Yesterday was Christmas. It was a about as good as it could have been. I woke up early around 7:30 (I just can't sleep anymore and always wake up early even when I don't have to) got cleaned up and went and visited Aidan. We took Willie with us and dressed him in his Christmas sweater (yes, I am one of those people who puts clothes on their dogs; Willie is my only living child so whatever). He looked so cute. We brought a book with us called "You are my miracle" and read it to Aidan. It was very very cold yesterday and the wind was blowing fairly hard. The oak tree above Aidan's grave was practically bald from losing all of its leaves; leaves which no one cleans up, so I was constantly brushing off and pulling out leaves from Aidan's Christmas Arrangement. I also try and clean up the other kids' graves that are around him, I know they would do the same for Aidan. It seemed so strange to be at a cemetery on Christmas, but that is my life now. Other people on Christmas get up early make coffee and watch their children open up their gifts...I go to the cemetery and visit my son.
This was the first time that Andrew and I have brought Willie to visit Aidan and if other people had been there we wouldn't have actually taken Willie out of the car, but since no one was there and it was Christmas my sweet Willie joined us at Aidan's grave. This was the first time my entire family was together since July when Aidan was in my belly. I know Willie would have loved Aidan. He is such a gentle dog and doesn't mind it when the neighbor kids pull his ears; he just licks their faces and hands and will let them rub and love on him as much as they want. I know that Willie would have been the same with Aidan and once he would start to eat solid food, he would have been Aidan's best friend! :-) Willie is such a mooch and loves all people food (except for Asparagus and Spinach) so I know he would have been stationed under his highchair eating all the cheerios or other foods falling to the floor and would be jumping (literally) at the chance to lick Aidan's food filled face before I could wipe it. Not only did Andrew and I lose out on memories....but Willie did too.
We walked Willie to the back of Lullaby Land where Aidan is and as soon as we got there Willie went straight to Aidan's headstone and started licking and sniffing it. He passed by all the other head stones and went straight to Aidan's. It was as if he knew that his brother was there. I immediately started bawling and so did Andrew. We held Willie and talked to Aidan and read him his story. We told him how much we missed him and how this Christmas was supposed to be different. We told him how much we loved him and how we wished we could be together. How much his Mimi and Poppy miss him and love him and that we hope his Christmas in heaven is wonderful.....It was heartbreaking to be there, but it was wonderful because my whole family was there....together on Christmas.
We then piled back in the car and went home to open gifts. Santa Paws came for Willie (that's the Santa for dogs) and he brought him some bones shaped like candy canes, a new Christmas sweater, 2 new babies (stuffed reindeer that squeak) and some doggie cookies. He was very excited. Andrew got a new XBox 360 with Kinect from my mom and I bought him some games to go with it. He bought me Band Hero and a dance game and we spent the morning playing with our new toys....Yes, we are in our 30's...don't judge.
Finally around 1:00 we put away our new toys and started getting dinner ready. We hosted Christmas dinner this year for my parents and my uncle. My brother and his wife couldn't make it because my sister in law works retail and had to work the day before and the day after Christmas and they live in Oklahoma. It really sucked not having them here....especially since I made enough food for 10 people....I just don't know how to cook for a small number. This was our menu below...
Appetizers
Crab Cakes
Raspberry Chipotle Cheese Dip
Mushroom Whatnots
Chile Cheese Squares
Jarlsberg Bacon Dip
Main
Ham
Grilled Asparagus
Grilled Vegetable Salad with Bacon
Green Bean Casserole
Potato Casserole
Rolls
Dessert
Assorted Homemade Cookies/Candies
Chocolate Mousse
Coffee
Regular
Holiday Coffee (Baileys and Tuaca)
I think I have about 20 pounds of leftovers in my garage refrigerator, but everything turned out wonderful!
We cooked and created all day, then we ate, drank and watched two classic Christmas movies with my family, Christmas Vacation and Bad Santa. Finally when everyone was stuffed to the gills my parents and uncle went home and it was just Andrew, Willie and Me. We cuddled up on the couch with some wine and a movie and with the quiet filling our house I fell asleep. It was a good Christmas....as good as it could have been without my Aidan.
Love, Me.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
What is "Normal"?
What is "Normal"?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of my baby's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
-Author Unknown
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of my baby's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
-Author Unknown
Love, Me.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
It's beginning to look a lot like....BAA HUMBUG!!!
Hello All,
Thanksgiving this year was the worst of my life. It should have been happy, I should have had Aidan with me, but instead Andrew and I spent it apart. Him in St. Louis and I in Oklahoma. Both my and Andrew's Thanksgivings were equally horrible. I got to listen to my family talk about my cousin's kids and all that they have been up to, including stories about her baby boy who was born a month after I had Aidan (like I really needed those anecdotes) and Andrew got to listen to all kinds of baby talk because his sister is pregnant and is due in January. I think that Andrew and I would both agree that we would have rather been in our own house maintaining a solid and sustainable drunk for all of the Thanksgiving weekend. I'm just glad that neither of us actually acted on our inner thoughts and no one got Bitch Slapped or severely tongue lashed.
I'm not saying that those stories and that happiness that our families felt the need to expose us to can't happen. I'm all for people talking about baby stuff and being happy....just not around me. When I'm not around please by all means talk about showers or cute things they did or said or boppys, but when I'm there, please talk about something else. Anything...the death penalty...your recent cake ball recipe...how Night at the Museum 2 was just not as good as the original...ANYTHING ELSE!! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a time warp, or the twilight zone when people talk about baby stuff around me, I just want to say SERIOUSLY!?!? or like that SNL skit "REALLY?!!? REALLY?!!". I digress...
Now were are on to Christmas. I have to friggin force myself to be in the Christmas spirit which really sucks. I usually love Christmas, I love baking and going to parties and sweaters and all of that. Now I have to force myself to at least pretend to be joyful. Forcing myself to do things has been a theme in my life these days. Forcing myself to smile. Forcing myself to be happy for other people. Forcing myself to take care of my house and myself. My hope is that one day I won't have to force myself to do any of these things, that after a while I will want to do those things and it will happen naturally. Although, I don't really know when that is going to happen...I don't think any time soon.
We went out and visited Aidan this past Sunday. I can't remember whether I have mentioned it before, but Aidan is buried in "Lullaby Land" which is a section only for children who die younger than 2 years old. Now that it is the holiday season parents are starting to decorate their children's graves with poinsettias and red green and white flowers and other holiday things. My mother had a grave blanket made for him (see picture below). It is just beautiful. I laughed to my mom when I told her how beautiful it was on the phone and how he had the biggest and most extravagant grave decoration out there. It reminded me of when I was little. My mother never under does anything, she has always been an over doer, and to her credit I believe that she has rubbed off on me a little in that department.
I always had the best birthday parties, the most presents, the nicest clothes, in my mother's eyes nothing was too good for me. I remember for my 11th birthday my mom took 10 girls to Six Flags and she had matching shirts and sun visors made for everyone to wear. I was in pageants when I was little and always had custom dresses made so no one else had anything like my dress. When I was in 5th grade most of my clothes came from a store called Animal Crackers where the average cost of an outfit was around $300 (and yes that was back in the late 80's early 90's) and I had an outfit that even had a name "Star Wars". I always had private lessons in cheerleading or gymnastics. I had a brand new Chevy Camero when I turned 16 and my homecoming dress my senior year in high school was a Bob Mackie original. I have to say that when I was little I did not truly appreciate all that she did for me, in fact I was almost embarrassed due to the fact that several kids were mean to me because of jealousy, but now that I'm older the extravagant things that she did for me and the sacrifices that she made for me are what I remember most. The fact that she went without new clothes so that I could have ones named "Star Wars", that she would take me to have my nails and hair professionally done at 12 and she would color her hair in the sink at home; that she would use grocery money she had saved or money from her rental property on my private gymnastics lessons rather than on herself. I love you mom.
I really have the best mom in the world and I know that if Aidan had lived, he would have been the most spoiled child ever because not only would he have been spoiled by Andrew and me, but by my mother as well...and even though that chance may have been taken away, we are still taking every opportunity to spoil him....he is the only child out there with a huge arrangement and a granite lined bronze vase (not in the picture under the grave blanket).
**I know the pictures aren't very clear. His marker says "Aidan Jackson McCaffrey July 27, 2010 "For this child I prayed" 1 Sam. 1:27" His neighbors are Sebastian to his left and Olivia to his right. They both passed away in June.**
In other news, my grandma is almost done with her Chemo and the last blood test showed that she is 1 point from remission. We are all so thrilled and thankful that she will have more time with us. My aunt is progressing in her treatment and has had a double mastectomy and is just starting her Chemo, so please keep her in your prayers.
So, I guess this brings me to the end of yet another random post. Forgive me if it is disjointed, I started and had to come back to it several times. :-) I really hope that your holiday season is better than mine...looking forward to a better 2011.
Love, Me.
Thanksgiving this year was the worst of my life. It should have been happy, I should have had Aidan with me, but instead Andrew and I spent it apart. Him in St. Louis and I in Oklahoma. Both my and Andrew's Thanksgivings were equally horrible. I got to listen to my family talk about my cousin's kids and all that they have been up to, including stories about her baby boy who was born a month after I had Aidan (like I really needed those anecdotes) and Andrew got to listen to all kinds of baby talk because his sister is pregnant and is due in January. I think that Andrew and I would both agree that we would have rather been in our own house maintaining a solid and sustainable drunk for all of the Thanksgiving weekend. I'm just glad that neither of us actually acted on our inner thoughts and no one got Bitch Slapped or severely tongue lashed.
I'm not saying that those stories and that happiness that our families felt the need to expose us to can't happen. I'm all for people talking about baby stuff and being happy....just not around me. When I'm not around please by all means talk about showers or cute things they did or said or boppys, but when I'm there, please talk about something else. Anything...the death penalty...your recent cake ball recipe...how Night at the Museum 2 was just not as good as the original...ANYTHING ELSE!! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a time warp, or the twilight zone when people talk about baby stuff around me, I just want to say SERIOUSLY!?!? or like that SNL skit "REALLY?!!? REALLY?!!". I digress...
Now were are on to Christmas. I have to friggin force myself to be in the Christmas spirit which really sucks. I usually love Christmas, I love baking and going to parties and sweaters and all of that. Now I have to force myself to at least pretend to be joyful. Forcing myself to do things has been a theme in my life these days. Forcing myself to smile. Forcing myself to be happy for other people. Forcing myself to take care of my house and myself. My hope is that one day I won't have to force myself to do any of these things, that after a while I will want to do those things and it will happen naturally. Although, I don't really know when that is going to happen...I don't think any time soon.
We went out and visited Aidan this past Sunday. I can't remember whether I have mentioned it before, but Aidan is buried in "Lullaby Land" which is a section only for children who die younger than 2 years old. Now that it is the holiday season parents are starting to decorate their children's graves with poinsettias and red green and white flowers and other holiday things. My mother had a grave blanket made for him (see picture below). It is just beautiful. I laughed to my mom when I told her how beautiful it was on the phone and how he had the biggest and most extravagant grave decoration out there. It reminded me of when I was little. My mother never under does anything, she has always been an over doer, and to her credit I believe that she has rubbed off on me a little in that department.
I always had the best birthday parties, the most presents, the nicest clothes, in my mother's eyes nothing was too good for me. I remember for my 11th birthday my mom took 10 girls to Six Flags and she had matching shirts and sun visors made for everyone to wear. I was in pageants when I was little and always had custom dresses made so no one else had anything like my dress. When I was in 5th grade most of my clothes came from a store called Animal Crackers where the average cost of an outfit was around $300 (and yes that was back in the late 80's early 90's) and I had an outfit that even had a name "Star Wars". I always had private lessons in cheerleading or gymnastics. I had a brand new Chevy Camero when I turned 16 and my homecoming dress my senior year in high school was a Bob Mackie original. I have to say that when I was little I did not truly appreciate all that she did for me, in fact I was almost embarrassed due to the fact that several kids were mean to me because of jealousy, but now that I'm older the extravagant things that she did for me and the sacrifices that she made for me are what I remember most. The fact that she went without new clothes so that I could have ones named "Star Wars", that she would take me to have my nails and hair professionally done at 12 and she would color her hair in the sink at home; that she would use grocery money she had saved or money from her rental property on my private gymnastics lessons rather than on herself. I love you mom.
I really have the best mom in the world and I know that if Aidan had lived, he would have been the most spoiled child ever because not only would he have been spoiled by Andrew and me, but by my mother as well...and even though that chance may have been taken away, we are still taking every opportunity to spoil him....he is the only child out there with a huge arrangement and a granite lined bronze vase (not in the picture under the grave blanket).
In other news, my grandma is almost done with her Chemo and the last blood test showed that she is 1 point from remission. We are all so thrilled and thankful that she will have more time with us. My aunt is progressing in her treatment and has had a double mastectomy and is just starting her Chemo, so please keep her in your prayers.
So, I guess this brings me to the end of yet another random post. Forgive me if it is disjointed, I started and had to come back to it several times. :-) I really hope that your holiday season is better than mine...looking forward to a better 2011.
Love, Me.
Monday, November 8, 2010
One Hundred Percent
“A Pair of Shoes”
Author Unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
Yesterday and today have been hard. We went to visit Aidan's grave yesterday on our way home from our friends wedding weekend in Ft. Worth. They are finally done with installing everything. The last thing they installed was a granite base around Aidan's flower urn. Everything just looks beautiful. It was chilly yesterday, but the sun was out. The weather here in Texas is that where it is cold in the shade but nice in the sun because you can still feel some warmth. Aidan's grave is under a tree and so he gets the morning sun and the afternoon shade.
As we walked up to his grave I started to cry, as I normally do, and then as we got closer I couldn't catch my breath and couldn't stop. It's been a little over 3 months since we had him, 3 months since we buried him. As I looked down on his headstone I couldn't help but think about his beautiful face and precious hands, his chubby little body and how all of this is in a box just below my feet. All that was Aidan is boxed up. Boxed up in a casket, in a photo album, in a shadow box, in an "Aidan" file on my computer and in my email box. I hate boxes.
We read him a story. We read the Dr. Seuss story of Horton Hatches the Egg. I had never read this before and I just loved it. I love how he promised to protect the egg and continued to sit on the egg through all kinds of trouble and torment and kept repeating "I meant what I said and I said what I meant, And an elephant's faithful, one hundred per cent!" It reminded me of me and Aidan. When I was blessed with Aidan I promised him and God that I would take care of him and love him and even through the storm we battled together I did what I said I would. I carried him and loved him and cared for him as long as God allowed me to. I did what I said and I said what I meant, And I was faithful one hundred per cent. After our story I laid myself on top of Aidan's grave and sobbed. I laid my cheek across the cold granite of his headstone and laid my body on top of the ground outstretched my arms and sobbed for my son. I wanted to reach down through the earth and bring him up and hold him again. I wanted my son back.
Each day it is a tiny bit easier, but there are still days like Sunday when the pain still feels fresh. As the holidays approach I am so afraid of the pain that lurks behind every corner. It hurts my heart to read about the family holiday parties planned in my neighborhood, to read about other people's plans with their children. I am dreading the Christmas cards of new babies. If there was a way to block seeing babies or pregnant women on the street, on T.V. or any other place I would. I just don't want to see it. I don't want to be reminded of what I have lost, but no matter what I do I can't escape it. Everywhere I go there they are, mothers pushing strollers, parents talking about their kids, there is no where to hide. I want to much to go up to them and say..."I'm a mother too! Can I tell you about my son? About how beautiful he was?" but no one wants to hear about that, no one wants to know that babies die. So I watch the other mothers push their strollers around the neighborhood, or run after their toddler darting into the street and I nod and smile and keep it all inside and hope that one day it won't hurt so much.
