet and playful he also had a sense of humor and a stubborn streak! The name Aidan means little fiery one and my boy definitely lived up to his name! If ever anyone, Andrew or my Parents would try and feel him kick or make him kick on command he wouldn’t…not until they moved their hands away, then boom he would give a big one. He made me laugh so much. He was headstrong like his mommy even in the womb. No one was going to tell him what to do, not even when he was going to be born. You know contractions start because the baby decides when it is going to come by sending out a chemical into the mother’s womb and I think he must have heard Andrew and me and the doctors discussing when and how to give birth to Aidan, because as a shock to us all he came early and with a vengeance! Aidan was going to come into this world on his terms and no one else’s. He had such spunk and fight, I am so proud to be his mother.

Aidan chose July 27^th, a Tuesday to come into this world. He was born at 3:40 p.m. weighing 5lbs and 1oz and measuring 17 inches long. He fought as long as his little body would let him, but eventually passed away during the last hours of labor. He was so beautiful. He was exactly Andrew and me. He had Andrew’s eyes and eyebrows, his long body and long legs, his big flat feet and beautiful skin. Just like me he had a full head of dark hair, an overbite and a callus on his left thumb, just like his mommy he sucked his thumb in the womb. He also had my toes, with the second toe on his right foot longer than his big toe. And he had his Poppy’s nose. He was the most perfect thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I will never forget the way I felt when Andrew placed him in my arms.  It was amazing. I wasn’t just holding my son, I was holding a piece of heaven.

We held our Aidan for 7 wonderful hours. We kissed him and sang to him. We prayed with him and Andrew baptized him. We bathed and diapered him and put baby lotion all over his soft skin. We dressed him and swaddled him. I can still feel the weight of him in my arms. He was made for my arms, he fit so perfectly. I kissed his sweet skin and rubbed his little head; he had the softest most beautiful hair and the most adorable full lips. The moment he was placed in my arms I fell in love. I never knew that I could love anyone or anything as much as I love him. It’s like oxygen. It’s a pure, unconditional, all consuming self-sacrificing kind of love. It’s the love of a mother.

I know that my Aidan is with Jesus. I know he is safe and loved and I know I will see him again. I know that he is happy and perfect and he is looking down on us, watching his mommy and daddy. He will never really be gone, we will always have him in our hearts and in our minds forever. He will always be my son, my first born child, my Aidan. On Tuesday at around 7 pm while we were holding Aidan there were rainbows reported everywhere. A picture of a rainbow was sent to me, a double rainbow was reported above my parents’ house and our nurse reported that she saw a rainbow when she went home that day. She said it was the most beautiful rainbow she had ever seen that you could see every color and it was complete from end to end.

Rainbows are a symbol that God is with us, that he will not forsake us, it's a reminder of God's promise of His mercy and of the covenant that he has with us all. I think Aidan sent that rainbow to us letting us know that he was with our Savior in his kingdom! My sweet precious angel.

As the saying goes “There are no footprints too small as to not leave an imprint on this world”. So it is true with my son Aidan. He touched more lives than I can count. Throughout our journey Andrew and I have received emails, texts and letters from people all over the world telling us that they were praying for us, praying for Aidan. People we have never even met. They were calling out to our Savior in Aidan’s name. My son who never took a breath on this earth did something better and more meaningful than most of us do in our entire lives…he brought people closer to God, he changed the world.

I want to thank all of you for supporting us on our earthly journey with Aidan. I want to thank our family and friends for your love and prayers. But most of all I want to thank you, my precious husband Andrew. Without you I couldn’t make it. You are what gets me through each day. You are my soul mate. You are my rock. I love you.

And finally to my son, Aidan. Thank you for teaching me what real love is. For teaching me how to hope against all odds. For bringing me so close to God that I felt him in my arms, I felt him in you. You are my heart sweet boy. You are all that is good and pure in the world. You are the reason I was made. Being your mother has been the privilege of my life and as long as this life separates us my heart will ache for you. Mommy loves you precious son. “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, forever and always, my baby you’ll be.”

Love, Me.

2 Months

It has been 2 months since we said goodbye to our precious son Aidan. I can't believe how time flys. With each milestone that passes (1 week, 1 month, 2 months etc.) there is a mix of feeling like he left us yesterday and like he left us years ago. I can still remember every detail of his birth and every detail of what he looked like and smelled like and felt like, but as the days go on and on it is less painful and therefore feels like he passed away years ago. I am thankful however that I can look back on his birth and the time we had with Aidan with joy and happiness. It really was amazing.

The weather has turned chilly here in Texas. It is truly lovely. I love this time of year and so looked forward to having a chubby baby in my arms to enjoy it. Aidan was supposed to be born on September 20th, a week ago today. When we found out he was going to be born in September my first thought was how great it would be to celebrate his birthdays in the amazing weather that September brings. It's not too hot and not too cold and generally ranges from 68 - 75 degrees and sunny. I imagined outdoor parties, cook outs, little boys and girls running through the house with melted popcicles praying that they would only stain the carpets and not my furniture, and Aidan and his daddy watching football together on the weekends. Then I thought about what we would dress him up as for Halloween. He would be 1 month then (I thought) and probably a big chunk so maybe a pumpkin or a puppy or something else adorable. Then I thought about what Christmas would be like with a 3 month old. I had planned to have Christmas at our house inviting the whole family over and cooking a big Christmas dinner with ham and turkey and a ton of sides and desserts. Andrew and I love to cook and love family and blending the two sounded like heaven.

