Is It Really 2013??

Has it really been almost 6 months since my last post? So much has happened but the time has flown by so where do I begin...

Well my precious Abbey-bird turned 1 on September 5th and she gave us a birthday present by taking her first (unassisted) steps that day too. Within a week and a half she was running around. It's like something just clicked like "I think I'll walk today" and off she went. We had a wonderful party for her with a "Wizard of Oz" theme because she is our Rainbow baby. We hired Dorothy to come and entertain and sign for the kids. I think everyone had a good time and it was such a happy day full of love and gratefulness. 

October was lots of fun planning for Halloween. Abbey had two costumes, Minnie Mouse (whom she is absolutely obsessed with) and Dorothy (of course!). She'll point to the TV or hold her stuffed Minnie up and say "Meme" and will dance to the hot dog song at the end of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She has become quite verbal in her old age; and she's like a parrot. We have to watch what we say all the time now. ;-)

November was wonderful. We went down to visit Andrew's family in St. Louis for Thanksgiving and then spent Christmas here in Dallas. Abbey got the equivalent of an entire Toys R Us store including an electric Mercedes Benz which she still can't operate on her own yet but she'll say "car, car" then "more more" after she climbs into it....which means that we must push her from one side of the house to the other over and over again! LOL.

Miss thing has also entered the terrible twos....a full nine months early! She'll throw herself on the floor and scream and cry if she doesn't get her way. She'll look you in the eyes as she repeatedly does something that she has already been called down about. She is an absolute mess....and I love every bit of her! I love that she has attitude (or Abbey-tude as we call it). I love that she knows what she wants and lets you know it. I hope that she always has that fight, that drive, because you never know what life will throw your way and its that fight that makes a survivor. 

This Christmas was a little bit easier than last year, although I would be lying if I said I didn't think about Aidan every single day and wish he was here with us. We weren't able to visit him on Christmas day because it snowed and iced that day, but we were able to visit him on New Years. His grave as well as all of his friends graves were decorated for Christmas. It's really sweet to see that the Moms and Dads are still remembering their babies....especially the ones who have been gone for several years. It boggles my mind to know that there are so many people who have lost babies that pretend they were never born. I just don't get that at all. How can you push down that kind of hurt? How can you pretend that your child (your flesh) never existed? How can you turn your back on your child like that? I don't think I'll ever understand that. 

Andrew and I between Christmas and New Years (27th - 31st) went to Napa Valley, CA. It was AMAZING!! I now know where I want to retire. We missed our girl terribly (even though she was in good hands with Mimi and Poppi in Dallas) but had an amazing time full of good food and good wine. 

I am looking forward to 2013 to see what it may bring. 2012 was very good to our family. Or perhaps I am just so grateful for everyday that I have with my family that the little annoyances of life just don't seem to matter? Either way, I am excited to find out what 2013 has in store for our family; and I know that good or bad God will be with us we'll get through it, together.

Happy 2013 Everyone!

Love, Me. 

Happy 2nd Birthday Aidan

Before I started this post, I looked at my blog at the little ticker to the right that tracks how long it has been since Aidan and I "said goodbye".... 2  years. How has it been that long? I feel like I just held him. I still remember his baby soft skin and his weight. I loved how chubby he was. How he smelled. How truly beautiful. 

Sometimes when I look back on the pictures of him, of us, it's like I'm looking back remembering someone else's life. I know it happened to me, I feel the emptiness that Aidan left behind in my heart everyday, but some days it's almost unbelievable. I guess that is just my mind trying to numb the pain that quite frankly if I felt all the time I don't think I would be able to function.

I thought the second year would be easier than the first. I don't think it is. Maybe it's because as time moves it pulls me further and further away from the wonderful moment I held him. Maybe it's because since we have Abbey I now really KNOW all that I missed out on with him. Maybe it's because that first year I was in a fog of grief, worry and hope over our pregnancy with our rainbow Abbey and possibly just the "fog" that your mind forces over you when you hurt that much for nothing more than self-preservation. All I know is this year, on what would be Aidan's 2nd Birthday...it is not easier. Not for me. 