So, I continue to pray for better days, to pray for the health of my ailing family and to pray for healing for my aching heart.
Love, Me.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Oh Sun...I miss you so!!
We are back from Mexico. We got back last Saturday. We had an amazing time. It is just so beautiful there. Neither myself nor Andrew had been to Cancun before. We've been to Cozumel but not Cancun...and Wow what a difference! Cancun has the most beautiful water, white sand beaches the water is so warm. We stayed at the Riu Palace Las Americas, an all-inclusive resort. It had a great beach, the food and drinks were good and we got a great deal for a weeks stay. The only 'excursion' we did was a day trip to Isla Mujeres on a Catamaran including a stop for snorkeling. I love swimming in the ocean and watching the fish and sea creatures swimming. It is so calming just floating there while the waves move up and down over the top of you meanwhile below the surface it is calm and beautiful.
I am a member of a couple of groups who have endured baby loss. Before going to Cancun I had asked if any of the mom's would like their baby's names written in the sand. I had 28 responses! I was so glad that we had so many to write and with each one that we did I tried so hard to make it perfect. To people who haven't lost a child this might seem weird, pictures of names...they are just words...but to those of us who have buried our children this is all we have. All we have are pictures, memories, names...We can't hold our baby each day, we can change them, feed them, love them, look into their eyes...we can't make any more memories with our children, and pictures of our child's name are ways that we can continue to make memories and to remember them and how wonderful they were.
This weekend is our friends Jamie and Lee's wedding. Andrew and I are both in the wedding (groomsman/bridesmaid) and I know it will be so much fun...albeit a bit chilly. The highs for this weekend are in the 60's and everything is going to be outside. They'll have heaters so it will be fine, but it is just such a shock from being in Mexico....I'm like I was in 80 degree weather a week ago, where did all of this cold come from? I've had to raid my guestroom closets for my sweaters and wool pants.....I miss the warm weather, the beach and the sun!!
We laid out near the pool or beach everyday. It was so relaxing just to lay on the beach, listen to the waves and read a good book or take a nap....I also miss the incredible salsas and guacamole which I ate everyday at every meal...including breakfast.
Thanksgiving is coming up, and Andrew and I will be spending it apart. :-( Andrew and I split up holidays with our families. Last year we did Thanksgiving with my family and did Christmas with his family. So this year we are supposed to go to St. Louis to spend Thanksgiving with Andrew's family. When we found out we were pregnant we both had planned on taking the entire week of Thanksgiving off of work and driving up to visit his family with Aidan spending as much 'family time' as possible....Well the best way to make God laugh is to tell him your plans. Needless to say that won't be happening this year. In fact, we aren't going to be in the same state. I will be in Tulsa with my family and my grandparents, and Andrew will be in St. Louis with his family. My grandmother isn't doing very well with her chemotherapy so I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I'm hoping to be able to visit her next weekend if she is feeling up to it.
My grandma is an amazing cook. Most if not all of her recipes are those she learned growing up from her mother, friends or from church cookbooks and most are either in her head or written down on little pieces of paper that she keeps in a drawer in her kitchen. I don't want those recipes to leave with her, some of which are from her grandmother (my great great grandmother) so my hope is to be able to visit her next weekend and get all her recipes and my computer to write down those that are not written down and make our family a cookbook to hand out for Christmas. I'm going to include some of mine and my mothers too....especially my mother's special "Spaghetti a la Jan" (this includes cooking frozen meatballs from a bag, cooking spaghetti and pouring on jarred tomato sauce; if you want to fancy it up then you can sprinkle on some Kraft parmesan cheese) ~ sorry mom I had to..LOL).
OK, now I'm rambling....
Hope you have a good weekend and thanks for reading!
Love, Me.
I am a member of a couple of groups who have endured baby loss. Before going to Cancun I had asked if any of the mom's would like their baby's names written in the sand. I had 28 responses! I was so glad that we had so many to write and with each one that we did I tried so hard to make it perfect. To people who haven't lost a child this might seem weird, pictures of names...they are just words...but to those of us who have buried our children this is all we have. All we have are pictures, memories, names...We can't hold our baby each day, we can change them, feed them, love them, look into their eyes...we can't make any more memories with our children, and pictures of our child's name are ways that we can continue to make memories and to remember them and how wonderful they were.
This weekend is our friends Jamie and Lee's wedding. Andrew and I are both in the wedding (groomsman/bridesmaid) and I know it will be so much fun...albeit a bit chilly. The highs for this weekend are in the 60's and everything is going to be outside. They'll have heaters so it will be fine, but it is just such a shock from being in Mexico....I'm like I was in 80 degree weather a week ago, where did all of this cold come from? I've had to raid my guestroom closets for my sweaters and wool pants.....I miss the warm weather, the beach and the sun!!
We laid out near the pool or beach everyday. It was so relaxing just to lay on the beach, listen to the waves and read a good book or take a nap....I also miss the incredible salsas and guacamole which I ate everyday at every meal...including breakfast.
Thanksgiving is coming up, and Andrew and I will be spending it apart. :-( Andrew and I split up holidays with our families. Last year we did Thanksgiving with my family and did Christmas with his family. So this year we are supposed to go to St. Louis to spend Thanksgiving with Andrew's family. When we found out we were pregnant we both had planned on taking the entire week of Thanksgiving off of work and driving up to visit his family with Aidan spending as much 'family time' as possible....Well the best way to make God laugh is to tell him your plans. Needless to say that won't be happening this year. In fact, we aren't going to be in the same state. I will be in Tulsa with my family and my grandparents, and Andrew will be in St. Louis with his family. My grandmother isn't doing very well with her chemotherapy so I want to spend as much time with her as possible. I'm hoping to be able to visit her next weekend if she is feeling up to it.
My grandma is an amazing cook. Most if not all of her recipes are those she learned growing up from her mother, friends or from church cookbooks and most are either in her head or written down on little pieces of paper that she keeps in a drawer in her kitchen. I don't want those recipes to leave with her, some of which are from her grandmother (my great great grandmother) so my hope is to be able to visit her next weekend and get all her recipes and my computer to write down those that are not written down and make our family a cookbook to hand out for Christmas. I'm going to include some of mine and my mothers too....especially my mother's special "Spaghetti a la Jan" (this includes cooking frozen meatballs from a bag, cooking spaghetti and pouring on jarred tomato sauce; if you want to fancy it up then you can sprinkle on some Kraft parmesan cheese) ~ sorry mom I had to..LOL).
OK, now I'm rambling....
Hope you have a good weekend and thanks for reading!
Love, Me.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Checking In...
So I haven't posted in a while and I thought that I should stop by and give a brief run down of what I've been doing...(and I'm bored a work so kill two birds you know?). Anyway...
October 2nd was the Walk to Remember here in Dallas. This is put on by M.E.N.D (Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death). Essentially it is a ceremony and day of remembrance for all of the babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. We were told to bring any memorabilia of our children that we wanted and put them on display. I put together a scrapbook for Aidan and a shadow box that had his onesie in it, the envelope with the lock of his hair, the shell that Andrew used to baptize him, his little hat, his baby blanket, his hospital bracelet, a clay impression of his little hand and a couple of pictures of him. I'm so glad that those items aren't in a box anymore. It was a very emotional day. There were over 300 people there. Moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters all there to remember the little ones lost. Some wore T-shirts that had pictures of the babies, or had the names and birthdays of the babies on the back and then "Sam's Mommy" on the front or "Sam's Grandma". The T-shirts would bring me to tears in an instant, not so much because it was sad, but because it was so sweet that they were being remembered. Some people were remembering children that they lost in the 90's, some just months ago and some had several losses that they were remembering. That really got to me. In one part of the ceremony that they give you a Christmas ornament with your child's name on it and then they call your name and the name of your baby and you walk up and but the ornament on a tree. For example "Amanda and Andrew McCaffrey remembering Aidan Jackson, July 27th, 2010". Then we walked up and put his ornament on the tree. But some of the moms and dads had multiple losses, and not early miscarriages either, some had miscarriages, and multiple full term losses and even older child losses. That just broke my heart...but it also was inspiring because that meant that even as those parents endured loss after loss...they kept trying. They never gave up hope or faith that one day they would have a healthy baby, and for the majority of these parents they did. It was great to see all the little babies there. In the baby loss world the children that are born after a child's death are called "Rainbow Babies". There were so many little Rainbows there; some even had little shirts made that said "I'm mommy's rainbow" or "I'm Sam's little sister".
October 9th Andrew, Me and my best friend Bobbi and her daughter Emme did a 5k for Children's Medical Center. It was lots of fun (and I really needed the exercise) :-). There were several teams there who were running for a child who had died or better, who had lived, who had been saved by the Doctors and Nurses at CMC. There was one father of a little boy who died of childhood cancer at 2 and he held up a huge sign above his head for the entire 3.1 miles that he walked with his family. I have to elaborate here because it wasn't like a little poster board or anything, it was at least 4 feet long and had two big wooden sticks on the end. It had pictures of his son all over it and his name and he held it up above his head the entire time...Just try to hold your arms out straight at your sides even for a few minutes...now imagine doing that for an hour. I just have to say, What an amazing man!
This week the Chilean Mine Workers were rescued from their cave (in case you were orbiting the planet the last week and haven't watched the news). I watched as much of the rescues as I could, it was so awesome and each one brought tears to my eyes. Why are you mentioning this you are wondering? The reason I am mentioning this is because this story was so amazing to me. These men were trapped for 2 months 1/2 mile underground living on nothing but a teaspoon of tuna, a pinched off piece of bread and water every two days. They had no idea whether they were going to be saved, whether anyone up above was even looking for them and the whole time they kept praying to God to save them. The whole time...in the darkest time of their lives they prayed and prayed and never gave up hope...and He answered their prayers. It really was a living miracle. When interviewed the miners said that there weren't 33 men down there, there were 34 and when the interviewer asked who the 34th person was they responded..."God is here. God is with us." How amazing is that? And when they were rescued it wasn't the hugs from wives or children that made me tear up...it was when their mothers would run up to them and grabbed them and kissed them. I would just start bawling. Why? Because they got what I never did...they got a miracle...their son's came back from the dead. These mothers were told that their sons were dead, that they couldn't find them, that there was no hope. Imagine that. You have been told that your son in dead. You have started making arrangements for memorial services, grieving his death, praying to God to bring him back....and then you get a call weeks later that says, he's alive and that he is going to be saved. These mothers got the call that I wanted....this week 33 mothers got their sons back...33 mothers' hearts weren't broken....33 mothers received a miracle.
This weekend we are going to spend some time with good friends of ours who live in Ft. Worth. They are getting married and we were unable to go to their bachelor/bachelorette festivities because of the pregnancy and its complications so we are going to try and make up for it with a fun weekend...and because we haven't seen this couple in a while and we always have such a good time with them :-).
We leave a week from tomorrow to go to Mexico...Alleluia! And to date I have lost 26lbs. and 26inches all over my body. So hopefully I won't get harpooned by any of the fishermen while I am laying on the beach!LOL.
Please pray for my grandma and aunt as they battle their cancers. My grandma has started her chemotherapy and it seems to be working. Unfortunately they say that she will have to go through this for the rest of her life. I just pray that she won't be in any pain and that she can handle it well enough to go into remission so she can at least have 6-8 months without treatments. I'm not ready to lose her yet God. Please don't take her yet.
Love, Me.
October 2nd was the Walk to Remember here in Dallas. This is put on by M.E.N.D (Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death). Essentially it is a ceremony and day of remembrance for all of the babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. We were told to bring any memorabilia of our children that we wanted and put them on display. I put together a scrapbook for Aidan and a shadow box that had his onesie in it, the envelope with the lock of his hair, the shell that Andrew used to baptize him, his little hat, his baby blanket, his hospital bracelet, a clay impression of his little hand and a couple of pictures of him. I'm so glad that those items aren't in a box anymore. It was a very emotional day. There were over 300 people there. Moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters all there to remember the little ones lost. Some wore T-shirts that had pictures of the babies, or had the names and birthdays of the babies on the back and then "Sam's Mommy" on the front or "Sam's Grandma". The T-shirts would bring me to tears in an instant, not so much because it was sad, but because it was so sweet that they were being remembered. Some people were remembering children that they lost in the 90's, some just months ago and some had several losses that they were remembering. That really got to me. In one part of the ceremony that they give you a Christmas ornament with your child's name on it and then they call your name and the name of your baby and you walk up and but the ornament on a tree. For example "Amanda and Andrew McCaffrey remembering Aidan Jackson, July 27th, 2010". Then we walked up and put his ornament on the tree. But some of the moms and dads had multiple losses, and not early miscarriages either, some had miscarriages, and multiple full term losses and even older child losses. That just broke my heart...but it also was inspiring because that meant that even as those parents endured loss after loss...they kept trying. They never gave up hope or faith that one day they would have a healthy baby, and for the majority of these parents they did. It was great to see all the little babies there. In the baby loss world the children that are born after a child's death are called "Rainbow Babies". There were so many little Rainbows there; some even had little shirts made that said "I'm mommy's rainbow" or "I'm Sam's little sister".
October 9th Andrew, Me and my best friend Bobbi and her daughter Emme did a 5k for Children's Medical Center. It was lots of fun (and I really needed the exercise) :-). There were several teams there who were running for a child who had died or better, who had lived, who had been saved by the Doctors and Nurses at CMC. There was one father of a little boy who died of childhood cancer at 2 and he held up a huge sign above his head for the entire 3.1 miles that he walked with his family. I have to elaborate here because it wasn't like a little poster board or anything, it was at least 4 feet long and had two big wooden sticks on the end. It had pictures of his son all over it and his name and he held it up above his head the entire time...Just try to hold your arms out straight at your sides even for a few minutes...now imagine doing that for an hour. I just have to say, What an amazing man!
This week the Chilean Mine Workers were rescued from their cave (in case you were orbiting the planet the last week and haven't watched the news). I watched as much of the rescues as I could, it was so awesome and each one brought tears to my eyes. Why are you mentioning this you are wondering? The reason I am mentioning this is because this story was so amazing to me. These men were trapped for 2 months 1/2 mile underground living on nothing but a teaspoon of tuna, a pinched off piece of bread and water every two days. They had no idea whether they were going to be saved, whether anyone up above was even looking for them and the whole time they kept praying to God to save them. The whole time...in the darkest time of their lives they prayed and prayed and never gave up hope...and He answered their prayers. It really was a living miracle. When interviewed the miners said that there weren't 33 men down there, there were 34 and when the interviewer asked who the 34th person was they responded..."God is here. God is with us." How amazing is that? And when they were rescued it wasn't the hugs from wives or children that made me tear up...it was when their mothers would run up to them and grabbed them and kissed them. I would just start bawling. Why? Because they got what I never did...they got a miracle...their son's came back from the dead. These mothers were told that their sons were dead, that they couldn't find them, that there was no hope. Imagine that. You have been told that your son in dead. You have started making arrangements for memorial services, grieving his death, praying to God to bring him back....and then you get a call weeks later that says, he's alive and that he is going to be saved. These mothers got the call that I wanted....this week 33 mothers got their sons back...33 mothers' hearts weren't broken....33 mothers received a miracle.
