2 Months

It has been 2 months since we said goodbye to our precious son Aidan. I can't believe how time flys. With each milestone that passes (1 week, 1 month, 2 months etc.) there is a mix of feeling like he left us yesterday and like he left us years ago. I can still remember every detail of his birth and every detail of what he looked like and smelled like and felt like, but as the days go on and on it is less painful and therefore feels like he passed away years ago. I am thankful however that I can look back on his birth and the time we had with Aidan with joy and happiness. It really was amazing.

The weather has turned chilly here in Texas. It is truly lovely. I love this time of year and so looked forward to having a chubby baby in my arms to enjoy it. Aidan was supposed to be born on September 20th, a week ago today. When we found out he was going to be born in September my first thought was how great it would be to celebrate his birthdays in the amazing weather that September brings. It's not too hot and not too cold and generally ranges from 68 - 75 degrees and sunny. I imagined outdoor parties, cook outs, little boys and girls running through the house with melted popcicles praying that they would only stain the carpets and not my furniture, and Aidan and his daddy watching football together on the weekends. Then I thought about what we would dress him up as for Halloween. He would be 1 month then (I thought) and probably a big chunk so maybe a pumpkin or a puppy or something else adorable. Then I thought about what Christmas would be like with a 3 month old. I had planned to have Christmas at our house inviting the whole family over and cooking a big Christmas dinner with ham and turkey and a ton of sides and desserts. Andrew and I love to cook and love family and blending the two sounded like heaven.

As each day that passes turns into another month without my son I think about all the things that we should be doing together, all the things that I am missing out on, and it hurts. It is just more loss. I've lost my son. I've lost countless birthdays. I've lost Halloweens. I've lost Thanksgivings. I've lost Christmas'. I've lost baseball games. I've lost football games. I've lost countless kisses and hugs. I've lost "I wuv you mommy" and "You are prenny mommy". I've lost seeing Aidan and Andrew asleep together on the couch. I've lost a lifetime of memories and that hurts more than anything.

We are going to go out to visit Aidan today because we didn't get to go this weekend. (We went and visited my grandma in Tulsa before she starts her chemo this week. We had a wonderful visit and I am so glad that we went.) We had bought some new silk flowers to put out at his grave last weekend but did not have wire-cutters for them so we will bring them with us today along with a book from his library to read. A few weeks ago we were reading one of Aidan's books to him and Andrew started to cry and reminded me that not only were we reading the story to Aidan, but to all of the other babies resting near him. And I like that. I like reading to all the babies there because I know how much their parents are hurting and I would like to think that those parents would do the same for Aidan. I can't wait for his headstone to arrive. We ordered it the day after his funeral (Aug. 3rd) and it seems to be taking forever, not that there is any rush but it will make me feel better when it is there. When it does arrive I will take pictures and post them here for your viewing pleasure. :-) Just incase you feel like crying or slitting your wrists...LOL, Just Kidding.

Ah, Ok I know this entry has been sooo super sad and depressing so I'm sorry if you are in a puddle of snot and tears. To end on a high note I have officially lost 20 lbs. Yes I said it 20 lbs....and I'm still going. I would like to lose (ideally) another 20, but I'll be happy with another 15. I just can't wait to fit into my old clothes and for Cancun...T minus 26 days and counting!!....I am going to drink a margarita the size of my head....Ole!

Love, Me.