This year we organized another Random Act of Kindness Day in honor of Aidan. Last year we had 188 participate, this year we had 375. Some posted what they did on the event page. It was so wonderful seeing so many good works and acts done in memory of Aidan. I am so thankful to so many. The response this year was overwhelming. Perhaps it is that Aidan's story has touched their heart, perhaps it is that now more than ever we recognize that this world is in desperate need of kindness and love or perhaps it is God working through Aidan to, in small ways, heal the world in which we live. Whatever it was that moved so many to do these good works, I am so eternally grateful. Below are just a few of the posts that were on Aidan's Act of Kindness Day event page:

In honor of Aidan, we are donating clothes and toys to a local women's shelter. Happy Birthday Aidan!

Just as I told XXX that I was worried I wouldn't have an opportunity for RAOK, a sweaty man approached me. He showed me his veterans card, and explained he had been out of work and just got a job. He had a flat tire and car was stuck causing traffic jam. Needed $$ for a tow or change. I dunno. He could have been scheming me. He asked for $15 bucks. It was such a small amount I decided to take him at his word and give him all the cash I had.

I am spending my night volunteering to set up for a large community event tomorrow. Happy Birthday sweet boy fly high!!!

My kiddo and I bought the car behind us food in the drive through and made sure to tell the lady at the window that it is act of kindness day and to pay it forward. I felt so good making someone smile. Thank u Aidan!

Connor, my mom and I are about to head to the store to pick up DVDs and stuffed animals to donate to the patients at Children's Hospital at Medical City. It has been a great chance to talk to Connor about doing for others without expecting something in return. We will be thinking of you today, Aidan. You may have been tiny but you left a big impression on this world.

Just returned from Presbyterian Plano Labor and Delivery delivered two dozen cupcakes to the awesome nurses who comfort and care for the born and unborn. For the love of Aidan

Aidan, today lots of strangers got lattes at Starbucks in your honor! Also, the kiddos at the Dallas Children's Advocacy Center got a donation in your name! Happy Birthday Kiddo!

Today I brought in a danish for a co-worker, gummy bears for a friend to cheer her up, and helped an elderly woman with her medical bill.

The Talbott kido's just took 3 large bags full of children's clothes, books and toys and donated them to The Cancer Federation. By the end of the day Ben and I plan to treat a stranger to a gift from us. Happy Birthday, Aidan! Thank you so much for being such an inspiration in so many peoples lives♥

Our RAOK today was to pay for the two cars behind us in the drive-thru. I also had the cashier give them the note above so they understood why. About 10mins later, after driving across the city to run errands, one of the trucks caught up to us, honked, held up the note and said a BIG THANK-YOU! Sweet Aidan's life is putting a smile on so many ppl's faces today!

Today I helped out a homeless person on the side of the road with a cold bottle of water, a granola bar, a couple clean t-shirts. He was more than happy to receive this handout.

Today turned out to be more crazy than I anticipated, so I donate money in Aidan's name to 2 amazing causes - Bake A Wish Austin (they deliver bday cakes to kids in shelters) and to Team Holden (a very sweet family, like y'all, who just lost their son recently) - http://weheartholden.wordpress.com/. Happy Birthday Angel Aidan!

A backpack, school supplies, and a case of diapers will be dropped off at North Kent Community Services this afternoon in honor of sweet baby Aiden. NKCS helps local families in need of food and clothing and are currently collecting backpacks and school supplies to distribute to local children in need for the upcoming school year.

In memory of Aidan, we are donating clothes, toys, and blankets for the children at a local women's shelter. The women's shelter aids women and children who are victims of domestic abuse. We are also making a donation to Rainbow Kitchen which provides nutrition for low income children, families, disabled, and elderly. 
Happy birthday sweet Aidan! Your life is making a huge impact for people everywhere. ♥

Today I woke up with a smile thinking of sweet Aidan. In his honor today, I bought coffee for the car behind me in the drive thru, I took cookies and a thank you balloon to the downtown Dallas fire station, I took my assistant to lunch, and made a donation to March Of Dimes in Aidan's memory. Much Love!