This weekend we are going to spend some time with good friends of ours who live in Ft. Worth. They are getting married and we were unable to go to their bachelor/bachelorette festivities because of the pregnancy and its complications so we are going to try and make up for it with a fun weekend...and because we haven't seen this couple in a while and we always have such a good time with them :-).
We leave a week from tomorrow to go to Mexico...Alleluia! And to date I have lost 26lbs. and 26inches all over my body. So hopefully I won't get harpooned by any of the fishermen while I am laying on the beach!LOL.
Please pray for my grandma and aunt as they battle their cancers. My grandma has started her chemotherapy and it seems to be working. Unfortunately they say that she will have to go through this for the rest of her life. I just pray that she won't be in any pain and that she can handle it well enough to go into remission so she can at least have 6-8 months without treatments. I'm not ready to lose her yet God. Please don't take her yet.
Love, Me.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Aidan's Eulogy from His Mommy
This is what I read at Aidan's funeral on August 2, 2010. He was there with me that day giving me strength. I love you so much my son. I miss you every day.
Love, Me.
"Aidan’s Memorial from His Mommy
First I want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate the life of my son Aidan. Although his time on this earth was short, he was loved and cherished every day that we had him.
Aidan lived for 8 months and 1 day, and during that time he brought so much joy to me and Andrew and our families. He made me laugh so much during the time he was with us. He was such a little wiggle worm. I remember the first time I felt him move. I was around 17 weeks and sitting at my desk at work. I remember feeling a little flutter on my right side. It sort of caught me off guard. It was definitely something I had never felt before but I of course immediately dismissed it as gas…which thanks to the spicy food my little Aidan was craving was something I was experiencing quite a bit. But then later when I got in my car to go home that day I felt it again…It felt like butterflies, this wasn’t gas it was him moving around inside me; I immediately stopped everything I was doing, put my hand on my belly and said…I love you too buddy.
From that point on I was hooked, I had fallen in love. A love that I can’t possibly describe. As the weeks went on his flutters turned to full on kicks. I remember lying on my back and watching him dance in my belly. And the more he kicked the more I discovered his little personality. He loved ice cream and pretty much anything with sugar or chocolate. He loved lemonade and cold water. He loved Indian food and Mexican…the spicier the better. He loved peanut butter and M&M’s on wheat thins. He didn’t like it when I rested anything on my tummy because it invaded his space. He loved to hear the sound of my voice and seemed to kick and move the most when I was in a meeting or a conference call negotiating with a supplier as if to say, “Get ‘Em Mommy!”. He loved all kinds of music but his favorites were jazz and rock and roll. He loved the sound of his Daddy’s voice. Every night Andrew would read Aidan a bed time story, usually Curious George which is daddy’s favorite, and when he was done we would all pray together while Andrew put his hand on my belly. Aidan would then give a big kick or wiggle as if to say…Goodnight Daddy, I love you!
After we were informed of Aidan’s diagnosis we were determined to make the most out of every moment we had with him. Those days are so special to me. We talked to him about everything. We told him how mommy and daddy met, about his grandparents, his aunts and uncles and his brother Willie. We told him what swimming felt like, what snow was like, how to make chocolate chip cookies and how important it was to separate the lights from the darks when doing laundry. We talked about every little aspect of life, a life we knew he would never get to live. Andrew and I would rub my belly and sing to him often. We would dance together and sway to the music. We took a family trip together down toHouston to go to a Cardinals game and toto see the beach. He loved the baseball game, when the crowd cheered so did Aidan, kicking and wiggling away. He was his father’s son. Galveston
My Aidan was not only sweet and playful he also had a sense of humor and a stubborn streak! The name Aidan means little fiery one and my boy definitely lived up to his name! If ever anyone, Andrew or my Parents would try and feel him kick or make him kick on command he wouldn’t…not until they moved their hands away, then boom he would give a big one. He made me laugh so much. He was headstrong like his mommy even in the womb. No one was going to tell him what to do, not even when he was going to be born. You know contractions start because the baby decides when it is going to come by sending out a chemical into the mother’s womb and I think he must have heard Andrew and me and the doctors discussing when and how to give birth to Aidan, because as a shock to us all he came early and with a vengeance! Aidan was going to come into this world on his terms and no one else’s. He had such spunk and fight, I am so proud to be his mother.
Aidan chose July 27th, a Tuesday to come into this world. He was born at 3:40 p.m. weighing 5lbs and 1oz and measuring 17 inches long. He fought as long as his little body would let him, but eventually passed away during the last hours of labor. He was so beautiful. He was exactly Andrew and me. He had Andrew’s eyes and eyebrows, his long body and long legs, his big flat feet and beautiful skin. Just like me he had a full head of dark hair, an overbite and a callus on his left thumb, just like his mommy he sucked his thumb in the womb. He also had my toes, with the second toe on his right foot longer than his big toe. And he had his Poppy’s nose. He was the most perfect thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I will never forget the way I felt when Andrew placed him in my arms. It was amazing. I wasn’t just holding my son, I was holding a piece of heaven.
We held our Aidan for 7 wonderful hours. We kissed him and sang to him. We prayed with him and Andrew baptized him. We bathed and diapered him and put baby lotion all over his soft skin. We dressed him and swaddled him. I can still feel the weight of him in my arms. He was made for my arms, he fit so perfectly. I kissed his sweet skin and rubbed his little head; he had the softest most beautiful hair and the most adorable full lips. The moment he was placed in my arms I fell in love. I never knew that I could love anyone or anything as much as I love him. It’s like oxygen. It’s a pure, unconditional, all consuming self-sacrificing kind of love. It’s the love of a mother.
I know that my Aidan is with Jesus. I know he is safe and loved and I know I will see him again. I know that he is happy and perfect and he is looking down on us, watching his mommy and daddy. He will never really be gone, we will always have him in our hearts and in our minds forever. He will always be my son, my first born child, my Aidan. On Tuesday at around 7 pm while we were holding Aidan there were rainbows reported everywhere. A picture of a rainbow was sent to me, a double rainbow was reported above my parents’ house and our nurse reported that she saw a rainbow when she went home that day. She said it was the most beautiful rainbow she had ever seen that you could see every color and it was complete from end to end.
Rainbows are a symbol that God is with us, that he will not forsake us, it's a reminder of God's promise of His mercy and of the covenant that he has with us all. I think Aidan sent that rainbow to us letting us know that he was with our Savior in his kingdom! My sweet precious angel.
As the saying goes “There are no footprints too small as to not leave an imprint on this world”. So it is true with my son Aidan. He touched more lives than I can count. Throughout our journey Andrew and I have received emails, texts and letters from people all over the world telling us that they were praying for us, praying for Aidan. People we have never even met. They were calling out to our Savior in Aidan’s name. My son who never took a breath on this earth did something better and more meaningful than most of us do in our entire lives…he brought people closer to God, he changed the world.
I want to thank all of you for supporting us on our earthly journey with Aidan. I want to thank our family and friends for your love and prayers. But most of all I want to thank you, my precious husband Andrew. Without you I couldn’t make it. You are what gets me through each day. You are my soul mate. You are my rock. I love you.
And finally to my son, Aidan. Thank you for teaching me what real love is. For teaching me how to hope against all odds. For bringing me so close to God that I felt him in my arms, I felt him in you. You are my heart sweet boy. You are all that is good and pure in the world. You are the reason I was made. Being your mother has been the privilege of my life and as long as this life separates us my heart will ache for you. Mommy loves you precious son. “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, forever and always, my baby you’ll be.”
Love, Me.
Monday, September 27, 2010
2 Months
It has been 2 months since we said goodbye to our precious son Aidan. I can't believe how time flys. With each milestone that passes (1 week, 1 month, 2 months etc.) there is a mix of feeling like he left us yesterday and like he left us years ago. I can still remember every detail of his birth and every detail of what he looked like and smelled like and felt like, but as the days go on and on it is less painful and therefore feels like he passed away years ago. I am thankful however that I can look back on his birth and the time we had with Aidan with joy and happiness. It really was amazing.
The weather has turned chilly here in Texas. It is truly lovely. I love this time of year and so looked forward to having a chubby baby in my arms to enjoy it. Aidan was supposed to be born on September 20th, a week ago today. When we found out he was going to be born in September my first thought was how great it would be to celebrate his birthdays in the amazing weather that September brings. It's not too hot and not too cold and generally ranges from 68 - 75 degrees and sunny. I imagined outdoor parties, cook outs, little boys and girls running through the house with melted popcicles praying that they would only stain the carpets and not my furniture, and Aidan and his daddy watching football together on the weekends. Then I thought about what we would dress him up as for Halloween. He would be 1 month then (I thought) and probably a big chunk so maybe a pumpkin or a puppy or something else adorable. Then I thought about what Christmas would be like with a 3 month old. I had planned to have Christmas at our house inviting the whole family over and cooking a big Christmas dinner with ham and turkey and a ton of sides and desserts. Andrew and I love to cook and love family and blending the two sounded like heaven.
As each day that passes turns into another month without my son I think about all the things that we should be doing together, all the things that I am missing out on, and it hurts. It is just more loss. I've lost my son. I've lost countless birthdays. I've lost Halloweens. I've lost Thanksgivings. I've lost Christmas'. I've lost baseball games. I've lost football games. I've lost countless kisses and hugs. I've lost "I wuv you mommy" and "You are prenny mommy". I've lost seeing Aidan and Andrew asleep together on the couch. I've lost a lifetime of memories and that hurts more than anything.
We are going to go out to visit Aidan today because we didn't get to go this weekend. (We went and visited my grandma in Tulsa before she starts her chemo this week. We had a wonderful visit and I am so glad that we went.) We had bought some new silk flowers to put out at his grave last weekend but did not have wire-cutters for them so we will bring them with us today along with a book from his library to read. A few weeks ago we were reading one of Aidan's books to him and Andrew started to cry and reminded me that not only were we reading the story to Aidan, but to all of the other babies resting near him. And I like that. I like reading to all the babies there because I know how much their parents are hurting and I would like to think that those parents would do the same for Aidan. I can't wait for his headstone to arrive. We ordered it the day after his funeral (Aug. 3rd) and it seems to be taking forever, not that there is any rush but it will make me feel better when it is there. When it does arrive I will take pictures and post them here for your viewing pleasure. :-) Just incase you feel like crying or slitting your wrists...LOL, Just Kidding.
Ah, Ok I know this entry has been sooo super sad and depressing so I'm sorry if you are in a puddle of snot and tears. To end on a high note I have officially lost 20 lbs. Yes I said it 20 lbs....and I'm still going. I would like to lose (ideally) another 20, but I'll be happy with another 15. I just can't wait to fit into my old clothes and for Cancun...T minus 26 days and counting!!....I am going to drink a margarita the size of my head....Ole!
Love, Me.
The weather has turned chilly here in Texas. It is truly lovely. I love this time of year and so looked forward to having a chubby baby in my arms to enjoy it. Aidan was supposed to be born on September 20th, a week ago today. When we found out he was going to be born in September my first thought was how great it would be to celebrate his birthdays in the amazing weather that September brings. It's not too hot and not too cold and generally ranges from 68 - 75 degrees and sunny. I imagined outdoor parties, cook outs, little boys and girls running through the house with melted popcicles praying that they would only stain the carpets and not my furniture, and Aidan and his daddy watching football together on the weekends. Then I thought about what we would dress him up as for Halloween. He would be 1 month then (I thought) and probably a big chunk so maybe a pumpkin or a puppy or something else adorable. Then I thought about what Christmas would be like with a 3 month old. I had planned to have Christmas at our house inviting the whole family over and cooking a big Christmas dinner with ham and turkey and a ton of sides and desserts. Andrew and I love to cook and love family and blending the two sounded like heaven.
As each day that passes turns into another month without my son I think about all the things that we should be doing together, all the things that I am missing out on, and it hurts. It is just more loss. I've lost my son. I've lost countless birthdays. I've lost Halloweens. I've lost Thanksgivings. I've lost Christmas'. I've lost baseball games. I've lost football games. I've lost countless kisses and hugs. I've lost "I wuv you mommy" and "You are prenny mommy". I've lost seeing Aidan and Andrew asleep together on the couch. I've lost a lifetime of memories and that hurts more than anything.
We are going to go out to visit Aidan today because we didn't get to go this weekend. (We went and visited my grandma in Tulsa before she starts her chemo this week. We had a wonderful visit and I am so glad that we went.) We had bought some new silk flowers to put out at his grave last weekend but did not have wire-cutters for them so we will bring them with us today along with a book from his library to read. A few weeks ago we were reading one of Aidan's books to him and Andrew started to cry and reminded me that not only were we reading the story to Aidan, but to all of the other babies resting near him. And I like that. I like reading to all the babies there because I know how much their parents are hurting and I would like to think that those parents would do the same for Aidan. I can't wait for his headstone to arrive. We ordered it the day after his funeral (Aug. 3rd) and it seems to be taking forever, not that there is any rush but it will make me feel better when it is there. When it does arrive I will take pictures and post them here for your viewing pleasure. :-) Just incase you feel like crying or slitting your wrists...LOL, Just Kidding.
Ah, Ok I know this entry has been sooo super sad and depressing so I'm sorry if you are in a puddle of snot and tears. To end on a high note I have officially lost 20 lbs. Yes I said it 20 lbs....and I'm still going. I would like to lose (ideally) another 20, but I'll be happy with another 15. I just can't wait to fit into my old clothes and for Cancun...T minus 26 days and counting!!....I am going to drink a margarita the size of my head....Ole!
Love, Me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Back At Work...News at 11
I started back to work last Tuesday (day after labor day), and so far so good. I only cry on my way to work and on my way home, usually whilst listening to Christian music that reminds me of Aidan. While I was carrying him I would listen to it in the car all the time and he would kick and hiccup away to the beat. Thankfully I have only cried once at work which was last week. I am generally pretty strong when people come up to me and tell me how sorry that they are and that it's good to have me back etc. But there is one man that I work with that told me how proud he was and how he respected Andrew and me for our decision to continue carrying Aidan. Then he proceeded to tell me about how he had a child, a little girl, that was stillborn at 6 months and how hard it was. He has since had other children who are grown with children of their own and even though it has been at least 30 years as he spoke about her he started to cry, and it touched me in such a way that I couldn't help but cry too. I was just so touched how he opened up to me. He really is a Godly man and I am so glad that Jesus sent him to me on that day to touch my heart. So other than that little burst of tears things at work have been pretty much business as usual and it has been nice to have some sort of 'normal' or 'routine' back in my life.
If I'm not as mentally organized (as if I ever was) or not as witty it's probably because I am running on very few calories so my brain isn't functioning as usual...the synapses aren't...(long pause)....connecting like usual. LOL. But on an up note I have lost 12.5 lbs. in 20 days on the crazy diet. So so far so good. I generally feel pretty good, a bit tired sometimes but it's nothing I can't handle. When people say, "Oh, you are starving yourself. Oh, how can you do it." I think to myself...I've been through hell, eating so little is nothing to me. I can do things now that even shock myself. I'm really much stronger than I thought I was. You know, when you hear about bad things that happen to other people you always say "Oh, I would just die! I could never go through something like that!" but then it happens, to you, and you don't die. You get through it the best you can and keep going. Then you hear about something else happening and you say again, "Oh, I could never get through that! If that happened to me I would just die!" and then it happens, to you, and you don't. You get through it and keep going.