As each day that passes turns into another month without my son I think about all the things that we should be doing together, all the things that I am missing out on, and it hurts. It is just more loss. I've lost my son. I've lost countless birthdays. I've lost Halloweens. I've lost Thanksgivings. I've lost Christmas'. I've lost baseball games. I've lost football games. I've lost countless kisses and hugs. I've lost "I wuv you mommy" and "You are prenny mommy". I've lost seeing Aidan and Andrew asleep together on the couch. I've lost a lifetime of memories and that hurts more than anything.

We are going to go out to visit Aidan today because we didn't get to go this weekend. (We went and visited my grandma in Tulsa before she starts her chemo this week. We had a wonderful visit and I am so glad that we went.) We had bought some new silk flowers to put out at his grave last weekend but did not have wire-cutters for them so we will bring them with us today along with a book from his library to read. A few weeks ago we were reading one of Aidan's books to him and Andrew started to cry and reminded me that not only were we reading the story to Aidan, but to all of the other babies resting near him. And I like that. I like reading to all the babies there because I know how much their parents are hurting and I would like to think that those parents would do the same for Aidan. I can't wait for his headstone to arrive. We ordered it the day after his funeral (Aug. 3rd) and it seems to be taking forever, not that there is any rush but it will make me feel better when it is there. When it does arrive I will take pictures and post them here for your viewing pleasure. :-) Just incase you feel like crying or slitting your wrists...LOL, Just Kidding.

Ah, Ok I know this entry has been sooo super sad and depressing so I'm sorry if you are in a puddle of snot and tears. To end on a high note I have officially lost 20 lbs. Yes I said it 20 lbs....and I'm still going. I would like to lose (ideally) another 20, but I'll be happy with another 15. I just can't wait to fit into my old clothes and for Cancun...T minus 26 days and counting!!....I am going to drink a margarita the size of my head....Ole!

Love, Me.

Back At Work...News at 11

I started back to work last Tuesday (day after labor day), and so far so good. I only cry on my way to work and on my way home, usually whilst listening to Christian music that reminds me of Aidan. While I was carrying him I would listen to it in the car all the time and he would kick and hiccup away to the beat. Thankfully I have only cried once at work which was last week. I am generally pretty strong when people come up to me and tell me how sorry that they are and that it's good to have me back etc. But there is one man that I work with that told me how proud he was and how he respected Andrew and me for our decision to continue carrying Aidan. Then he proceeded to tell me about how he had a child, a little girl, that was stillborn at 6 months and how hard it was. He has since had other children who are grown with children of their own and even though it has been at least 30 years as he spoke about her he started to cry, and it touched me in such a way that I couldn't help but cry too. I was just so touched how he opened up to me. He really is a Godly man and I am so glad that Jesus sent him to me on that day to touch my heart. So other than that little burst of tears things at work have been pretty much business as usual and it has been nice to have some sort of 'normal' or 'routine' back in my life.

If I'm not as mentally organized (as if I ever was) or not as witty it's probably because I am running on very few calories so my brain isn't functioning as usual...the synapses aren't...(long pause)....connecting like usual. LOL. But on an up note I have lost 12.5 lbs. in 20 days on the crazy diet. So so far so good. I generally feel pretty good, a bit tired sometimes but it's nothing I can't handle. When people say, "Oh, you are starving yourself. Oh, how can you do it." I think to myself...I've been through hell, eating so little is nothing to me. I can do things now that even shock myself. I'm really much stronger than I thought I was. You know, when you hear about bad things that happen to other people you always say "Oh, I would just die! I could never go through something like that!" but then it happens, to you, and you don't die. You get through it the best you can and keep going. Then you hear about something else happening and you say again, "Oh, I could never get through that! If that happened to me I would just die!" and then it happens, to you, and you don't. You get through it and keep going.

For me it is my faith that gets me through, and knowing that at the end of my life on earth there is a place I am going where 'the bad things' don't exist, where there is unmeasurable joy and happiness, and where I will see my Aidan again. And maybe that sounds corny to other people, but honestly I could not be where I am today, physically, mentally or otherwise without my God. I would be full of hate and sorrow and bitterness. I would be a heavily medicated mess. And I think some people expect me to be that way....but thankfully I'm not. Friends are afraid to talk to me about Aidan and when they do they speak in generalities...but my journey with Aidan was not horrible....I really want to make that clear....My journey with Aidan WAS NOT HORRIBLE. It was the opposite. It was beautiful and wonderful and amazing. It was hard and heartbreaking at times, but it was the best experience of my life. I wouldn't give up one day that I had him and I wouldn't give back one second that I held him. I can't imagine my life without him. He truly was and still IS such a blessing in my life.

