Back At Work...News at 11

I started back to work last Tuesday (day after labor day), and so far so good. I only cry on my way to work and on my way home, usually whilst listening to Christian music that reminds me of Aidan. While I was carrying him I would listen to it in the car all the time and he would kick and hiccup away to the beat. Thankfully I have only cried once at work which was last week. I am generally pretty strong when people come up to me and tell me how sorry that they are and that it's good to have me back etc. But there is one man that I work with that told me how proud he was and how he respected Andrew and me for our decision to continue carrying Aidan. Then he proceeded to tell me about how he had a child, a little girl, that was stillborn at 6 months and how hard it was. He has since had other children who are grown with children of their own and even though it has been at least 30 years as he spoke about her he started to cry, and it touched me in such a way that I couldn't help but cry too. I was just so touched how he opened up to me. He really is a Godly man and I am so glad that Jesus sent him to me on that day to touch my heart. So other than that little burst of tears things at work have been pretty much business as usual and it has been nice to have some sort of 'normal' or 'routine' back in my life.

If I'm not as mentally organized (as if I ever was) or not as witty it's probably because I am running on very few calories so my brain isn't functioning as usual...the synapses aren't...(long pause)....connecting like usual. LOL. But on an up note I have lost 12.5 lbs. in 20 days on the crazy diet. So so far so good. I generally feel pretty good, a bit tired sometimes but it's nothing I can't handle. When people say, "Oh, you are starving yourself. Oh, how can you do it." I think to myself...I've been through hell, eating so little is nothing to me. I can do things now that even shock myself. I'm really much stronger than I thought I was. You know, when you hear about bad things that happen to other people you always say "Oh, I would just die! I could never go through something like that!" but then it happens, to you, and you don't die. You get through it the best you can and keep going. Then you hear about something else happening and you say again, "Oh, I could never get through that! If that happened to me I would just die!" and then it happens, to you, and you don't. You get through it and keep going.

For me it is my faith that gets me through, and knowing that at the end of my life on earth there is a place I am going where 'the bad things' don't exist, where there is unmeasurable joy and happiness, and where I will see my Aidan again. And maybe that sounds corny to other people, but honestly I could not be where I am today, physically, mentally or otherwise without my God. I would be full of hate and sorrow and bitterness. I would be a heavily medicated mess. And I think some people expect me to be that way....but thankfully I'm not. Friends are afraid to talk to me about Aidan and when they do they speak in generalities...but my journey with Aidan was not horrible....I really want to make that clear....My journey with Aidan WAS NOT HORRIBLE. It was the opposite. It was beautiful and wonderful and amazing. It was hard and heartbreaking at times, but it was the best experience of my life. I wouldn't give up one day that I had him and I wouldn't give back one second that I held him. I can't imagine my life without him. He truly was and still IS such a blessing in my life.

I am reading "The Shack" and am almost done with it. It is such a good read. I highly recommend it for anyone. It has a Christian theme so I want to throw that out there, but it's not Christian in a pushy preachy way. It has a great way of showing you the way God loves even in times of tragedy and it sort of gives you the warm fuzzies as you read it. At least it did for me. In all honesty though I started reading it at a good time in my grief. I think had I started to read it right after I had Aidan I might had thrown it on the ground and spouted profanities. LOL. But now I can read it because (I know this is going to come out weird)...I can read it because I have forgiven God for not saving Aidan. Yes, yes, I know how that sounds, like I am above God (which I'm not) but that is the best way I can describe where I am at now. I don't have bitterness or anger and I don't blame....I have forgiven Him because He has forgiven me.

Anyway so that is a quick update of my life and where I'm at currently. Andrew and I are sooo looking forward to Cancun next month and for now we are just putting one foot in front of the other. :-)

***Prayer Request: Please pray for my Grandmother (Barbara) who has Multiple Myeloma (bone cancer), my Aunt (Marri) who has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, my father (Scott) who has diabetes and my sister-in-law (Kayla) who is going in for a surgical procedure this Friday. They are all fighting their battles as best that they can. My Grandma and Marri are to start their therapies the end of this week and my father has started a diabetic diet. Please pray for their strength and perseverance through these battles they have before them. Thank You.****

Love, Me.