Unsure what to do in memory of Aidan, but the best opportunity was presented to me. I was in Wal-Mart behind a woman obviously distressed when she didn't have enough money to pay for her groceries. The cashier was rather rude and threw the 6 or 7 items in a buggy as the women quietly walked out with her limited items. I didn't say anything, removed them from the buggy, paid for them, and caught the women just as she was leaving. She was with a elderly woman and both of them started crying when I handed them the two sacks. It was only around $10.00, but what a blessing my heart received from doing a good deed. Thank you, Aidan, for helping me think about my many blessings!

Last night I made several crosses, (2 stepping stones and 2 hand-painted wooden crosses) and plan to make more to donate to Maegan and John Ormesher's adoption fund. Two wonderful, loving people who will be amazing parents to a very lucky baby! Hoping to raise at least $100 for their cause: http://ormesherfamilyexpansion.blogspot.com/

I just mailed a check in honor of Aidan to a fund for Rosalie Goodwin, age 3, who nearly drowned 2 months ago in Owasso. Thank you for allowing us to share in Aidan's Act of Kindness Day.

Happy Birthday Aidan. In honor of you I came into work early and cleaned up the neighbors property because their home was crashed into by a careless driver a week or two ago, and they are both elderly and ill so they havent been able to get up all the little pieces of glass and debris. May God Bless your mom and dad and hold you safely in his arms sweet boy.

This morning I made a donation in Aidan's name to ManeGait Therapeutic Horesmanship, a non-profit in Collin County that helps children and adults with disabilities improve their lives.
Happy Birthday Aidan! Thank you for sharing your story and making a difference in the lives of so many!

Happy 2nd Birthday Aidan! I am taking goodies to the optomology surgery center where Emme had her eye surgery as the nurses were so awesome to her! They even dressed her little cat up like a nurse..you would have thought it was so funny! I would never have thought of doing this Aidan if it werent't for you! I love you...

Happy 2nd Birthday Aidan. A little girl named Riley who is 1 is getting a box filled with books,toys,movies and stuffed animals. She only owns 3 toys and lives in Fort Braggs NC....sent in dedication of Baby Aidan. I gave my son an extra kiss on the cheek for you.

I met Amanda on BBC and learned of Aidan's story since we both had the unfortunate loss of our children. I think this is a wonderful way to keep his memory alive! Happy Birthday to you sweet little boy. In memory of you today I made bread to give to a neighbor who lost his wife a few weeks back. I'm sure, as we know, not soon after someone we love passes, the cards and visits stop ... I'm hoping to make his day with a visit. I am also making a donation today to a St Judes Childrens Hospital "putt for life" here in my home town. It's a memorial mini golf outing in near my home for a child that passed away from cancer years back. We participate each year and will do so in Aidans name this weekend. May today be peaceful on you all as you celebrate your little boy.

A man came through the drive through at the Starbucks where I work and in our brief conversation I learned that his 12 year old daughter Mandy was battling leukemia and she was starting to lose her hair. I asked for their address and a few other questions. Her favorite animal is zebra and her favorite color is purple so tomorrow on Aiden's birthday I will be finishing her Zebra striped crochet hat with a purple trim. I will try to post a photo when I finish.

Went to visit Owens grave today, and as I looked around I noticed a grave that wasnt being tended to at all. On Aidans birthday, I am waking up early, bringing all my gardening supplies and pulling all weeds, unnecessary leaves off this mans grave. Making it look beautiful just like my Owen's grave. For the love Of Aidan. Happy Birthday in Heaven.

Volunteered at Childrens Medical Center today in the playroom. Played fuseball, Xbox, dolls, cars, tools and painted with some pretty special kids. Brightened their day and mine!

In memory of Aidan i made lunch for my office, ran their errands, and helped a friend with an IRS problem. Tommorrow im taking the local policemen to breakfast and sending pizza to the local L/D floor for the nurses. May Aidan's star shine bright.

I gave formula we couldn't use to another BBC mom and drove it to her work so she wouldn't have to go out of her way. Also, bought lunch for the person behind us in line. She asked about Aidan and said that she would pay it forward in memory of him (she also hugged me).