For me it is my faith that gets me through, and knowing that at the end of my life on earth there is a place I am going where 'the bad things' don't exist, where there is unmeasurable joy and happiness, and where I will see my Aidan again. And maybe that sounds corny to other people, but honestly I could not be where I am today, physically, mentally or otherwise without my God. I would be full of hate and sorrow and bitterness. I would be a heavily medicated mess. And I think some people expect me to be that way....but thankfully I'm not. Friends are afraid to talk to me about Aidan and when they do they speak in generalities...but my journey with Aidan was not horrible....I really want to make that clear....My journey with Aidan WAS NOT HORRIBLE. It was the opposite. It was beautiful and wonderful and amazing. It was hard and heartbreaking at times, but it was the best experience of my life. I wouldn't give up one day that I had him and I wouldn't give back one second that I held him. I can't imagine my life without him. He truly was and still IS such a blessing in my life.
I am reading "The Shack" and am almost done with it. It is such a good read. I highly recommend it for anyone. It has a Christian theme so I want to throw that out there, but it's not Christian in a pushy preachy way. It has a great way of showing you the way God loves even in times of tragedy and it sort of gives you the warm fuzzies as you read it. At least it did for me. In all honesty though I started reading it at a good time in my grief. I think had I started to read it right after I had Aidan I might had thrown it on the ground and spouted profanities. LOL. But now I can read it because (I know this is going to come out weird)...I can read it because I have forgiven God for not saving Aidan. Yes, yes, I know how that sounds, like I am above God (which I'm not) but that is the best way I can describe where I am at now. I don't have bitterness or anger and I don't blame....I have forgiven Him because He has forgiven me.
Anyway so that is a quick update of my life and where I'm at currently. Andrew and I are sooo looking forward to Cancun next month and for now we are just putting one foot in front of the other. :-)
***Prayer Request: Please pray for my Grandmother (Barbara) who has Multiple Myeloma (bone cancer), my Aunt (Marri) who has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, my father (Scott) who has diabetes and my sister-in-law (Kayla) who is going in for a surgical procedure this Friday. They are all fighting their battles as best that they can. My Grandma and Marri are to start their therapies the end of this week and my father has started a diabetic diet. Please pray for their strength and perseverance through these battles they have before them. Thank You.****
Love, Me.
If I'm not as mentally organized (as if I ever was) or not as witty it's probably because I am running on very few calories so my brain isn't functioning as usual...the synapses aren't...(long pause)....connecting like usual. LOL. But on an up note I have lost 12.5 lbs. in 20 days on the crazy diet. So so far so good. I generally feel pretty good, a bit tired sometimes but it's nothing I can't handle. When people say, "Oh, you are starving yourself. Oh, how can you do it." I think to myself...I've been through hell, eating so little is nothing to me. I can do things now that even shock myself. I'm really much stronger than I thought I was. You know, when you hear about bad things that happen to other people you always say "Oh, I would just die! I could never go through something like that!" but then it happens, to you, and you don't die. You get through it the best you can and keep going. Then you hear about something else happening and you say again, "Oh, I could never get through that! If that happened to me I would just die!" and then it happens, to you, and you don't. You get through it and keep going.
For me it is my faith that gets me through, and knowing that at the end of my life on earth there is a place I am going where 'the bad things' don't exist, where there is unmeasurable joy and happiness, and where I will see my Aidan again. And maybe that sounds corny to other people, but honestly I could not be where I am today, physically, mentally or otherwise without my God. I would be full of hate and sorrow and bitterness. I would be a heavily medicated mess. And I think some people expect me to be that way....but thankfully I'm not. Friends are afraid to talk to me about Aidan and when they do they speak in generalities...but my journey with Aidan was not horrible....I really want to make that clear....My journey with Aidan WAS NOT HORRIBLE. It was the opposite. It was beautiful and wonderful and amazing. It was hard and heartbreaking at times, but it was the best experience of my life. I wouldn't give up one day that I had him and I wouldn't give back one second that I held him. I can't imagine my life without him. He truly was and still IS such a blessing in my life.
I am reading "The Shack" and am almost done with it. It is such a good read. I highly recommend it for anyone. It has a Christian theme so I want to throw that out there, but it's not Christian in a pushy preachy way. It has a great way of showing you the way God loves even in times of tragedy and it sort of gives you the warm fuzzies as you read it. At least it did for me. In all honesty though I started reading it at a good time in my grief. I think had I started to read it right after I had Aidan I might had thrown it on the ground and spouted profanities. LOL. But now I can read it because (I know this is going to come out weird)...I can read it because I have forgiven God for not saving Aidan. Yes, yes, I know how that sounds, like I am above God (which I'm not) but that is the best way I can describe where I am at now. I don't have bitterness or anger and I don't blame....I have forgiven Him because He has forgiven me.
Anyway so that is a quick update of my life and where I'm at currently. Andrew and I are sooo looking forward to Cancun next month and for now we are just putting one foot in front of the other. :-)
***Prayer Request: Please pray for my Grandmother (Barbara) who has Multiple Myeloma (bone cancer), my Aunt (Marri) who has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, my father (Scott) who has diabetes and my sister-in-law (Kayla) who is going in for a surgical procedure this Friday. They are all fighting their battles as best that they can. My Grandma and Marri are to start their therapies the end of this week and my father has started a diabetic diet. Please pray for their strength and perseverance through these battles they have before them. Thank You.****
Love, Me.
Monday, September 6, 2010
A Letter from A Grieving Mother...
I have seen this posted several times on blogs and boards and I wanted to re-post it here. It really hits home...
"When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.
This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.
-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.
-Don't say, "It was for the best" - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." Oh, great just what I wanted an angel. You're right I didn't want my baby I wanted an angel. I didn't want him to be my angel. I wanted him to bury me in my old age.
-Don't say, "He/She is in a better place." What better place is there than in my arms? How is it better that my child is in heaven than with his mommy and daddy? How is that better? Since you want what is best for your children too, would you rather have your child in heaven?...Didn't think so.
-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. And especially don't say this and associate it with something like your dog...it isn't the same.
-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before my baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.
-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."
-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.
-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.
-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
-Do understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.
Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "loss" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me."
Love, Me.
"When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.
This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.
-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.
-Don't say, "It was for the best" - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." Oh, great just what I wanted an angel. You're right I didn't want my baby I wanted an angel. I didn't want him to be my angel. I wanted him to bury me in my old age.
-Don't say, "He/She is in a better place." What better place is there than in my arms? How is it better that my child is in heaven than with his mommy and daddy? How is that better? Since you want what is best for your children too, would you rather have your child in heaven?...Didn't think so.
-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. And especially don't say this and associate it with something like your dog...it isn't the same.
-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before my baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.
-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."
-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.
-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.
-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
-Do understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.
Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "loss" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me."
Love, Me.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Today Sucked.
I think the title of this blog entry pretty much says it all. TODAY SUCKED!!
I have been on this crazy diet to lose weight. It goes by many names Dr. Ted, HCG etc. The cost that I paid for this miracle diet is probably the cost of most people's monthly mortgages, but I am just desperate to get this weight off. You are supposed to lose an average of .5-1lb a day...I know crazy, but true. Anyway, I had been doing great on the diet, no cheating at all, drinking lots of water and had been seeing pretty good results (ok I know it's only been like 7 days but still) anyway I woke up yesterday and had gained 1/2 lb. CRAP! So yesterday I decided to watch my salt intake and drink even more water in case it was water weight...I was peeing like every 10 minutes. Surely that was it...then this morning I get on the scales.. up another 1/2 lb. DOUBLE CRAP!! So I call the place/dr. where I signed up for this program and they said that it could be that I'm going to start my period, or water weight, or too much salt, or maybe I need a laxative. They told me to go out and buy this laxative tea. I've been drinking this stuff all day and still haven't felt anything! In fact, I feel more bloated now than ever, argh.
Also, I've had a really emotional day. I cried for a good 2 hours this afternoon. This grief stuff is interesting. One moment I'll be fine then something will hit me or I'll see a picture of Aidan and then I am a teary snotty mess. I even had to go to bed for a bit to get some good cries out. I just kept thinking about his chubby cheeks, his sweet lips and his adorable neck right where his smooth back and his wavy hair met. I can close my eyes and still feel him; I can feel the weight of him in my arms. I can think and remember what he smelled like and what his skin felt like against my cheek. I miss him so much.
More sucking...I go back to work on Tuesday. Not that that sucks actually because I like my job and the people (most of the people) I work with. Since I wanted to get a head start...and frankly I was bored...I decided to log into my office email. Oh, the absurdity of corporate America! Seriously, I was reading these email chains that I get added on to, back and forth arguing about the dumbest things...I just want to reply to all and say "If you people think that this is a major problem, then you don't know what problems are!" When the cleat of life has stabbed you in the face, it really makes your realize what is important. It's going to be all I can do not to tell people to 'F-off' when I am approached with such insignificant things when I start back to work...God give me strength.
Even more sucking...I found out that my Aunt has a tumor in her breast and will have it biopsied on the 13th. Her mother died of breast cancer so this is very concerning. We are all hoping and praying that it is benign.
In case you haven't been keeping up...within less than 6 weeks (this is weeks not months mind you), my son was born and died, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, my dad had been diagnosed with diabetes and my aunt found a tumor in her breast.
I KNOW!!!
So really the title of this post should not only be "Today Sucked" but "Today Sucked...and so did this Year!!"
I can't wait for this year to be over already....although the way this year has gone so far and how there has been bad news around every corner, as the days go on I'm almost afraid to get out of bed...What's next? I get hit by a car and all that is left is a talking head?...I bet even then my face will look fat! LOL.
Argh....wake me up when it's 2011.
Love, Me.
I have been on this crazy diet to lose weight. It goes by many names Dr. Ted, HCG etc. The cost that I paid for this miracle diet is probably the cost of most people's monthly mortgages, but I am just desperate to get this weight off. You are supposed to lose an average of .5-1lb a day...I know crazy, but true. Anyway, I had been doing great on the diet, no cheating at all, drinking lots of water and had been seeing pretty good results (ok I know it's only been like 7 days but still) anyway I woke up yesterday and had gained 1/2 lb. CRAP! So yesterday I decided to watch my salt intake and drink even more water in case it was water weight...I was peeing like every 10 minutes. Surely that was it...then this morning I get on the scales.. up another 1/2 lb. DOUBLE CRAP!! So I call the place/dr. where I signed up for this program and they said that it could be that I'm going to start my period, or water weight, or too much salt, or maybe I need a laxative. They told me to go out and buy this laxative tea. I've been drinking this stuff all day and still haven't felt anything! In fact, I feel more bloated now than ever, argh.
Also, I've had a really emotional day. I cried for a good 2 hours this afternoon. This grief stuff is interesting. One moment I'll be fine then something will hit me or I'll see a picture of Aidan and then I am a teary snotty mess. I even had to go to bed for a bit to get some good cries out. I just kept thinking about his chubby cheeks, his sweet lips and his adorable neck right where his smooth back and his wavy hair met. I can close my eyes and still feel him; I can feel the weight of him in my arms. I can think and remember what he smelled like and what his skin felt like against my cheek. I miss him so much.
More sucking...I go back to work on Tuesday. Not that that sucks actually because I like my job and the people (most of the people) I work with. Since I wanted to get a head start...and frankly I was bored...I decided to log into my office email. Oh, the absurdity of corporate America! Seriously, I was reading these email chains that I get added on to, back and forth arguing about the dumbest things...I just want to reply to all and say "If you people think that this is a major problem, then you don't know what problems are!" When the cleat of life has stabbed you in the face, it really makes your realize what is important. It's going to be all I can do not to tell people to 'F-off' when I am approached with such insignificant things when I start back to work...God give me strength.
Even more sucking...I found out that my Aunt has a tumor in her breast and will have it biopsied on the 13th. Her mother died of breast cancer so this is very concerning. We are all hoping and praying that it is benign.
In case you haven't been keeping up...within less than 6 weeks (this is weeks not months mind you), my son was born and died, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, my dad had been diagnosed with diabetes and my aunt found a tumor in her breast.
I KNOW!!!
So really the title of this post should not only be "Today Sucked" but "Today Sucked...and so did this Year!!"
I can't wait for this year to be over already....although the way this year has gone so far and how there has been bad news around every corner, as the days go on I'm almost afraid to get out of bed...What's next? I get hit by a car and all that is left is a talking head?...I bet even then my face will look fat! LOL.
Argh....wake me up when it's 2011.
Love, Me.
Monday, August 30, 2010
What Next Lord?....Locusts?
Have you ever noticed how bad things happen in threes? It is a common theme in literature and in life....and so it is too with my life.
Last week my maternal grandmother went to the hospital because her chest was hurting her. Specifically her sternum and ribs. After many X-rays and bone scans it turned out that she had minor fractures in her sternum and had broken two ribs. My grandmother is in her seventies, has osteoporosis and fibromyalgia but otherwise is in great health. In fact my grandfather has the majority of the health problems (too many to name) so when I was told that grandma was in the hospital I was totally shocked.
Since bones don't normally break without serious provocation the doctors did several tests to check to see what could have caused her bones to be so weak. Essentially it could have been one of two things, one severe osteoporosis and the other bone cancer....I bet you can guess which one she was diagnosed with...yeah it turned out to be bone cancer. Andrew and I went to visit her this weekend (my grandparents live in Tulsa) and heard it from her doctor's mouth. She has Multiple Myeloma. It is treatable, but being that she is so advanced in years, I don't know if she will be able to survive the treatment options.
My grandma and I are very very close. She has been there for every major and minor event in my life. She was there when I was born, when I cheered at football games, when I graduated from High School, Law School, she was at my Wedding and she was there when Aidan was born. I spent every summer with her up until I was 13 or 14. She paid for me to study in Europe, I would never have met my husband if it weren't for her. I am just devastated that this is happening to her. She is such a wonderful woman and a devout Christian. Always strong always faithful.
You might be thinking, "Well, she is in her seventies and has lived a long life." This is true, but she has been in great health and the women in our family live at least in to their eighties. I thought she had at least 10+ more years!
"So, Amanda, you said bad things happen in threes....What is the third bad thing that happened?"....Hmm funny you should ask....Today I found out that my father has diabetes. Yep, type II diabetes. I can't say it was a total shock as my father is a fairly large man and does not eat very healthy, but his cholesterol is always good and his blood pressure is good and he doesn't have diabetes in his family. What really is troubling about this news is that I don't think my dad will change his eating habits even knowing the risk involved. I think he is addicted to food and I am so afraid that he won't have the self control or desire to want to change and then the disease will take over his body and he will miss out on years with the family and (hopefully one day) his grandchildren.
At this point I am just shocked...first Aidan, then my grandma and now my dad! I don't want to get all woe is me on you, but WTF!!! After Aidan died I was told by many people that it would get better; that eventually I will find happiness again....Well, I wish that it would get better already because we are going in the wrong direction people!!
I want you to know, I'm not blaming God for any of this, I'm just angry that this is happening to my family. I am going to continue to pray for help, strength and for my family's health and healing. I am going to pray and hope that it actually will get better....and soon!
Love, Me
Last week my maternal grandmother went to the hospital because her chest was hurting her. Specifically her sternum and ribs. After many X-rays and bone scans it turned out that she had minor fractures in her sternum and had broken two ribs. My grandmother is in her seventies, has osteoporosis and fibromyalgia but otherwise is in great health. In fact my grandfather has the majority of the health problems (too many to name) so when I was told that grandma was in the hospital I was totally shocked.