I am reading "The Shack" and am almost done with it. It is such a good read. I highly recommend it for anyone. It has a Christian theme so I want to throw that out there, but it's not Christian in a pushy preachy way. It has a great way of showing you the way God loves even in times of tragedy and it sort of gives you the warm fuzzies as you read it. At least it did for me. In all honesty though I started reading it at a good time in my grief. I think had I started to read it right after I had Aidan I might had thrown it on the ground and spouted profanities. LOL. But now I can read it because (I know this is going to come out weird)...I can read it because I have forgiven God for not saving Aidan. Yes, yes, I know how that sounds, like I am above God (which I'm not) but that is the best way I can describe where I am at now. I don't have bitterness or anger and I don't blame....I have forgiven Him because He has forgiven me.

Anyway so that is a quick update of my life and where I'm at currently. Andrew and I are sooo looking forward to Cancun next month and for now we are just putting one foot in front of the other. :-)

***Prayer Request: Please pray for my Grandmother (Barbara) who has Multiple Myeloma (bone cancer), my Aunt (Marri) who has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, my father (Scott) who has diabetes and my sister-in-law (Kayla) who is going in for a surgical procedure this Friday. They are all fighting their battles as best that they can. My Grandma and Marri are to start their therapies the end of this week and my father has started a diabetic diet. Please pray for their strength and perseverance through these battles they have before them. Thank You.****

Love, Me.

A Letter from A Grieving Mother...

I have seen this posted several times on blogs and boards and I wanted to re-post it here. It really hits home...

"When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.


This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.


When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best" - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." Oh, great just what I wanted an angel. You're right I didn't want my baby I wanted an angel. I didn't want him to be my angel. I wanted him to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "He/She is in a better place." What better place is there than in my arms? How is it better that my child is in heaven than with his mommy and daddy? How is that better? Since you want what is best for your children too, would you rather have your child in heaven?...Didn't think so.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. And especially don't say this and associate it with something like your dog...it isn't the same.


-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before my baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.



If you're my boss or my co-worker:


-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.


-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-Do understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.


Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."



Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "loss" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me."

Love, Me.

Today Sucked.

I think the title of this blog entry pretty much says it all. TODAY SUCKED!!

I have been on this crazy diet to lose weight. It goes by many names Dr. Ted, HCG etc. The cost that I paid for this miracle diet is probably the cost of most people's monthly mortgages, but I am just desperate to get this weight off. You are supposed to lose an average of .5-1lb a day...I know crazy, but true. Anyway, I had been doing great on the diet, no cheating at all, drinking lots of water and had been seeing pretty good results (ok I know it's only been like 7 days but still) anyway I woke up yesterday and had gained 1/2 lb. CRAP! So yesterday I decided to watch my salt intake and drink even more water in case it was water weight...I was peeing like every 10 minutes. Surely that was it...then this morning I get on the scales.. up another 1/2 lb. DOUBLE CRAP!! So I call the place/dr. where I signed up for this program and they said that it could be that I'm going to start my period, or water weight, or too much salt, or maybe I need a laxative. They told me to go out and buy this laxative tea. I've been drinking this stuff all day and still haven't felt anything! In fact, I feel more bloated now than ever, argh.

Also, I've had a really emotional day. I cried for a good 2 hours this afternoon. This grief stuff is interesting. One moment I'll be fine then something will hit me or I'll see a picture of Aidan and then I am a teary snotty mess. I even had to go to bed for a bit to get some good cries out. I just kept thinking about his chubby cheeks, his sweet lips and his adorable neck right where his smooth back and his wavy hair met. I can close my eyes and still feel him; I can feel the weight of him in my arms. I can think and remember what he smelled like and what his skin felt like against my cheek. I miss him so much.

More sucking...I go back to work on Tuesday. Not that that sucks actually because I like my job and the people (most of the people) I work with. Since I wanted to get a head start...and frankly I was bored...I decided to log into my office email. Oh, the absurdity of corporate America! Seriously, I was reading these email chains that I get added on to, back and forth arguing about the dumbest things...I just want to reply to all and say "If you people think that this is a major problem, then you don't know what problems are!" When the cleat of life has stabbed you in the face, it really makes your realize what is important. It's going to be all I can do not to tell people to 'F-off' when I am approached with such insignificant things when I start back to work...God give me strength.

Even more sucking...I found out that my Aunt has a tumor in her breast and will have it biopsied on the 13th. Her mother died of breast cancer so this is very concerning. We are all hoping and praying that it is benign.

In case you haven't been keeping up...within less than 6 weeks (this is weeks not months mind you), my son was born and died, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, my dad had been diagnosed with diabetes and my aunt found a tumor in her breast.

I KNOW!!!
So really the title of this post should not only be "Today Sucked" but "Today Sucked...and so did this Year!!"

I can't wait for this year to be over already....although the way this year has gone so far and how there has been bad news around every corner, as the days go on I'm almost afraid to get out of bed...What's next? I get hit by a car and all that is left is a talking head?...I bet even then my face will look fat! LOL.

Argh....wake me up when it's 2011.

Love, Me.