I stayed up very late to process images for an angel family to get them in the mail today so that they would arrive in time for their funeral this weekend :).

I bought a car wash for the person behind me at a USMC fund-raiser car wash. Happy Birthday sweet Aidan! Hard to believe it's been two years.

Just wanted to share that I cleaned my Neighbors house while I was there to feed their cat when they were on vacation this week and did it all in memory of your little angel boy!! Hugs

Sunday we took our boat out and was on the lake for all of 5 minutes and there was a stranded boat that another boat near us passed by them. We stopped to help the- they ran out of gas needed to be taken to nearest gas tank but really wanted to be taken back to their dock. Tom decided to take them to their dock. As we were driving it started storming we got them across the lake and they wanted to pay us for the gas we used and I asked them to please do this for someone else that is all the payment we wanted and as we were leaving I looked up in the sky and there was a full rainbow in the midst of the dark clouds. I looked up and said this is for you aiden this is for you. The rainbow lasted about 2 minutes and it never showed again. God is amazing!

Isn't that AMAZING!?! And that is not even all of them! I truly am so thankful and blessed to have so many doing so much....all because of a little boy named Aidan. 

It's days like this that I am reminded of two Bible versus:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan." Ephesians 1:11

I believe that God chose Andrew and me to be Aidan's parents. And although He couldn't stop what would happen to Aidan, He used his death to bring love into the world. God can take something ugly and awful and turn it into something wonderful and He used Aidan's death to do just that. In the two years since his death we have raised over $8,000 for the March of Dimes in Aidan's memory. He has moved others to do random acts of kindness like that mentioned above, to donate to various charities, to appreciate their children more, their husbands and wives and to generally be kinder. Life is such a precious fragile thing and everyday that we are given on this earth is a gift....and Aidan has taught us not to waste it. 

Today baby boy you would be two years old and would be running around opening lots of gifts like toy cars and trucks, dinosaur toys, t-ball sets and legos. But instead on your 2nd Birthday YOU gave the world gifts...You gave the world kindness and love. When I was carrying you you made people call out to God in prayer, to be thankful for their blessings and you brought people closer to Him...and in doing that you changed the world...and now two years after your death you are still changing it, one heart at a time. Aidan, I am so thankful that God sent you to me, I am so proud to be your mother and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. Happy Birthday precious son. I love you and miss you until we are united again. 

For the Love of Aidan

Love, Me

P.S. For Aidan's 2nd Birthday my best friend Bobbi updated Aidan's video...It is so beautiful. I'll love and treasure it always. Aidan's Video

Happy Easter!

Hello,

I can't believe it is April already and Easter is this weekend...and my baby girl...my rainbow is 7 MONTHS OLD TODAY!!!

It seems like yesterday when the Dr's put that sweet girl in my arms. She is such a joy to Andrew and I and I am so thankful for every day that we are together.

We went to the Dr the other day for one of our millionth trips to diagnose yet another ear infection and found out she weighs 18lbs 3 oz! Which seems huge to me, but she really is just a healthy little chunky baby. I love her rolls and I weep for the day that she is long and lean and no longer my baby but a little girl. The past few days I have been putting away her baby clothes (0-6mos) and it makes me sad to see her grow so fast. It's good of course to see her growing and thriving...but I wish she could stay my baby forever...I've already decided I'm moving in with her when she goes to college so I hope she picks a school in a fun city. :-)

This weekend I made a bow holder for her. Another one actually, because her current one just can't take another bow! I think I did a pretty good job!

It's amazing that I actually had time to do this since I work full time and take care of my baby too. I'm just glad miss Abbey goes to bed by 7:30 otherwise I would never be able to make fun stuff like this!

Sorry to cut this short, but I have to go home and pack for our trip to St. Louis. We are visiting Andrew's family and are going on a plane...Abbey's first plane trip! I know she is so excited ;-).

Happy Easter Everyone!! He is RISEN!!

Love, ME. 

It was a busy day at the cemetery...Hello 2012.