Since bones don't normally break without serious provocation the doctors did several tests to check to see what could have caused her bones to be so weak. Essentially it could have been one of two things, one severe osteoporosis and the other bone cancer....I bet you can guess which one she was diagnosed with...yeah it turned out to be bone cancer. Andrew and I went to visit her this weekend (my grandparents live in Tulsa) and heard it from her doctor's mouth. She has Multiple Myeloma. It is treatable, but being that she is so advanced in years, I don't know if she will be able to survive the treatment options.
My grandma and I are very very close. She has been there for every major and minor event in my life. She was there when I was born, when I cheered at football games, when I graduated from High School, Law School, she was at my Wedding and she was there when Aidan was born. I spent every summer with her up until I was 13 or 14. She paid for me to study in Europe, I would never have met my husband if it weren't for her. I am just devastated that this is happening to her. She is such a wonderful woman and a devout Christian. Always strong always faithful.
You might be thinking, "Well, she is in her seventies and has lived a long life." This is true, but she has been in great health and the women in our family live at least in to their eighties. I thought she had at least 10+ more years!
"So, Amanda, you said bad things happen in threes....What is the third bad thing that happened?"....Hmm funny you should ask....Today I found out that my father has diabetes. Yep, type II diabetes. I can't say it was a total shock as my father is a fairly large man and does not eat very healthy, but his cholesterol is always good and his blood pressure is good and he doesn't have diabetes in his family. What really is troubling about this news is that I don't think my dad will change his eating habits even knowing the risk involved. I think he is addicted to food and I am so afraid that he won't have the self control or desire to want to change and then the disease will take over his body and he will miss out on years with the family and (hopefully one day) his grandchildren.
At this point I am just shocked...first Aidan, then my grandma and now my dad! I don't want to get all woe is me on you, but WTF!!! After Aidan died I was told by many people that it would get better; that eventually I will find happiness again....Well, I wish that it would get better already because we are going in the wrong direction people!!
I want you to know, I'm not blaming God for any of this, I'm just angry that this is happening to my family. I am going to continue to pray for help, strength and for my family's health and healing. I am going to pray and hope that it actually will get better....and soon!
Love, Me
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
4 Weeks Ago Today....
Four weeks ago I held you.
Four weeks ago I touched your soft skin.
Four weeks ago I kissed your chubby cheeks.
Four weeks ago I smelled your sweet smell.
Four weeks ago I felt the weight of you in my arms.
Four weeks ago I held your tiny hands and kissed your chubby feet.
Four weeks ago I studied every inch of you.
Four weeks ago I held heaven in my arms.
Four weeks ago we said goodbye.
My Precious Son,
I love you more than you could possibly know. Everyday I am without you is a day that my heart is in pieces. Daddy and I look at your pictures from the day you were born and still cannot believe that God sent something so beautiful and precious to us. We are so proud and lucky to be your Mommy and Daddy. You were so tiny and perfect; your tiny fingernails, your soft wispy hair, your perfect bow lips, your chubby cheeks and chin all made with such care and beauty. I hope you know how you changed my life. You softened my heart. You opened my eyes. You showed me what this life is all about my angel. You brought me a love I could have never understood before. You made me a Mom.
I ache for you my son. My arms ache to hold you. My heart aches to love you. My soul aches to be with you. I miss you so much.
I hope you are happy sweet boy. I hope you are playing and laughing with the other children in our Father's Kingdom. I hope our Blessed Mother is rocking you to sleep each night. I pray that you can feel my love in heaven. And I promise you baby, we'll be together again.
Loving you always,
Mommy
Four weeks ago I touched your soft skin.
Four weeks ago I kissed your chubby cheeks.
Four weeks ago I smelled your sweet smell.
Four weeks ago I felt the weight of you in my arms.
Four weeks ago I held your tiny hands and kissed your chubby feet.
Four weeks ago I studied every inch of you.
Four weeks ago I held heaven in my arms.
Four weeks ago we said goodbye.
My Precious Son,
I love you more than you could possibly know. Everyday I am without you is a day that my heart is in pieces. Daddy and I look at your pictures from the day you were born and still cannot believe that God sent something so beautiful and precious to us. We are so proud and lucky to be your Mommy and Daddy. You were so tiny and perfect; your tiny fingernails, your soft wispy hair, your perfect bow lips, your chubby cheeks and chin all made with such care and beauty. I hope you know how you changed my life. You softened my heart. You opened my eyes. You showed me what this life is all about my angel. You brought me a love I could have never understood before. You made me a Mom.
I ache for you my son. My arms ache to hold you. My heart aches to love you. My soul aches to be with you. I miss you so much.
I hope you are happy sweet boy. I hope you are playing and laughing with the other children in our Father's Kingdom. I hope our Blessed Mother is rocking you to sleep each night. I pray that you can feel my love in heaven. And I promise you baby, we'll be together again.
Loving you always,
Mommy
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My Fat Ass, God and Choosing the Future
If I trail off and sound like I am a rambling crazy person it's because I just got back from walk/jogging outside. This doesn't sound like much of a feat, but when you have an extra 30 lbs. on your body and you live in Texas where it has been over 100 degrees for the last 10 days and you went jogging around noon...Yeah I'm surprised I didn't pass out too!
I am determined to fit into my old clothes! Andrew is very supportive and tells me not to be too hard on myself because I only gave birth 3 weeks ago, but what I'm afraid of is when that turns into 3 months then 6 months...then eventually (hopefully) we get pregnant again and I gain more weight. Please Jesus, don't let me be childless and FAT! But at least my weight is something that I can sort of control. I am learning more and more that I have very little control over what happens in my life. And this is an issue for me because I am somewhat of a control freak...Ok Ok, a major control freak.
I knew very early on that I wanted to be an attorney so I went to school and got good grades and graduated from law school and became an attorney. I also knew that I wanted to be married and have children before I turned 30. Thankfully I met my wonderful husband in law school and we easily became pregnant. Everything was going to 'plan'. Yep, life was pretty close to perfect...Until June 4th when we were informed that our precious son would not be coming home...I remember thinking "This can't be happening...This doesn't happen to us, it happens to other people...This isn't right....What about my plan?" It was then that I was slapped in the face with reality...with the truth...the truth is, no matter how much you try to have control of your life, your future, no matter how much you try and 'plan' the truth is we are not the ones in control. The only one who has any measure of control in this life, our lives, is God.
But that is not to say that everything that happens in this world is because God makes it happen or everything that happens in this world is God's will. I hate it when people say "It's God's Will" about my son dying. To this day as I smile and nod in response to that comment I think to myself..."What a load of Bullshit!". If that were true my baby wouldn't have died, millions of people wouldn't be dying of AIDS, there wouldn't be mass genocide and I wouldn't have to wait so long in line at Starbucks for my Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte. :) . If everything that happens in this world is God's will (death, rape, murder, pain) I don't think I would want to praise such a God. I discussed this with my priest not too long after Aidan was diagnosed and I loved what he said..."If I thought that things like this [Aidan's impending death] were God's will I wouldn't be doing this, I'd be out selling cars."
I've been reading several grieving books and books on just putting your life back together after a tragedy. And pretty much everyone says a myriad of different things...God is in control, but he doesn't control everything. He has a plan for each of our lives, but sometimes our lives get off track from that plan because of the choices we make. God doesn't cause death or pain or use such things to punish, but He will bring you back to praise Him no matter what the cost especially if you have made other things in your life your focus rather than Him. God doesn't send good things your way if you praise Him and do 'good', but if you don't lead your life with a focus on Him you will be punished...So what does it all mean?
Yeah, I don't know either. I do know this, I can't imagine God taking my son away from me just to bring me closer to Him. And I don't believe that God has 'punished' me by taking my son from me because my focus was wanting children and a family. But other than that I just don't know. I do not pretend to have any idea how God works, and I don't think any one of us truly knows. Sure, we have the bible to give us some inkling of limited human understanding of God, and about a gazillion books, essays, treatises, articles and encyclicals on man's interpretation of God, but none of us really know. And I think it's kind of presumptuous for us as humans to even try to assume that we can understand God and his workings. It's like that movie 'Defending Your Life' we are 'little brains' we just aren't meant to understand such things.
Wow, how did I get from complaining about my fat ass to understanding God? It's a good thing no one reads this crap. LOL.
Another reason I am desperate to lose these extra LB's is because Andrew and I booked a trip to Cancun for the last week in October. I remember when I was still pregnant with Aidan I had read on some other blogs about mom's who had lost their children and had planned a vacation a few months after. I remember thinking how can they do that? But now I totally 'get it'. You just need a break. A break from the tears, from the grief. A break from neighbor's pity looks because you used to have a huge baby belly and now its gone and there is no baby in your arms. A break from people asking you "are you ok?" like you are a moment away from choking down a bottle of pills. You just need to get away and be with your husband and just have some sniff of what 'normal' used to be like...And it gives you something to look forward to.
I am trying to think to the future and to be more future focused. I want to look forward to things like Cancun or dinner with friends or more children instead of focusing constantly on the fact that my son is gone. I can't change that Aidan is in heaven (no matter how much I wish that I could), but what I can do is change how I let his absence affect my life. I want to celebrate Aidan and his life in everything I do. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to look down and see that his parents love each other. I want him to look down and see his brothers and sisters. I want him to look down and laugh and smile and be happy and proud of his family....and that will not happen if all I do is cry and lay in bed all day (which is what I want to do about 60% of the time). I am choosing to get out of bed. I am choosing to smile and not feel guilty. I am choosing to laugh at a funny joke. I am choosing to praise God even though I don't know his plan for my life or my future. And yes, sometimes those choices are hard; it would be easier not to do any of it. But I want to honor my son and my God.
And now I will sign off because I'm exhausted and need to do some scrapbooking :)
Love, Me.
I am determined to fit into my old clothes! Andrew is very supportive and tells me not to be too hard on myself because I only gave birth 3 weeks ago, but what I'm afraid of is when that turns into 3 months then 6 months...then eventually (hopefully) we get pregnant again and I gain more weight. Please Jesus, don't let me be childless and FAT! But at least my weight is something that I can sort of control. I am learning more and more that I have very little control over what happens in my life. And this is an issue for me because I am somewhat of a control freak...Ok Ok, a major control freak.
I knew very early on that I wanted to be an attorney so I went to school and got good grades and graduated from law school and became an attorney. I also knew that I wanted to be married and have children before I turned 30. Thankfully I met my wonderful husband in law school and we easily became pregnant. Everything was going to 'plan'. Yep, life was pretty close to perfect...Until June 4th when we were informed that our precious son would not be coming home...I remember thinking "This can't be happening...This doesn't happen to us, it happens to other people...This isn't right....What about my plan?" It was then that I was slapped in the face with reality...with the truth...the truth is, no matter how much you try to have control of your life, your future, no matter how much you try and 'plan' the truth is we are not the ones in control. The only one who has any measure of control in this life, our lives, is God.
But that is not to say that everything that happens in this world is because God makes it happen or everything that happens in this world is God's will. I hate it when people say "It's God's Will" about my son dying. To this day as I smile and nod in response to that comment I think to myself..."What a load of Bullshit!". If that were true my baby wouldn't have died, millions of people wouldn't be dying of AIDS, there wouldn't be mass genocide and I wouldn't have to wait so long in line at Starbucks for my Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte. :) . If everything that happens in this world is God's will (death, rape, murder, pain) I don't think I would want to praise such a God. I discussed this with my priest not too long after Aidan was diagnosed and I loved what he said..."If I thought that things like this [Aidan's impending death] were God's will I wouldn't be doing this, I'd be out selling cars."
I've been reading several grieving books and books on just putting your life back together after a tragedy. And pretty much everyone says a myriad of different things...God is in control, but he doesn't control everything. He has a plan for each of our lives, but sometimes our lives get off track from that plan because of the choices we make. God doesn't cause death or pain or use such things to punish, but He will bring you back to praise Him no matter what the cost especially if you have made other things in your life your focus rather than Him. God doesn't send good things your way if you praise Him and do 'good', but if you don't lead your life with a focus on Him you will be punished...So what does it all mean?
Yeah, I don't know either. I do know this, I can't imagine God taking my son away from me just to bring me closer to Him. And I don't believe that God has 'punished' me by taking my son from me because my focus was wanting children and a family. But other than that I just don't know. I do not pretend to have any idea how God works, and I don't think any one of us truly knows. Sure, we have the bible to give us some inkling of limited human understanding of God, and about a gazillion books, essays, treatises, articles and encyclicals on man's interpretation of God, but none of us really know. And I think it's kind of presumptuous for us as humans to even try to assume that we can understand God and his workings. It's like that movie 'Defending Your Life' we are 'little brains' we just aren't meant to understand such things.
Wow, how did I get from complaining about my fat ass to understanding God? It's a good thing no one reads this crap. LOL.
Another reason I am desperate to lose these extra LB's is because Andrew and I booked a trip to Cancun for the last week in October. I remember when I was still pregnant with Aidan I had read on some other blogs about mom's who had lost their children and had planned a vacation a few months after. I remember thinking how can they do that? But now I totally 'get it'. You just need a break. A break from the tears, from the grief. A break from neighbor's pity looks because you used to have a huge baby belly and now its gone and there is no baby in your arms. A break from people asking you "are you ok?" like you are a moment away from choking down a bottle of pills. You just need to get away and be with your husband and just have some sniff of what 'normal' used to be like...And it gives you something to look forward to.
I am trying to think to the future and to be more future focused. I want to look forward to things like Cancun or dinner with friends or more children instead of focusing constantly on the fact that my son is gone. I can't change that Aidan is in heaven (no matter how much I wish that I could), but what I can do is change how I let his absence affect my life. I want to celebrate Aidan and his life in everything I do. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to look down and see that his parents love each other. I want him to look down and see his brothers and sisters. I want him to look down and laugh and smile and be happy and proud of his family....and that will not happen if all I do is cry and lay in bed all day (which is what I want to do about 60% of the time). I am choosing to get out of bed. I am choosing to smile and not feel guilty. I am choosing to laugh at a funny joke. I am choosing to praise God even though I don't know his plan for my life or my future. And yes, sometimes those choices are hard; it would be easier not to do any of it. But I want to honor my son and my God.
And now I will sign off because I'm exhausted and need to do some scrapbooking :)
Love, Me.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Accounting of the Day...
Today was a pretty busy day for me and Andrew. We got up and decided to go to the 9:00 a.m. mass at our church. This is not that early you say, well no it's not, but we live fairly far away from our church so we have to get up at 7:00. On a weekend...Ugh! We got up showered etc. and to our amazement traffic was practically non-existent which is rare for Dallas, we actually got to church almost 30 min. early!