Since this is the first weekend after the "holidays" (meaning Christmas and New Years) we went out to visit Aidan to retrieve all of his Christmas decor from his grave, and of course to visit. There were at least 4 cars lined up in front of Lullaby Land where Aidan is buried. It's the baby/child section. All these families were doing the same thing we were; taking the "Merry Christmas" signs or little Christmas trees out from their baby's graves and replacing it with silk flowers or other decor. To see all these families there is both sad and great. It's sad because I hate knowing that all these other people are suffering and hurting because of the death of their children, but its also great because it means that these people are keeping the memory of their kids alive...and I love seeing that. 

When we pulled up we had Abbey with us. We take her out to visit her brother every weekend and read to him and visit. When I saw all the other parents there; some whose child died a year or more ago, some whose child had died in the last couple of months, I wasn't sure whether bringing Abbey out there would be a good thing, or a bad thing for them to see. On one hand I know how much it hurts to see a living baby when you've buried yours; especially those first few months. But on the other hand I remember hearing or knowing about someone having a rainbow baby and I would be so happy for those women. When I saw what I knew was a rainbow baby, as a mom who had lost her baby, I loved it; because it gave me hope that one day I could bring home a living baby too. 

We waited until most of the families were done and were wrapping up and heading toward their cars before heading to Aidan's spot. We past the families and gave a little smile and a nod. I've seen families out there before, but we never speak to anyone. Mostly because I don't know what to say, but also because nothing needs to be said. We all "know" what the other is going through because one of us has been where the other is; or we will be. 

I really hate that Aidan died. Yes, that is kind of a "Duh!" statement, but I really really hate it. I hate that my family will never feel complete. I hate that Abbey will never know her brother. I hate that I am missing seeing him grow up. I hate seeing other people who have a boy and a girl who are close together in age. It stings. I think to myself, "Why do those parents get to see their kids grow up together and I don't?" I am jealous. 

I find myself looking up what Aidan would be doing now. "Your 17 month old is asserting himself in numerous ways: He may be able to take off his own socks or diaper (undressing fully will come later, and putting clothes on a bit after that) and brush his own teeth (though "brushing" at this age means sticking the toothbrush in his mouth and chewing on it, so he continues to need your help). Could toilet training be on the horizon?" Or I'll find myself looking at pictures of some of my friends' kids on facebook and looking for pictures of their kids at the age Aidan would be now. Aidan should be 18 months old the end of this month. He should be 2 years old in July. I can't believe all that I am missing and the more time passes, the more I realize I am missing out on...and I hate it. 

Okay, sorry for being so blah! I don't mean to be such a downer...I've just been having some sad days...and the holidays were bitter sweet.

Abbey is doing so well. We just had our 4 month Dr. appointment on Friday. I can't believe she is already 4 months old. She is 14lbs 5oz and is measuring 25 inches long. 52 percentile for weight. 72 percentile for height and 84 percentile for head circumference. I really thought that she would be in a higher percentile for weight because to me she looks chunkier, but I guess she is right in the middle which is ideal. She eats a ton (4-5oz every 2.5-3hrs) and has started to (mostly) sleep through the night. She is a smiley happy baby and is growing and developing more and more everyday. She can roll over and has started to love her feet. And everything is new and exciting....and apparently needs to go in her mouth. She laughs occasionally, which I love. And she goos and gahhs and gurgles and laas and coos. I feel like she is going to just look at me one day and say "Momma, um ba ba". Ba ba is probably her favorite thing (bottle) so I have no doubt that "Ba" will probably be her first word. 

This past week was our dog Willie's 5th Birthday. Actually Abbey (aka "Toots") and Willie shared their 4 month and 5 year Birthdays on Thursday. We got some great pictures of them together while Willie was eating his birthday burger (which we get him every year). 

This past week was also the first 1st week in January in 2 years where I didn't find out I was pregnant. Which is both great and a little sad. I don't exactly know why it's a little sad. I mean geez I've been pregnant for 2 years in a row, my body needs a rest. I think it has something to do with Aidan. 