After church we went out to visit Aidan. We have made this a tradition each Sunday...Church, then visit Aidan's grave, then lunch, then either nap or errands. Each time that we visit Aidan we bring a children's book from his library and read it to him. When Aidan died I asked friends and family to send us children's books instead of flowers and to inscribe them to Aidan. I got the idea from a blog of another mother who lost her son. We have received several books and we love all of them, especially ones where they have written a little message or prayer or scripture to Aidan. I am eventually going to go out and buy bookcases and a comfy chair and ottoman for the corner of our game room so that I can build an actual library for Aidan's books. I'm thinking of calling it Aidan's Alley or Aidan's Reading Corner or something cute. I want to make it really comfy so that Andrew and I can go up there and read and think of him and then when (hopefully one day) his brothers and sisters come along they can read there too and know about their brother Aidan who is watching over them in heaven. :-)
I love visiting Aidan. I know that only his body is buried, that his soul is in heaven with Jesus, but for some reason I find peace and comfort after I've visited...even if it only lasts for a short while. Andrew and I read the book we bring and we talk to him and tell him about what we've been doing, about his furry brother Willie and about how much we miss him and love him. Today was hard for me. I cry every time we visit, but some days are harder than others...as it is with grief. Today's visit was one of those days. I just miss him so much...and sometimes something will hit me that will make the hurt worse. Today it was the other markers out near him....I know that I am not the first and will not be the last to lose their baby, but when I think of other parents going through this it breaks my heart. Out near Aidan there are headstones for babies dating back to the 1950's. All these babies that should be 5, 14, 25, 34 even 53 years old and for all these babies there remain broken hearts of parents that long to be with them, that have missed out on so many memories, that have always known that at each family dinner, every thanksgiving, every Christmas, every Easter, every mother's day...there is always someone missing at the table. And when I thought about this today I realized....that is going to be me and Andrew. No matter how many more kids we have...Aidan will always be missing, our future (hopefully) children will have a big brother that they will never know...every year that goes by we will think...I wonder what Aidan would look like now...he would be walking now...he would be starting school this year...he would be driving this year...he should be here this Christmas, this thanksgiving...he should be with us. So all this was rushing through my mind and I just couldn't help but cry my eyes out. I haven't cried that hard for a few days, but you can only put off the hurt for so long and then it catches up with you and you just have to let it out. I know the hurt will never stop....but I am looking forward to the day that it won't hurt this much.
After we went to visit Aidan we ate breakfast, came home to change clothes, went to pick up some pictures that we had developed, went to Michael's and then to Barnes and Noble. Since I have some time off work I am doing a few projects to keep me busy. One thing I am doing is to create a wall of pictures in my house, actually in a few areas of my house. Another thing I am doing is 2 scrapbooks, one for Aidan and one for our honeymoon. So the trips to get the pictures and to Michael's were very productive. We went to Barnes and Noble initially so that I could meet a woman off of Craigslist and buy some work-out DVDs...yes I know this is random, but I need something to jump start losing this baby weight. I loved being pregnant and everything about giving birth and holding my Aidan. I wouldn't change anything. But now since I don't have a baby in my arms, and I have an extra 30lbs on my body I either look like (A) A Fat Person, or (B) A Woman who is only 18 weeks pregnant....I can't decide which is worse at this point. So, I need to get this weight off...and I know with my luck by the time I finally get it all off Andrew and I will probably be ready to start trying for another baby...isn't that always how it is? Anyway, the gal with the exercise videos never showed up! Grrrr! And since we were meeting at a Barnes and Noble I figured I would use that time to buy some more grieving books....I think these will be books 6 and 7...yes I so far have read 5 other books on grief after losing a baby. I have always been sort of neurotic and majorly type A. Maybe I subconsciously think that if I read enough books on grief and loss this will somehow get easier or that one of these books will hold the key to moving on? Possibly, but I know the reality is that only the passage of time will alleviate the hurt to a manageable level.
So that was my day. I feel like I was very productive actually and I'm kind of proud....it's the little victories.
Love, Me.
After church we went out to visit Aidan. We have made this a tradition each Sunday...Church, then visit Aidan's grave, then lunch, then either nap or errands. Each time that we visit Aidan we bring a children's book from his library and read it to him. When Aidan died I asked friends and family to send us children's books instead of flowers and to inscribe them to Aidan. I got the idea from a blog of another mother who lost her son. We have received several books and we love all of them, especially ones where they have written a little message or prayer or scripture to Aidan. I am eventually going to go out and buy bookcases and a comfy chair and ottoman for the corner of our game room so that I can build an actual library for Aidan's books. I'm thinking of calling it Aidan's Alley or Aidan's Reading Corner or something cute. I want to make it really comfy so that Andrew and I can go up there and read and think of him and then when (hopefully one day) his brothers and sisters come along they can read there too and know about their brother Aidan who is watching over them in heaven. :-)
I love visiting Aidan. I know that only his body is buried, that his soul is in heaven with Jesus, but for some reason I find peace and comfort after I've visited...even if it only lasts for a short while. Andrew and I read the book we bring and we talk to him and tell him about what we've been doing, about his furry brother Willie and about how much we miss him and love him. Today was hard for me. I cry every time we visit, but some days are harder than others...as it is with grief. Today's visit was one of those days. I just miss him so much...and sometimes something will hit me that will make the hurt worse. Today it was the other markers out near him....I know that I am not the first and will not be the last to lose their baby, but when I think of other parents going through this it breaks my heart. Out near Aidan there are headstones for babies dating back to the 1950's. All these babies that should be 5, 14, 25, 34 even 53 years old and for all these babies there remain broken hearts of parents that long to be with them, that have missed out on so many memories, that have always known that at each family dinner, every thanksgiving, every Christmas, every Easter, every mother's day...there is always someone missing at the table. And when I thought about this today I realized....that is going to be me and Andrew. No matter how many more kids we have...Aidan will always be missing, our future (hopefully) children will have a big brother that they will never know...every year that goes by we will think...I wonder what Aidan would look like now...he would be walking now...he would be starting school this year...he would be driving this year...he should be here this Christmas, this thanksgiving...he should be with us. So all this was rushing through my mind and I just couldn't help but cry my eyes out. I haven't cried that hard for a few days, but you can only put off the hurt for so long and then it catches up with you and you just have to let it out. I know the hurt will never stop....but I am looking forward to the day that it won't hurt this much.
After we went to visit Aidan we ate breakfast, came home to change clothes, went to pick up some pictures that we had developed, went to Michael's and then to Barnes and Noble. Since I have some time off work I am doing a few projects to keep me busy. One thing I am doing is to create a wall of pictures in my house, actually in a few areas of my house. Another thing I am doing is 2 scrapbooks, one for Aidan and one for our honeymoon. So the trips to get the pictures and to Michael's were very productive. We went to Barnes and Noble initially so that I could meet a woman off of Craigslist and buy some work-out DVDs...yes I know this is random, but I need something to jump start losing this baby weight. I loved being pregnant and everything about giving birth and holding my Aidan. I wouldn't change anything. But now since I don't have a baby in my arms, and I have an extra 30lbs on my body I either look like (A) A Fat Person, or (B) A Woman who is only 18 weeks pregnant....I can't decide which is worse at this point. So, I need to get this weight off...and I know with my luck by the time I finally get it all off Andrew and I will probably be ready to start trying for another baby...isn't that always how it is? Anyway, the gal with the exercise videos never showed up! Grrrr! And since we were meeting at a Barnes and Noble I figured I would use that time to buy some more grieving books....I think these will be books 6 and 7...yes I so far have read 5 other books on grief after losing a baby. I have always been sort of neurotic and majorly type A. Maybe I subconsciously think that if I read enough books on grief and loss this will somehow get easier or that one of these books will hold the key to moving on? Possibly, but I know the reality is that only the passage of time will alleviate the hurt to a manageable level.
So that was my day. I feel like I was very productive actually and I'm kind of proud....it's the little victories.
Love, Me.
Friday, August 13, 2010
The Beginning....
If you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn't notice that I'm different than you. In fact you would probably pass me without saying a word...You wouldn't know the scars that I have, you wouldn't know my heart is missing, you wouldn't know that only 11 days ago I buried my son.
I am starting this blog now, in the midst of my grief to hopefully assist me in my journey to...the other side? my 'new normal'? happiness?....or whereever I'll end up. So now that I'm in the middle I have to go back to the beginning and explain how I got here...so bear with me.
This journey started, I would have to say, when I met my husband, Andrew. We met the summer of 2004 in Edinburgh Scotland and then fell in love in Dublin Ireland. (I know, a little random). We were both studying international law. I was a student in my first year and he was my T.A. about to graduate. :) From then on we were inseparable. We did everything together, traveled to other countries together, ate and drank and talked about everything. We were immediate best friends; it was like I had known him for years. As it turned out he was from St. Louis and had gone to the same law school, but we had never actually met until then. When the summer ended, I think both of us thought our summer romance was going to end as well, but when he came and visited me right before school started we decided that we were going to try and make this work....Fast forward through 2 years of long distance, a few bar exams, desperately trying to find jobs, unemployment, then underemployment, me converting to Catholicism and finally arriving 5 years later at our wedding. We were married in Dallas, Texas on May 23, 2009. We were so blissfully happy...It's hard to believe that was only 15 months ago.
In December of 2009 Andrew and I started to talk about starting our family. We had discussed it a little in the past, but as we were driving home from his parent's house in St. Louis after Christmas of last year we decided that we were ready and we would just not use protection and "see what happened"....What happens is that you get pregnant! :) We got pregnant on our first "try". We found out January of this year that we were expecting; our baby was due September 20th. I think we were both in shock at first. We didn't think it would be so immediate, so after the shock wore off, probably around the time I stopped being horribly nauseous all the time, we were unbelievably excited. We were going to be parents. We didn't care whether we would have a boy or a girl. This was our first and all we wanted was a healthy baby. Immediately I started thinking about all the things that we would do. Andrew and I would talk about different names we liked, and went though the "next years"...."This next year at Christmas we'll have a 3 month old!....Next year on your birthday we'll have a 9 month old!". At 12 weeks we went to a perinatologist for an NT test which measures the fat on the back of the baby's neck and can determine (or give a good indication) as to whether there are any birth defects....and they can give a good indication as to the sex of the baby. I wish I could say that the reason we wanted the NT test was to prepare ourselves for any birth defects, but really it was so that I could get a jump start on planning the nursery...pink or blue! The NT test came back 95% normal and more importantly we found out we would be having a boy!...our Aidan Jackson. I came out of that appointment floating on a cloud...I was going to have a son!
We were so excited, so happy. I had never been so happy in my life. We knew that the sex prediction at our test was not 100% accurate, we would find that out at our 24 week ultrasound at our OB, but I knew it was a boy...I remember telling Andrew that I knew it was a boy even at 9 weeks. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I was horribly anxious about the ultrasound coming up...I was so excited, but was really concerned about having to take back all the boy stuff I had bought for the nursery in case our perinatologist (and me) were wrong and I was having a girl. I was also kind of irritated that I had to wait 24 weeks. Most women go in between 18-20, but my OB had a different policy so I just went with it and tried to be patient....which is definitely not one of my virtues. :) ...Really, taking back baby clothes was the only thing I was concerned about...I was so blissfully happy it never even crossed my mind that something could go wrong. I always thought that once you made it out of the first trimester (12 weeks) everything would be fine...birth defects are so rare, we are young, things like that don't happen to us....Right?
The day finally came for our 24 week ultrasound, June 3rd. We were so excited. It was scheduled in the afternoon so I left work early and came home so that Andrew and I could go to the appointment together. I couldn't wait to see my boy, his hands and feet and profile....I even grabbed a scoop of ice cream and put it in a cup to eat on the way over because I wanted him to be active and kicking up a storm on the screen. I didn't have to wait long and we were brought in to the ultrasound room. Andrew sat right next to me and held my hand as the nurse put the ultrasound goo on my belly. This moment was the last moment of innocence. What was to happen next would change my life forever...Below is a letter that Andrew wrote to our friends and family to let them know what was going on...what happened...
"To our loved ones:
As you all know by this time, the last 72 hours hours have been the most devastating hours of Mandy and my lives. Right now everything is a struggle for us, so please know that the reason that I have been unable to talk to each of you personally is not because we don't want to talk to you, it just too painful and hard.
On Thursday, Mandy and I went in for our 24 week ultrasound with our OB/GYN. The ultrasound showed what appeared to be low amniotic fluid although the scans indicated that there might be perfectly normal pockets. As a result, our OB referred us to get a more detailed scan at our peri-natologist.
On Friday, Mandy and I went in to our Perinatologist's office. The first things that we heard were wonderful, everything looked healthy as far as measurements of the brain, skeletal, heart, etc. When the Doctor checked for amniotic fluid, however, there was absolutely none. Furthermore, there were a number of cysts over both of Aidan's kidneys which simply put never formed properly and, thus, could not produce the amniotic fluid necessary for the life sustaining growth all babies need while in the womb. The diagnosis was bilateral multicystic dysplastic kidneys due to bilateral uteral vesical obstruction. The prognosis we were given was every parents worse nightmare, there is virtually no chance that Aidan will survive when he is born. The initial diagnosis is only made more problematic because of all the complications associated with lack of amniotic fluid--we could lose our angel while he is still inside Mandy if his umbilical cord becomes compressed or we could lose him at birth because babies need amniotic fluid in order for their lungs to form.
Later on Friday, Mandy and I went to Presbyterian Plano Hospital for additional monitoring and to discuss any possibilities that might help--whether saline infusion would help (it won't because ultimately Aidan's kidneys can't process it to make amniotic fluid, so he would just drink it and absorb it. Plus the risk to Mandy would be enormous as she would have to be injected everyday and the benefit would be non-existent). So we went home and cried ourselves to sleep.
Saturday, our friends Georgina and her husband Dr. John, down in Houston put us in contact with neo-natal specialists at Texas Children's Hospital. Nurses and doctors alike were calling us from their homes on a weekend, taking information and discussing whether our hopes that neo-natal surgery could repair the problem. Unfortunately, because of the nature of Aidan's problems there is nothing that these incredibly kind people could do for us. I will never forget the compassion that the nurses and doctors showed to Mandy and me, two people that they have never even met.
The neo-natal nephrologist (kidney doctor) talked with us for a long time, and he is still going to take a second look at everything when we send it to him tomorrow, but what he told us was different than what our OB and perinatologist told us. In his experience only about 10% of these babies die while in the womb. In most instances mothers carry these children to full term.
So that is where we are now, Mandy and I are just heartbroken. We know that at some time in the future our sweet Aidan will be born and that he will live for a very short time, whether it is seconds, minutes, hours or more, we just don't know, but Aidan will not survive to bring back to the loving home that we have been building for him. When Aidan comes, we will hold him in our arms until God calls him home. We hope to have him baptized at the hospital if he survives birth and will be talking to Fr. John, the priest who married Mandy and I. Thankfully, the Church allows lay baptism in these types of situations and if Fr. John cannot make it in time, I will baptize him myself in God's name. Mandy and I are planning to have a memorial service or funeral service (I don't know how that works yet). We will bury our son close by so that to the end of our lives we can celebrate the life of our son Aidan who has brought so much joy to our lives these past few months. We ask that you all come to be with us when the time comes, we are only planning on having immediate family or those who have become like family to us like--trust your judgment or run it by me if you aren't sure.
Please pray for us, we are begging for God's grace to ease our unending pain. Until then we are taking everything one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
With all of our love,
Andy and Mandy"
It breaks my heart to read even now...After that day Andrew and I decided that no matter what we would continue to carry Aidan for as long as my body and his body would let me, that we would not be the ones to take his life (as this was provided as an option), that this was all up to God. We decided that we were going to celebrate his life while we had him. He was still alive kicking around inside me. He could hear us and feel us. We were not going to give up on him.
We talked to him, read to him, prayed with him. We laughed and I ate just about whatever I wanted. We found out what he liked and didn't like. We talked to him about what the world was like, what his grandparents were like, how mommy and daddy met, stories about our families from when we were growing up. We took him to a Cardinals baseball game (both Andrew and Aidan are huge fans). We took him to the beach. We had to squeeze a lifetime of memories into however long God gave us...And all this time we prayed for a miracle, we prayed that God would save him.