Speaking of 2 babies in 2 years, I TOTALLY need to lose weight...again. This time though since I am breastfeeding I can't do anything crazy and have to do it the old fashioned way...by eating right and working out. Yeah, yuck is what I think too! I would much rather starve myself and get quick results...but you can't do that and breastfeed. So, I'm just going to do my best and hope for some kind of horrible stomach bug so I can jump start my diet with some quick weight loss. LOL.

2011 was so great and healing for us. Abbey has brought so much joy to our lives and allowed us to grow in our faith; in God and each other. I truly feel blessed for all that 2011 has brought. I hope that 2012 is good to us....but no matter what I know it will be an adventure.

Love, Me. 

Busy Dizzy Days!

It is official, our sweet Abigail Lyn McCaffrey is here! She was born almost 3 months ago on Labor Day September 5th and has had us running around ever since!

We had an induction scheduled for September 8th, but I started having contractions at around 8:30 a.m. on Labor Day. I kept thinking and hoping actually that it was false labor as I had planned on taking a few days off before the induction to relax...but miss Abbey had other plans. After laboring for several hours her big ole head just was not going to be able come come out the old fashioned way and her heartbeat started to drop. Finally we rushed in for an emergency C-section and out she came screaming at the top of her lungs and beautifully pink and chubby. She was born at 4:15pm, 8lbs 5oz and 18.5 inches long....and she was perfect!

Since then we have been struggling with breastfeeding (now I pump exclusively), learning to lift our head up, starting to coo, smile, grab at things, loves looking in the mirror and is the biggest flirt....especially when it comes to Daddy.

I am so in love with this little girl I can't tell you. She makes getting up in the morning easier, her cries don't bother me, who cares about dirty diapers or thousands of bottles to clean...I love everything about her and am so blessed to have her in my life.

I'm starting back to work on Monday (December 5th)...and I am dreading it. Mostly because she will start daycare and a complete stranger will be taking my place. Someone else will be getting those smiles, those coos. Someone else will be holding her when she cries. Someone else will get the first steps, the first words...and I hate that. I love my job, I do, but I love her more. I wish there was a way to do both, but there isn't. I know this is the plight of every working mother, and I'm certainly not the first to have these feelings, but none the less. It hurts.

The lady who will be watching her is very capable and I know will take good care of her...it just stinks that it won't be me.

We just got back from visiting Andrew's parents/family up in St. Louis for Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful time and was so glad that Abbey got to meet everyone....but even in the midst of all the happiness over Abbey...in the pit of my stomach was the gnawing that something wasn't right...something was missing....and it was Aidan. I guess that will never go away...especially around the holidays. I kept thinking that she and her brother should be playing together, that Aidan should be playing with his cousin Shields as they would have been only 3 months apart. I hate that he is gone.

We have adopted a little boy from the Salvation Army Angel Tree. His name is David. He is 1 year old. We adopted this boy in honor of Aidan, as Aidan would have been 1 year this Christmas and we are planning to adopt a child the age Aidan would have been in the Christmases to come. I want this little boy to get the Christmas that he deserves...a Christmas as good as I would have made for Aidan.

I can't believe that it will be December in a few days. Time certainly moves quickly. We have planned Abbey's baptism for this Sunday and the whole family (including several members from my husband's family in St. Louis) will be there to celebrate. Abbey will be wearing the McCaffrey family christening gown which dates back to the Civil War. She will wear this to the baptism and immediately after at the reception at my parents house Abbey will be wearing a christening gown identical to the one Aidan was buried in. My mom had a beautiful christening gown made for Aidan in Ireland, ivory silk trimmed in blue. When she found out we were having Abbey she contacted the company from which she had ordered Aidan's gown in order to request one for Abbey, but the company had gone out of business. Well, she contacted the dress maker directly and spoke to her, telling her about Aidan, all we had been through and about Abbey. She agreed to make one more gown....one for Abbey. It looks just like her brothers, but instead of being trimmed in blue, it is trimmed in pink. I am so excited for my sweet girl and her big day.

I can't believe that I have been home for 3 months, that my baby girl is already (or will be in less than a week) 3 months old. I don't want her to get big. I want her to stay a baby forever. :-(

Well Ms Abbey has decided to get up from her nap and is requesting a ba ba (bottle)...Oh how I love this girl!

What is a Rainbow?

And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.” Genesis 12-15.

If you have lost a child, you already know what a "Rainbow" is.... it is the name for the child that is born after the child you lost. Your "Rainbow Baby" is a symbol that God has healed your heart enough to open it up to love again, that God has been true to the covenant... that He has not let 'the flood' destroy you.

Many of my family and friends have known for a while now...but for some reason I just haven't posted it here yet.... but here is my Rainbow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSbRQFO7SIw&feature=player_embedded

This is our Rainbow... Abigail Lyn McCaffrey!! She is due September 10th, 2011... 9/10/11!!

We have been through every test and ultrasound imaginable and she so far is perfect!! We are so incredibly blessed to have her join our family, and know that her big brother Aidan is looking over her everyday.

God is good.

Love,

Me.

July 27th, 2011 - One Year

On July 27th 2010 my sweet angel Aidan came into this world. He was perfect and beautiful and was immediately born into the arms of Jesus. I have never loved anything as much as I love him.

I held him for 7 wonderful hours and studied his every feature. I can still remember how his skin smelled his weight in my arms, the softness of his skin and hair and his little chubby cheeks and appendages. He looked so much like his daddy with a little of me and my family sprinkled in.

I can't believe that it has been now over 1 year since he was born. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and others it seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it is almost unreal all that Andrew and I have been through; sometimes I wake up in the morning and still can't believe I buried my son. And still, over a year later, I still cry everyday for him. I still miss him so much it physically hurts. I still would give my life for his if given the choice. I still have a chunk of my heart missing.

This year I took the day off of work. I had fully intended on writing in Aidan's journal, looking at pictures and ultrasound video and crying and laying in bed all day....but I didn't. My family and I started "Kindness Day in Memory of Aidan Jackson McCaffrey - July 27, 2010". We asked all of our friends and family to do one kind thing in memory of Aidan. It didn't have to be huge, or cost a dime, all we asked is that people do one nice thing to honor my son. I was so touched by how many people participated. People gave blood, donated money to charitable organizations, bought co-worker's lunch, donated canned goods to local shelters, picked up trash, helped another with their luggage at the airport, paid someone elses toll and countless other things. It was so wonderful.

I myself took 6 dozen cookies up to the Labor and Delivery Floor of the hospital where Aidan was born. My mother and I dropped off the cookies at the nurses station and explained to them all about Aidan, about how he was born here last year, about how he went to be with Jesus and about how wonderful all the nurses were to us. We wanted them to know that although they might not get the thank you they deserve everyday, they are valued and can touch people's lives and hearts, even when they don't know it. When we started to talk about Aidan I couldn't help but start to cry. I could see the room where he was delivered out of the corner of my eye, and so many memories came flooding back. I remember being wheeled in while having contractions. I remember seeing a flower on the back of a neighboring door knowing that soon I would have a flower on my door too. (flowers on a hospital door in the L&D ward mean there has been a death). I remember how cold that room was, about how quiet and peaceful it was when Aidan was born. I remembered how reverent everyone was in that room, how precious and sacred it was. How even though Andrew and I had tears streaming down our face we were smiling while holding our son. We were so happy to meet him and couldn't believe we had created something so beautiful and amazing.

I was so glad that I went to thank the nurses. I have thought about them often, especially Jodie who was my day nurse and was there when Aidan was born. She was an angel and I truly believe that God chose her to be with me on that day; I couldn't have asked for a better or kinder nurse.

So even now, 1 year later I miss my son terribly. But even now, 1 year later, Aidan is still changing the world, touching the hearts and minds to be better, to be kinder. The light of his life has yet to be extinguished, because it lives on through the goodness and actions of others done in Aidan's name.

One of the themes of Kindess Day was "Be the Change you Want to See in the World!!" Aidan made me a better person, a better wife, a better daughter, and better mother and I'm not going to let him down. I promised him that I would make him proud to be mine, that I wouldn't fail him... and I'm going to keep my promise.

Love, Me.