During our time with Aidan I researched everything I could about his diagnosis, trying to find a cure, a procedure, anything. Everything I came across said 'fatal' or 'incompatible with life'. As time went on Andrew and I decided that we had to create a birth plan. We were told by everyone that Aidan would most likely be born alive but we had to decided when, how, what we wanted to be performed on Aidan, how aggressive would medical intervention be, etc. I cannot tell you how difficult it is to chose a date to give birth to your child, knowing that date is not only his birthday, but also the day that he will die. We decided to have our birth plan reviewed by someone. We sent it to a woman named Karen Moise, who was a nurse and coincidentally the wife to the neo-natal expert that had reviewed our case immediately after we received Aidan's diagnosis. Having been in Houston already for the Cardinals game, we met with her in person to discuss our birth plan. She suggested coming down to have one of the doctors in the fetal medicine group give a second opinion and do an ultrasound. We came back for the appointment two weeks later, July 23rd, and after lots of scans of Aidan, me and even Andrew's kidneys the diagnosis was the same. There was nothing we could do to save Aidan...and worse we discovered that Aidan's heart was fibrillating...my son was dying. The doctors told us to call our OB on the way home to make an appointment for that Monday because they didn't think that Aidan would make it through the weekend. I was heartbroken. I wanted so much to see my son alive, but I didn't want him to suffer either. I trusted God that he would take him when it was time. On July 26th we went in to see my OB. I had felt movement that weekend and even that morning, I knew he was still with us, and he was. My little fighter was still hanging on, but his poor heart was still fibrillating. My OB was so surprised that he had made it through the weekend....I couldn't help but be proud.
On July 27th I woke up to contractions at 2 a.m. At first I didn't know what they were, but as they increased and became more painful I knew....I was in labor. At this point Aidan was 32 weeks and 1 day. We rushed to the hospital...my Aidan was on his way. I still hoped to see him alive, to hear a cry, even now I still prayed and thought maybe God would save him, but God called him home a couple of hours before I started pushing. I was told that Aidan had passed while I was pushing. My OB looked at me and kindly said..."Amanda, He's already passed." I immediately looked at Andrew and saw the tears in his eyes as he said..."He's gone baby."....and even still my heart hoped. When I finally pushed him out I still hoped to hear baby cries, I still strained to hear my son call out to me..but it was nothing but silence. My sweet precious angel was gone. He was with our Savior.
Aidan was born at 3:40 p.m. weighing 5lbs. 1oz and measuring 17inches. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. July 27th was the best and worst day of my life. Even now I look back on that day and think about his little hands and feet, his chubby chin and arms and my heart jumps. I love him so much....
"Dear Family and Friends,
My son Aidan Jackson was born sleeping yesterday Tuesday July 27th at 3:40 pm at 32 weeks and 1 day. He was 5 lbs 1 oz and 17 inches long. He was perfect and beautiful. The doctors said that he might have deformities because of the lack of fluid, they were wrong. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.
I went into labor late Monday night/Tuesday morning and had contractions from 2 am - 7 am then we decided to go to the hospital. Aidan was coming early. Aidan means "little fiery one" and my little firecracker was going to come into this world on his own terms. My brave little angel. I had a vaginal delivery even though he was breached. He passed away during the last hours of labor before I started pushing, his little heart had already been fibrillating for days before and it just couldn't handle the pressure of labor. Although he did hang on for the first few hours because I could feel him kick and move inside me. He was such a little fighter!
He was exactly my Andrew and me. He had Andrew's eyes and eyebrows, his olive skin, his big feet, face shape and long body. He had a full head of dark hair like I did when I was born, he had a little overbite and a callus on this thumb (a thumb sucker in the womb like his mommy), he had is mommy's toes (his second toe was longer than his big toe, but only on one foot), and tiny hands like his mommy and he had his grandpa's nose (my father's nose). He was the most perfect thing I have ever seen in my entire life!
NILMDTS photographers came and took pictures shortly after he was born, then all the family came in to be with him. My parents, grandparents, brother, uncle, my best friend Bobbi...all the most important people in my life were there with me to celebrate my beautiful son. It was the worst and best day of my life. I held him for 7 hours before we said goodbye because he had turned cold and his little hands and appendages started to show signs of death. I just couldn't bare the thought of seeing his little body deteriorate in front of me.
For those 7 hours we hugged him and kissed him and sang to him. We prayed with him and Andrew baptized him. We bathed and diapered him and put baby lotion all over his soft skin. We dressed him and swaddled him. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I loved feeling the weight of him in my arms. He was made for my arms, he fit so perfectly. I kept talking to him and kissing him and rubbing his little head; he had the softest most beautiful hair and the most adorable full lips. I can't tell you how beautiful he was! The moment he was placed in my arms I fell in love. I never knew that I could love anyone or anything as much as I love him. I can't even describe it in words. Its a pure, unconditional, all consuming self-sacrificing kind of love. Its the love of a mother.
Finally we had to say our final goodbyes, and of all the labor pains, and needles and blood and pushing and pulling and everything that I went through yesterday this was the hardest thing that I had to do. It was the hardest thing to have to hand my precious son over to the nurse and watch her take him out of the room, out of our lives forever. When she left I started screaming and crying. I had to use all my strength not to jump out of my bed and chase her down like a crazed woman. I wanted him back. I wanted him with me. I wanted a lifetime.
I know that my Aidan is with Jesus. I know he is safe and loved and I know I will see him again. I know that he is happy and perfect and he will be looking down on us, watching his mommy and daddy. He will never really be gone, we will always have him in our hearts and in our minds forever. We will still continue to talk to him and pray for him. He will always be my son, my first born child, my Aidan. Yesterday at around 7 pm while we were holding Aidan and after my parents left and the day nurse we had went home there were rainbows reported everywhere. I got texted a picture from Bobbi of a complete beautiful rainbow. A double rainbow was reported above my parents house and our nurse reported that she saw one yesterday when she went home. She said it was the most beautiful rainbow she had ever seen, that you could see every color and it was complete from end to end.
Rainbows are a symbol that God is with us, that he will not forsake us, it's God's promise of God's mercy and of the covenant that he has with us all. I think Aidan sent that rainbow to us! My sweet precious angel.
He left this world on his terms. By coming early my little fighter saved me from having a C-section. Ever since we found out about his diagnosis we prayed for a miracle...and yesterday we got one. We held our miracle for 7 beautiful hours. Aidan WAS the miracle we prayed for and He answered our prayers.
Thank you for praying for us these past few weeks, for your kind words/emails/texts. Andrew and I are so blessed to have such a great network of support. I thank God for all of you.
Love,
Mandy, Wife to Andrew, Mommy to Aidan."
We had a memorial service for Aidan on August 2nd. It was beautiful. It was the hottest day of the year...my little fiery one...Mommy loves you so much.
"Yesterday August 2nd I buried my son Aidan Jackson. We had a church service. We had a closed casket because we thought it would upset people to see a baby lying in a casket. The day before we went to the funeral home to say our last goodbyes. He looked beautiful in his christening gown my mom had ordered for him from Ireland. It fit him so well. It was made of white silk and was trimmed in blue around the bottom and around his bonnet. He was wearing our cross and he had little blue booties on his feet. He looked beautiful and the exact same as he did when the nurse took him from my arms.
We had his service in the same church where my husband and I were married not more than 14 months ago. The same church where we prayed to Mary to intercede on our behalf for a child. The same church where our family started. I didn't think that many people would come, I thought it would be just family. We didn't publish anything in the paper, I just posted about it on facebook and my mom told people when/where it was going to be. My husband and I arrived first before anyone else, even my parents. Our son's casket was already at the front of the church. We had brought a couple of pictures of him that we had blown up and they were next to him at the alter. I cried and kissed the top of the casket where I knew my baby's head lay. Throughout the service I just stared at the picture of him and at the casket. I whispered out loud to talk to him to remind him of the promises I made to him. Then it was time for my husband and I to speak. I know normally the parents do not do this, or that it is very difficult for them to do, but I knew that if I didn't speak I would regret it for the rest of my life. When I got up and walked up to the pulpit. I looked out and couldn't believe how many people were there. People I hadn't seen since High School, people I hadn't seen for years! There were over 100 people there, for my son who never drew a breath on this earth. He had touched so many lives. It made me that much more proud to be Aidan's mother.
I poured my heart out on the pulpit. I spoke about my pregnancy, about all the things we did with Aidan. About who he was, about his personality, about how he changed my life and my husband's life, about how he touched people and brought them closer to God, about how my son changed the world. I am so glad that I spoke. I know my Aidan heard me and he was proud.
After the service we all drove out to the cemetery and the priest followed. We had a singer accompanied by an acoustic guitar. Her voice was of an angel. She sang "I Will Carry You" (male version), "Be Still My Soul" and "What A Friend We Have In Jesus". The priest blessed his casket and his grave and we all prayed over him. I was given a crucifix that laid on top of his casket. We have a wall in our house of crosses that we collect on our travels together, we have one from Ireland, one from St. Lucia (honeymoon), one that I purchased for Andrew for our wedding, one from Mexico, one from California, one from Houston...Aidan's cross now hangs there too.
I watched them lower his casket into the ground. I watched them lock his vault. I wanted to watch them put in the first few shovels of dirt, but my husband couldn't bear to watch so we left then.
We left and went to my parents house where they had a reception with food and pictures of the day of Aidan's birth everywhere. My mother bought a cake with a Rainbow on it. Which was very symbolic of the day I had Aidan. The day I gave birth to Aidan I was sent pictures of Rainbows that were seen all over town. On that day it rained as the Angels cried and then the sun came out and a beautiful rainbow was shown throughout the sky..."And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: 13I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. 16When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." Gen. 9:11-17. I believe that Aidan asked God to send us those Rainbows to let us know that he is with our Jesus in His kingdom; that he is alive and well that he is safe in our Saviors arms."
My best friend put together a slide show to music for us; it had pictures of us throughout my pregnancy all the way to the day he was born. In the video she included words from the letter that I had written to my friends about the day he was born. It is so special to me. I can't wait to get an actual DVD version that I can have for my own. I have been watching this video over and over. I love it.
Here is the link to view it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypk0P962JBM
This Tuesday we received all of Aidan's test results back from his birth. We had his chromosomes tested and an autopsy on his kidneys performed. Everything came back as expected. My son was a completely normal baby boy with a blockage between the bladder and the urethra which caused a back up of urine in his kidneys which then caused kidney failure and then caused hypoplastic lungs. The blockage occurring was just a 'fluke', is not genetic and is not likely to happen again. My OB said it was like getting "struck by lightening". Actually I think the odds of getting struck by lightening are better than the odds of this happening to Aidan (1/10,000 chance)....(I feel like I have won some kind of backwards screwed up lottery...of all the numbers in the jar...how did mine get picked?) So there it is...My son was normal, healthy, perfect...then he was 'struck by lightening' and now he is gone.
Now it's August 13th...17 days since Aidan was born...11 days since he was buried. It seems like yesterday, but seems like an eternity ago too. For the first few days after Aidan was gone I was hysterical, then it was like..."Did that really happen? Was I really pregnant only a week ago? Did I really hold him?"...then it physically hurt everywhere...now I still hurt, but a little less. I cry everyday. I miss my son. I pray to God to help me through this. I struggle with my relationship with God daily. I want to be faithful, but it is difficult to be faithful to a God who felt it necessary to let your baby die. I know He has 'reasons' for everything that He does, or doesn't do, but there is no reason good enough. There is no reason good enough to take Aidan from me. God knows my heart and I have faith that He will walk me down this grief path and lead me in a new direction with my life...His direction....so here we go......
Love, Me.
I am starting this blog now, in the midst of my grief to hopefully assist me in my journey to...the other side? my 'new normal'? happiness?....or whereever I'll end up. So now that I'm in the middle I have to go back to the beginning and explain how I got here...so bear with me.
This journey started, I would have to say, when I met my husband, Andrew. We met the summer of 2004 in Edinburgh Scotland and then fell in love in Dublin Ireland. (I know, a little random). We were both studying international law. I was a student in my first year and he was my T.A. about to graduate. :) From then on we were inseparable. We did everything together, traveled to other countries together, ate and drank and talked about everything. We were immediate best friends; it was like I had known him for years. As it turned out he was from St. Louis and had gone to the same law school, but we had never actually met until then. When the summer ended, I think both of us thought our summer romance was going to end as well, but when he came and visited me right before school started we decided that we were going to try and make this work....Fast forward through 2 years of long distance, a few bar exams, desperately trying to find jobs, unemployment, then underemployment, me converting to Catholicism and finally arriving 5 years later at our wedding. We were married in Dallas, Texas on May 23, 2009. We were so blissfully happy...It's hard to believe that was only 15 months ago.
In December of 2009 Andrew and I started to talk about starting our family. We had discussed it a little in the past, but as we were driving home from his parent's house in St. Louis after Christmas of last year we decided that we were ready and we would just not use protection and "see what happened"....What happens is that you get pregnant! :) We got pregnant on our first "try". We found out January of this year that we were expecting; our baby was due September 20th. I think we were both in shock at first. We didn't think it would be so immediate, so after the shock wore off, probably around the time I stopped being horribly nauseous all the time, we were unbelievably excited. We were going to be parents. We didn't care whether we would have a boy or a girl. This was our first and all we wanted was a healthy baby. Immediately I started thinking about all the things that we would do. Andrew and I would talk about different names we liked, and went though the "next years"...."This next year at Christmas we'll have a 3 month old!....Next year on your birthday we'll have a 9 month old!". At 12 weeks we went to a perinatologist for an NT test which measures the fat on the back of the baby's neck and can determine (or give a good indication) as to whether there are any birth defects....and they can give a good indication as to the sex of the baby. I wish I could say that the reason we wanted the NT test was to prepare ourselves for any birth defects, but really it was so that I could get a jump start on planning the nursery...pink or blue! The NT test came back 95% normal and more importantly we found out we would be having a boy!...our Aidan Jackson. I came out of that appointment floating on a cloud...I was going to have a son!
We were so excited, so happy. I had never been so happy in my life. We knew that the sex prediction at our test was not 100% accurate, we would find that out at our 24 week ultrasound at our OB, but I knew it was a boy...I remember telling Andrew that I knew it was a boy even at 9 weeks. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I was horribly anxious about the ultrasound coming up...I was so excited, but was really concerned about having to take back all the boy stuff I had bought for the nursery in case our perinatologist (and me) were wrong and I was having a girl. I was also kind of irritated that I had to wait 24 weeks. Most women go in between 18-20, but my OB had a different policy so I just went with it and tried to be patient....which is definitely not one of my virtues. :) ...Really, taking back baby clothes was the only thing I was concerned about...I was so blissfully happy it never even crossed my mind that something could go wrong. I always thought that once you made it out of the first trimester (12 weeks) everything would be fine...birth defects are so rare, we are young, things like that don't happen to us....Right?
The day finally came for our 24 week ultrasound, June 3rd. We were so excited. It was scheduled in the afternoon so I left work early and came home so that Andrew and I could go to the appointment together. I couldn't wait to see my boy, his hands and feet and profile....I even grabbed a scoop of ice cream and put it in a cup to eat on the way over because I wanted him to be active and kicking up a storm on the screen. I didn't have to wait long and we were brought in to the ultrasound room. Andrew sat right next to me and held my hand as the nurse put the ultrasound goo on my belly. This moment was the last moment of innocence. What was to happen next would change my life forever...Below is a letter that Andrew wrote to our friends and family to let them know what was going on...what happened...
"To our loved ones:
As you all know by this time, the last 72 hours hours have been the most devastating hours of Mandy and my lives. Right now everything is a struggle for us, so please know that the reason that I have been unable to talk to each of you personally is not because we don't want to talk to you, it just too painful and hard.
On Thursday, Mandy and I went in for our 24 week ultrasound with our OB/GYN. The ultrasound showed what appeared to be low amniotic fluid although the scans indicated that there might be perfectly normal pockets. As a result, our OB referred us to get a more detailed scan at our peri-natologist.
On Friday, Mandy and I went in to our Perinatologist's office. The first things that we heard were wonderful, everything looked healthy as far as measurements of the brain, skeletal, heart, etc. When the Doctor checked for amniotic fluid, however, there was absolutely none. Furthermore, there were a number of cysts over both of Aidan's kidneys which simply put never formed properly and, thus, could not produce the amniotic fluid necessary for the life sustaining growth all babies need while in the womb. The diagnosis was bilateral multicystic dysplastic kidneys due to bilateral uteral vesical obstruction. The prognosis we were given was every parents worse nightmare, there is virtually no chance that Aidan will survive when he is born. The initial diagnosis is only made more problematic because of all the complications associated with lack of amniotic fluid--we could lose our angel while he is still inside Mandy if his umbilical cord becomes compressed or we could lose him at birth because babies need amniotic fluid in order for their lungs to form.
Later on Friday, Mandy and I went to Presbyterian Plano Hospital for additional monitoring and to discuss any possibilities that might help--whether saline infusion would help (it won't because ultimately Aidan's kidneys can't process it to make amniotic fluid, so he would just drink it and absorb it. Plus the risk to Mandy would be enormous as she would have to be injected everyday and the benefit would be non-existent). So we went home and cried ourselves to sleep.
Saturday, our friends Georgina and her husband Dr. John, down in Houston put us in contact with neo-natal specialists at Texas Children's Hospital. Nurses and doctors alike were calling us from their homes on a weekend, taking information and discussing whether our hopes that neo-natal surgery could repair the problem. Unfortunately, because of the nature of Aidan's problems there is nothing that these incredibly kind people could do for us. I will never forget the compassion that the nurses and doctors showed to Mandy and me, two people that they have never even met.
The neo-natal nephrologist (kidney doctor) talked with us for a long time, and he is still going to take a second look at everything when we send it to him tomorrow, but what he told us was different than what our OB and perinatologist told us. In his experience only about 10% of these babies die while in the womb. In most instances mothers carry these children to full term.
So that is where we are now, Mandy and I are just heartbroken. We know that at some time in the future our sweet Aidan will be born and that he will live for a very short time, whether it is seconds, minutes, hours or more, we just don't know, but Aidan will not survive to bring back to the loving home that we have been building for him. When Aidan comes, we will hold him in our arms until God calls him home. We hope to have him baptized at the hospital if he survives birth and will be talking to Fr. John, the priest who married Mandy and I. Thankfully, the Church allows lay baptism in these types of situations and if Fr. John cannot make it in time, I will baptize him myself in God's name. Mandy and I are planning to have a memorial service or funeral service (I don't know how that works yet). We will bury our son close by so that to the end of our lives we can celebrate the life of our son Aidan who has brought so much joy to our lives these past few months. We ask that you all come to be with us when the time comes, we are only planning on having immediate family or those who have become like family to us like--trust your judgment or run it by me if you aren't sure.
Please pray for us, we are begging for God's grace to ease our unending pain. Until then we are taking everything one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
With all of our love,
Andy and Mandy"
It breaks my heart to read even now...After that day Andrew and I decided that no matter what we would continue to carry Aidan for as long as my body and his body would let me, that we would not be the ones to take his life (as this was provided as an option), that this was all up to God. We decided that we were going to celebrate his life while we had him. He was still alive kicking around inside me. He could hear us and feel us. We were not going to give up on him.
We talked to him, read to him, prayed with him. We laughed and I ate just about whatever I wanted. We found out what he liked and didn't like. We talked to him about what the world was like, what his grandparents were like, how mommy and daddy met, stories about our families from when we were growing up. We took him to a Cardinals baseball game (both Andrew and Aidan are huge fans). We took him to the beach. We had to squeeze a lifetime of memories into however long God gave us...And all this time we prayed for a miracle, we prayed that God would save him.
During our time with Aidan I researched everything I could about his diagnosis, trying to find a cure, a procedure, anything. Everything I came across said 'fatal' or 'incompatible with life'. As time went on Andrew and I decided that we had to create a birth plan. We were told by everyone that Aidan would most likely be born alive but we had to decided when, how, what we wanted to be performed on Aidan, how aggressive would medical intervention be, etc. I cannot tell you how difficult it is to chose a date to give birth to your child, knowing that date is not only his birthday, but also the day that he will die. We decided to have our birth plan reviewed by someone. We sent it to a woman named Karen Moise, who was a nurse and coincidentally the wife to the neo-natal expert that had reviewed our case immediately after we received Aidan's diagnosis. Having been in Houston already for the Cardinals game, we met with her in person to discuss our birth plan. She suggested coming down to have one of the doctors in the fetal medicine group give a second opinion and do an ultrasound. We came back for the appointment two weeks later, July 23rd, and after lots of scans of Aidan, me and even Andrew's kidneys the diagnosis was the same. There was nothing we could do to save Aidan...and worse we discovered that Aidan's heart was fibrillating...my son was dying. The doctors told us to call our OB on the way home to make an appointment for that Monday because they didn't think that Aidan would make it through the weekend. I was heartbroken. I wanted so much to see my son alive, but I didn't want him to suffer either. I trusted God that he would take him when it was time. On July 26th we went in to see my OB. I had felt movement that weekend and even that morning, I knew he was still with us, and he was. My little fighter was still hanging on, but his poor heart was still fibrillating. My OB was so surprised that he had made it through the weekend....I couldn't help but be proud.
On July 27th I woke up to contractions at 2 a.m. At first I didn't know what they were, but as they increased and became more painful I knew....I was in labor. At this point Aidan was 32 weeks and 1 day. We rushed to the hospital...my Aidan was on his way. I still hoped to see him alive, to hear a cry, even now I still prayed and thought maybe God would save him, but God called him home a couple of hours before I started pushing. I was told that Aidan had passed while I was pushing. My OB looked at me and kindly said..."Amanda, He's already passed." I immediately looked at Andrew and saw the tears in his eyes as he said..."He's gone baby."....and even still my heart hoped. When I finally pushed him out I still hoped to hear baby cries, I still strained to hear my son call out to me..but it was nothing but silence. My sweet precious angel was gone. He was with our Savior.
Aidan was born at 3:40 p.m. weighing 5lbs. 1oz and measuring 17inches. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. July 27th was the best and worst day of my life. Even now I look back on that day and think about his little hands and feet, his chubby chin and arms and my heart jumps. I love him so much....
"Dear Family and Friends,
My son Aidan Jackson was born sleeping yesterday Tuesday July 27th at 3:40 pm at 32 weeks and 1 day. He was 5 lbs 1 oz and 17 inches long. He was perfect and beautiful. The doctors said that he might have deformities because of the lack of fluid, they were wrong. He was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.
I went into labor late Monday night/Tuesday morning and had contractions from 2 am - 7 am then we decided to go to the hospital. Aidan was coming early. Aidan means "little fiery one" and my little firecracker was going to come into this world on his own terms. My brave little angel. I had a vaginal delivery even though he was breached. He passed away during the last hours of labor before I started pushing, his little heart had already been fibrillating for days before and it just couldn't handle the pressure of labor. Although he did hang on for the first few hours because I could feel him kick and move inside me. He was such a little fighter!
He was exactly my Andrew and me. He had Andrew's eyes and eyebrows, his olive skin, his big feet, face shape and long body. He had a full head of dark hair like I did when I was born, he had a little overbite and a callus on this thumb (a thumb sucker in the womb like his mommy), he had is mommy's toes (his second toe was longer than his big toe, but only on one foot), and tiny hands like his mommy and he had his grandpa's nose (my father's nose). He was the most perfect thing I have ever seen in my entire life!
NILMDTS photographers came and took pictures shortly after he was born, then all the family came in to be with him. My parents, grandparents, brother, uncle, my best friend Bobbi...all the most important people in my life were there with me to celebrate my beautiful son. It was the worst and best day of my life. I held him for 7 hours before we said goodbye because he had turned cold and his little hands and appendages started to show signs of death. I just couldn't bare the thought of seeing his little body deteriorate in front of me.
For those 7 hours we hugged him and kissed him and sang to him. We prayed with him and Andrew baptized him. We bathed and diapered him and put baby lotion all over his soft skin. We dressed him and swaddled him. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I loved feeling the weight of him in my arms. He was made for my arms, he fit so perfectly. I kept talking to him and kissing him and rubbing his little head; he had the softest most beautiful hair and the most adorable full lips. I can't tell you how beautiful he was! The moment he was placed in my arms I fell in love. I never knew that I could love anyone or anything as much as I love him. I can't even describe it in words. Its a pure, unconditional, all consuming self-sacrificing kind of love. Its the love of a mother.
Finally we had to say our final goodbyes, and of all the labor pains, and needles and blood and pushing and pulling and everything that I went through yesterday this was the hardest thing that I had to do. It was the hardest thing to have to hand my precious son over to the nurse and watch her take him out of the room, out of our lives forever. When she left I started screaming and crying. I had to use all my strength not to jump out of my bed and chase her down like a crazed woman. I wanted him back. I wanted him with me. I wanted a lifetime.
I know that my Aidan is with Jesus. I know he is safe and loved and I know I will see him again. I know that he is happy and perfect and he will be looking down on us, watching his mommy and daddy. He will never really be gone, we will always have him in our hearts and in our minds forever. We will still continue to talk to him and pray for him. He will always be my son, my first born child, my Aidan. Yesterday at around 7 pm while we were holding Aidan and after my parents left and the day nurse we had went home there were rainbows reported everywhere. I got texted a picture from Bobbi of a complete beautiful rainbow. A double rainbow was reported above my parents house and our nurse reported that she saw one yesterday when she went home. She said it was the most beautiful rainbow she had ever seen, that you could see every color and it was complete from end to end.
Rainbows are a symbol that God is with us, that he will not forsake us, it's God's promise of God's mercy and of the covenant that he has with us all. I think Aidan sent that rainbow to us! My sweet precious angel.
He left this world on his terms. By coming early my little fighter saved me from having a C-section. Ever since we found out about his diagnosis we prayed for a miracle...and yesterday we got one. We held our miracle for 7 beautiful hours. Aidan WAS the miracle we prayed for and He answered our prayers.
Thank you for praying for us these past few weeks, for your kind words/emails/texts. Andrew and I are so blessed to have such a great network of support. I thank God for all of you.
Love,
Mandy, Wife to Andrew, Mommy to Aidan."
We had a memorial service for Aidan on August 2nd. It was beautiful. It was the hottest day of the year...my little fiery one...Mommy loves you so much.
"Yesterday August 2nd I buried my son Aidan Jackson. We had a church service. We had a closed casket because we thought it would upset people to see a baby lying in a casket. The day before we went to the funeral home to say our last goodbyes. He looked beautiful in his christening gown my mom had ordered for him from Ireland. It fit him so well. It was made of white silk and was trimmed in blue around the bottom and around his bonnet. He was wearing our cross and he had little blue booties on his feet. He looked beautiful and the exact same as he did when the nurse took him from my arms.
We had his service in the same church where my husband and I were married not more than 14 months ago. The same church where we prayed to Mary to intercede on our behalf for a child. The same church where our family started. I didn't think that many people would come, I thought it would be just family. We didn't publish anything in the paper, I just posted about it on facebook and my mom told people when/where it was going to be. My husband and I arrived first before anyone else, even my parents. Our son's casket was already at the front of the church. We had brought a couple of pictures of him that we had blown up and they were next to him at the alter. I cried and kissed the top of the casket where I knew my baby's head lay. Throughout the service I just stared at the picture of him and at the casket. I whispered out loud to talk to him to remind him of the promises I made to him. Then it was time for my husband and I to speak. I know normally the parents do not do this, or that it is very difficult for them to do, but I knew that if I didn't speak I would regret it for the rest of my life. When I got up and walked up to the pulpit. I looked out and couldn't believe how many people were there. People I hadn't seen since High School, people I hadn't seen for years! There were over 100 people there, for my son who never drew a breath on this earth. He had touched so many lives. It made me that much more proud to be Aidan's mother.
I poured my heart out on the pulpit. I spoke about my pregnancy, about all the things we did with Aidan. About who he was, about his personality, about how he changed my life and my husband's life, about how he touched people and brought them closer to God, about how my son changed the world. I am so glad that I spoke. I know my Aidan heard me and he was proud.
After the service we all drove out to the cemetery and the priest followed. We had a singer accompanied by an acoustic guitar. Her voice was of an angel. She sang "I Will Carry You" (male version), "Be Still My Soul" and "What A Friend We Have In Jesus". The priest blessed his casket and his grave and we all prayed over him. I was given a crucifix that laid on top of his casket. We have a wall in our house of crosses that we collect on our travels together, we have one from Ireland, one from St. Lucia (honeymoon), one that I purchased for Andrew for our wedding, one from Mexico, one from California, one from Houston...Aidan's cross now hangs there too.
I watched them lower his casket into the ground. I watched them lock his vault. I wanted to watch them put in the first few shovels of dirt, but my husband couldn't bear to watch so we left then.
We left and went to my parents house where they had a reception with food and pictures of the day of Aidan's birth everywhere. My mother bought a cake with a Rainbow on it. Which was very symbolic of the day I had Aidan. The day I gave birth to Aidan I was sent pictures of Rainbows that were seen all over town. On that day it rained as the Angels cried and then the sun came out and a beautiful rainbow was shown throughout the sky..."And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: 13I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. 16When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." Gen. 9:11-17. I believe that Aidan asked God to send us those Rainbows to let us know that he is with our Jesus in His kingdom; that he is alive and well that he is safe in our Saviors arms."
My best friend put together a slide show to music for us; it had pictures of us throughout my pregnancy all the way to the day he was born. In the video she included words from the letter that I had written to my friends about the day he was born. It is so special to me. I can't wait to get an actual DVD version that I can have for my own. I have been watching this video over and over. I love it.
Here is the link to view it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypk0P962JBM
This Tuesday we received all of Aidan's test results back from his birth. We had his chromosomes tested and an autopsy on his kidneys performed. Everything came back as expected. My son was a completely normal baby boy with a blockage between the bladder and the urethra which caused a back up of urine in his kidneys which then caused kidney failure and then caused hypoplastic lungs. The blockage occurring was just a 'fluke', is not genetic and is not likely to happen again. My OB said it was like getting "struck by lightening". Actually I think the odds of getting struck by lightening are better than the odds of this happening to Aidan (1/10,000 chance)....(I feel like I have won some kind of backwards screwed up lottery...of all the numbers in the jar...how did mine get picked?) So there it is...My son was normal, healthy, perfect...then he was 'struck by lightening' and now he is gone.
Now it's August 13th...17 days since Aidan was born...11 days since he was buried. It seems like yesterday, but seems like an eternity ago too. For the first few days after Aidan was gone I was hysterical, then it was like..."Did that really happen? Was I really pregnant only a week ago? Did I really hold him?"...then it physically hurt everywhere...now I still hurt, but a little less. I cry everyday. I miss my son. I pray to God to help me through this. I struggle with my relationship with God daily. I want to be faithful, but it is difficult to be faithful to a God who felt it necessary to let your baby die. I know He has 'reasons' for everything that He does, or doesn't do, but there is no reason good enough. There is no reason good enough to take Aidan from me. God knows my heart and I have faith that He will walk me down this grief path and lead me in a new direction with my life...His direction....so here we go......
Love, Me.
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